Saturday, September 13, 2014

NFL To Provide Training on Proper Discipline of Females


(MFN Sports) - Embattled NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is taking steps to prove the league is serious about its stance regarding physical violence against women. The first step was his recent announcement of a zero-tolerance policy, and the latest step is the implementation of a training program that will teach all league employees the proper methods and techniques for providing discipline to belligerent females.

Commissioner Goodell poses with well behaved female
 
Goodell confirmed that the training program will teach players, coaches and front office personnel how to respond to verbal confrontations with wives, girlfriends, and mothers, sisters, grandmothers, or anyone else who raised the player. There will also be a focus on handling prostitutes and football groupies.

“We’ll be teaching tried and true disciplinary methods, such as non-contact techniques like the ‘Crazy Eye’ as the NFL puts more effort into concussion prevention of it's players. All current NFL employees will be required to take the class, and it will also be administered every year at the Rookie Symposium.

“Our ultimate goal is to peacefully coexist with the females in our lives,” Goodell said, “The best way to do that is to allow them the illusion of female empowerment while constantly reminding them of the enormous physical superiority of men. It’s a very delicate balance.”

* NOTE TO READER: Middle Finger News is in no way making light of the serious issue of violence against women, nor are we taking a well deserved shot at the thugs, felons and NWA that permeate the sport of professional football.



In other Sports News:

Anaheim - Los Angles Angels second baseman, Juan Eckelberger  put on injured reserve list indefinitely after being hit by ball during first game of a double header with the Kansas City Royals. 


10 comments:

  1. It's a sad commentary that you have to put in your disclaimer for people who cannot recognize sarcasm. Funny stuff!

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    1. You're right ,Rip.
      I drew the wrath of a very well know leftest blog for something I wrote a while back that went right over their heads. They spammed me for 3 months afterward.....

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  2. Which only confirms my suspicions that liberals have no sense of humor. (Well, beyond thinking Dumb and Dumber is the height of comedy.)

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  3. Actually, it takes a steady touch to be this funny on a subject this angsty. I know I wouldn't attempt it, but you pass with flying colors. Skill level: LMAO! :D

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  4. This is incredible but not very funny. Those shellshocked zombies will have to put their names on a sheet of paper, proving they had taken part in the program! Can you not see the long-term outcome of this program? This is a police action! It's scary. Sorry, all you guys.

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    1. Bee, I tihnk you need to read it again....IT"S SATIRE. ;)

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    2. I know it is satire. Duh! BUT, think about where satire leads, and where we are currently with American political correctness. Think of Sterling and the Washington Redskins. These all began with something akin to jokes. Have you looked at the Political Cartoons in Townhall lately?
      I feel as though I'm drowning in stupid ass rules that do not contribute to a sane society.
      Sorry, if I said it wrong. B

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    3. B, I hesitate to approach this because my own blog just self-destructed weeks ago over exactly this type of argument. You're right that some people make fun of the wrong things during serious controversies like this. But I think, in general, you're wrong that such controversies "all began" with jokes. Also, in this case, you're criticizing one of the few satires that did exactly the right thing. This piece parodies the same "stupid ass rule" response you're talking about. It's funny because it doesn't make fun of the problem or the pain of those involved. It makes fun of the idiotic response that you KNOW the NFL is going to use to duck out of this. Right?

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  5. The woman pictured with Roger Goodell is his wife, Jane Skinner, former Fox News host, who promptly quit her position when Roger began making a gazillion dollars as NFL Commissioner. I hope she didn't burn any bridges at Fox, since she may need to supplement family income, should Roger be shown the door by NFL owners as a financial liability to their franchises.

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