Showing posts with label It's Satire Baby!. Show all posts
Showing posts with label It's Satire Baby!. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 21, 2023

The First Thanksgiving. 🦃 Good Thing, Bad Thing? Short Lecture for the Masses by Professor Jimbo.

Discredited high school history teacher, James O'Flannery, describes the origins of AMERICA'S most beloved holiday, Thanksgiving, mostly without profanity and while sober (we think).

Gather 'round to hear the story of THE FIRST THANKSGIVING, featuring Squanto, William Bradford, Thomas Dermer, Samoset, Massasoit, the Puritans, the Pilgrims, Henry VIII , Anne Boleyn and much, much, more!

A Production By Our Friends @flappr.net


~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Tuesday, November 14, 2023

Mexican Cartels Issue a Letter of Gratitude to Their "Man of the Year."

(MFNS)- Guano Mexico- The hostile Northern Mexican Cartels called a temporary truce long enough to issued a joint communique to the White House stating their undying gratitude for what they called "Outstanding Work on Behalf of the Cartels Man of the Year" for 2023.
  
Cartel Man of the Year - El Presidente' Joe Biden

In the communique they praised Biden for "reversing previous leader's hindering border protections" and "spoon feeding his useful idiots in the media the cover story that the border was closed, to which they dutiful repeated to their audience of gringo retards, helping give free reign to violate the sovereign border mostly unimpeded and away from most prying eyes of the press. Well played Mr. Biden."

They went on to confirm that with Biden's help more than 9 million illegals' cross the border mostly unopposed and into the open arms of the border patrol after being extorted for millions by the cartels to be led across safely. They also praised "El Presidente' for the opportunity to "export central America's undesirables across the border to relive the jail overcrowding and to help America with it's lack of diversity"

Praise was showered for the "opportunity for lucrative human trafficking of women and unaccompanied children for the benefit of the perverted liberal elites and the criminal underground forced sex work." 

The cartels were especially in praise of El Presidente' Biden and his pups in the media for the ability to quash any suggestion of responsibility on Biden's part for the growing number of deaths on the streets of America from the large quantities of drugs they were able to import during undetected night crossing in the last three years. The fentanyl alone worth millions, was enough to kill every American while border patrol was feeding and babysitting border jumpers. 

With the massive amounts of money Biden has given the Cartels opportunity to make from extortion of illegals and the importation of drugs and child sex slaves, the heavily armed cartels thanked Biden for control of most of northern Mexico and large sections of border.

The communiqué ended with anticipations of continuing non-aggression and good wishes and hopes for even further cooperation in the future. 

~ Thank You Larwyn's Linx@ Doug Ross Journal for the Linkage! ~

Wednesday, October 4, 2023

I Should Have Listened to the Dog and took a Right Turn at the Red Barn

As a musician, I've played many types of gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I just sat down and started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man I had never met.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. Even the dog. When I finished, I packed up and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I ain't never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

Tuesday, March 14, 2023

Greta Thunberg Threatens to Hold Her Breath Until Evil World Leaders Capitulate To Her Demands


MFNS - After the utter embarrassment of the uncovering of a recent deleted 2018 tweet predicting the world could no longer be saved in 2023, the provocative pig tailed propaganda purveyor of climate panic, far left activist Greta Thunberg, has put the world on notice that she intends to hold her breath until her climate change demands to stop using fossil fuels are met she told the press.
"I will hold my breath until you evil rat bastards capitulate to my demands. Failure to do so will result in my demise as well as mother Earth and you will burn in HELL! 
Do You Understand!!??"
For a little background:
In June of 2018, the high school dropout tweeted a quote from an article predicting, “climate change will wipe out all of humanity unless we stop using fossil fuels over the next five years.” In other words, the point of no return is 2023. In other words, nothing can be done if we do not stop using fossil fuels by 2023.

Well, if nothing can be done, that means the entire environmental movement might as well pack up and go home.

This is the 54th prediction these enviro-fascists have had to take back. 54 dire predictions about the environment, and not one of them—not one!—has come true. The environmental movement is 0-54. We should all eat bugs, give up our air conditioning, and turn to socialism due to climate change (which is a hoax) because this 0-54 group says so?? What’s more, should we take this weird, little scold who didn’t finish high school seriously? - John Nolte
Greta took no questions as she then excused herself to rush to meet her reservations for a first class, climate controlled private compartment on mass transit powered by fossil fuel produced electricity to continue the fourth year of her 'How Dare You' tour.

Monday, October 24, 2022

Real Leaders Never Quit, Liz—Take It From Us Democrats

Op-Ed by "Anonymous Former Democratic Strategist Not Named James Carville"

What were you thinking, Liz? You quit being prime minister of the UK just because you were a colossal failure? Where’s the logic in that?

In a REAL Democracy, like the one we have here in the United States, Democrat leaders NEVER resign under any circumstances, even if they’ve been caught failing, cheating, or don't have all their mental capacities.

We in the savior Democrat party have had politicians who have openly run epic grifting operation while Secretary of State, who sent pallets with billions of dollars to our enemies, who abused girlfriends and wivesweaponized the nations highest law enforcement agency to spy on journalist, weaponized the IRS against rival political parties. Who rigged election resultstrafficked illegal alien minor children while turning a blind eye to historic drug trafficking that's has killed more Americans than the 20 years of the war on terror.  I could go on.....  

The point is, you name it, we’ve done it. But so what? That’s no reason for any of us to resign.

In America, egregious wrongdoings are just a golden opportunity to flood our constituents’ inboxes with pleas for money. Allow us to explain how that works: We do something terrible, and then when someone points it out, we defend ourselves against “slander” and fight back against disgusting rightwing “lies.”

 You see, Liz? When you’re a democrat, they not only let you do it, they reward you for it. Spreading lies and misinformation is just a means to rake in some sweet dollars. Screaming about "Guns" and "Women's Healthcare" (as we call it) is simply a time-honored democrat way to cash in. We’re not joking here — please sign up for our mailing list and see for yourself. Also, remember to give us money every time we do something appalling.  

But with a reliable base of low info voters ensuring that Democrats retain power in any district dominated by a major city containing large concentrations of black folk and suburban wine-box Lindas, there’s absolutely no reason for any Democrat politician ever to be held accountable again, unless they spill the beans about our secret orgies, that is. It’s a win-win situation for Democrats, Liz, whereas you clearly lost. 

It’s a perfect system for us Leftist politicians who can fail, cheat and steal and never have to worry about our jobs. And I think we can all agree that it’s a far better system than the one you have in the UK, where a PM has to give in to a uppity patriarchal mob and resign when they’re a total and abject failure.

Anyway, it’s over now, Liz. You’re not going to be prime minister anymore, and it’s all because you were a terrible prime minister, which is such a silly reason. Maybe you should be more like us. 

Saturday, October 8, 2022

Local Woke Businessman Extends Welcome Message To Refugees

Blinkie Carsdale - Owner Operator of Mystical Coffee Bar and Bong Emporium 

My Independent Coffee Shop Welcomes All Refugees
That Can Afford a Seven Dollar Latte 

A MFNS Op-ed by Blinkie Carsdale
The Mystical Coffee Bar is all about coffee and inclusion. That is why our new policy is that all illegal alien refugees are always welcome in our café so long as they can afford at least a seven dollar small latte (cash only).

Owning a small independent coffee shop is about more than just making money. It's about being a part of a community. A community that we would love to welcome you into, just as soon as you decide what drink you would like. I take my role as a community leader very seriously and I am using my abundant trust fund money wisely. I'm not just some uncaring businessman ripping people off. I am fueling the members of my neighborhood with nutritious, earth saving soy and goat cum ingrediencies as they start their day so they can go out and make a difference in the world.

This would probably be a good time to mention each refugee needs to buy his or her own drink if they wish to stay in the café or use the restrooms.

Now I know that our latté’s aren't cheap, especially on a refugee salary, but that's because we pay our workers a fair wage and only use cruelty-free beans in our coffee. We charge more because we are fighting back against an evil capitalistic system that marginalizes common people to enrich the powerful. Moments like these are why I started my own business.

I truly look forward to you coming to the register with your seven dollars (cash only) so I can show you how much The Mystical Coffee Bar supports the downtrodden of our society.  

But I do insist that you not beg our customers for money. It makes them feel uncomfortable.

Tuesday, July 5, 2022

Joe Biden’s Guide to Life

"Hardly anyone was shocked to learn that President Joe Biden is so cognitively impaired that members of his staff are printing out official note cards with detailed instructions to help him carry out his daily tasks. On Thursday, for example, White House photographers caught a glimpse of a card outlining the "sequence of events" for a discussion about offshore wind energy. "YOU enter the Roosevelt Room and say hello to participants. YOU take YOUR seat," the card instructs."

"In addition to these event-specific note cards, Biden also carries a general "cheat sheet" to help him get through the day without humiliating himself. The Washington Free Beacon has exclusively obtained a copy of this official document. It is published below in full to ensure that OUR democracy DOES NOT die in darkness. Enjoy!"

And Now a Word From the President:

Sunday, May 8, 2022

NSA Warns of Being Overwhelmed by 'Birthing Person Day' Messages

 General Paul M. Nakasone - Director, National Security Agency / Chief Central Scrutinizer

MFNS - Washington, DC-- The NSA announced Friday in a closed door meeting with the House Homeland Security Committee that the agency once again expects to be overwhelmed by the email, text and telephone traffic on 'Birthing Person Day' this Weekend.

Taking time out of the Homeland Security Committee's Jan 6th Kabuki Theater, N.S.A. director General Paul Nakasone told the committee that tracking of over 110 million text messages and emails will tax our limits of capacity for information gathering on Americans, adding to the agencies normal heavy load of domestic taps".

While General Nakasone added "while the amount of traffic intercepted may fall short of the 130 million 'Birthing Persons Sexual Partner's Day' messages collected by the N.S.A. last June during the pandemic, the NSA still has a backlog of unread messages to be read." 

He added "we also collected in the neighborhood of two to three million such e-mails from angry Birthing Persons last year who failed to hear from their children."

The director stated while the agency had not foiled any terror plots in their info gathering lately, they did uncover between twenty and thirty thousand extramarital relationships.

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Mystery Disease May Affect One in Nearly Every Human Being


By MFNS Medical 
Correspondent
Dr. J. Humple Squeed III - MD PhD & BMF



It is known by many names: Common Fulgent Peplepsia, Magnate’s Curiosity Disease, Pendleton’s Old Forthwith, Partial Suggestive Consumption, Abraham’s Pitchpole, The Widow Confuser, The Belching Flirts, Pre-Seasonal Objective Disorder, Knackered’s Delight, and The Kisin Cyster, but one thing is universally known: Aparalytic Contradysfunctional Exoficial Disorder, or 'ACED', affects one in nearly every human being in the world. Yes, it is that widespread.

Forty years ago, even ten years ago, but for a brief period six years ago, ACED was never diagnosed. Just as people with ADHD were once labeled hyperactive, or overly impulsive, or inattentive, or, medically speaking, “kind of annoying,” people with what we now call ACED were once written off as easily barked, or simple, or self-neutering, or just… slightly, among other things. Today research tells us that ACED is a complicated, confusing, often misdiagnosed disease.  

And we know that the more researchers learn, the less we realize we know more, which in itself may be a sign that the researchers themselves have ACED. What we do know about ACED is that there are more questions than answers. Questions such as: What are the symptoms of ACED? How can it be treated? Will insurance pay for treatment? Should your child go to a school just for ACED kids? What if your doctor says you or someone you love or have fantasized about has ACED? What if your doctor has ACED and wants to sell it to you? What do you do if a teacher says your child has ACED, or if a teacher says he or she is gay?

This guide can’t answer all those questions, but you, extrapolating from this guide, should be able to answer those questions. If you can’t, you may have ACED. This guide will, however, not help you learn how to cut through the red tape and get what you need from doctors, teachers, schools, healthcare providers, coaches, employers, mid-level management, your local postal worker, security personnel, unlicensed hypnotherapists, or the Federal Emergency Management Association.

So, what are the symptoms of ACED?
Symptoms run the gamut from 0 to Z. Among them are: confusion; calm to violent moods; slumping between thoughts; using the hands to form symbols or signs of greeting; being needlessly anecdotal, secretly apocryphal, or involuntarily topical. People with ACED also often show signs of wariness, didactic toiletry, stringent obsessive abstrusity, or malfeasant sweating. Overnight, a seemingly happy, healthy person suddenly wakes to find their nipples imperceptibly smaller, foods taste longer, and that someone named Wilson has borrowed their pants.

Is ACED contagious?
Researchers say ACED is not contagious. This from the World Health Organization:
“ACED is absolutely non-communicable’ — is what we’ll tell the general public because we don’t want to start a worldwide panic by revealing that it is, in fact, absurdly contagious. Remember to redact all but the first bit of this statement.”
I think I have been exposed to ACED. What should I do?
  • Drink plenty of water.
  • Cook meat and poultry thoroughly.
  • Immediately wash your clothing in a mixture of salt water, vinegar, and regret.
  • Check your skin for redness, itching, bumps, wrinkles, pores, follicles, and general stretchability. Note any changes. Remove any skin that is not your own.
  • Run for 20 miles in an attempt to “out-run” the virus. 
I think I have ACED. What should I do?
  • Call 911 but be vague, so as not to cause a panic.
  • Find someone to spend the rest of your life with, even someone irritating at this point.
  • Elevate your feet above your heart.
  • Urinate on exposed areas. 
  • Meditate to reduce anxiety and keep you from focusing on certain death.
  • Drive to the nearest emergency room. Ask for Tess. If no one named Tess is employed there, wait. There will be.
  • Think about what you could have done with your life if only you had been someone else.
  • Cook meat and poultry thoroughly.
Is it OK to go on vacation with ACED? 
Yes. If you want to ruin everyone else’s vacation.

Does ACED impair driving?
Don’t know.

Will ACED make it difficult for my child to make friends?
Don’t know.

Do bullies pick on kids with ACED?
Probably. We would.

Will ACED medication interfere with my other medications? 
How much fun will I have finding out?
There are currently no medications clinically approved to treat ACED. We suggest trying various combinations of existing medicines. That’s what we did while writing this guide.

What if my initials are ACED? Does that mean I have it? 
Stands to reason.

I still don’t understand exactly what ACED is. Is that a sign that I have it?
If we had to guess? Yeah.

This guide doesn’t really make sense. Is it possible that the author has ACED?
Cook meat and poultry thoroughly.

Tuesday, February 8, 2022

North Korea Dominates Olympic Gold


MFNS Pyongyang - Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un made a rare appearance on Nork TV today to congratulate the North Korean Olympic Team on their dominate performance so far in the opening week of the Beijing Olympic games.

Kim told the North Korean people their Supreme Leader "was confident the Nork Team will once again demonstrate to the world the strength and superiority of the North Korean people and their Olympic athletes."  Kim assured the people the blackout of the Olympic telecast in the country is in retaliation of the DPRK long historic domination of the games.

DPRK News Official Metal Count:
  
Supreme Leader Kim did give comfort to his people's discrimination as being saved the "annoying voice of bubble head commentators drone on in painful detail about heroic human interest stories like a part Mandarin, part Nigerian athlete with 25 brothers and sisters, who lived in a tree and overcame a debilitating childhood disease like infantile toe fungus to become a 400 meter Ice Hurdler and a unworthy faux hero to people of color the world over."  Or having to experience the "space alien looking Tara Lipinski and her freakishly flaming gay side-kick" who acts like he dropped acid and raided Cindy Crawford's makeup kit, and dresses like he broke into the Liberace Museum as they do their snarky commentary on ice dancing which Supreme Leader Kim called "a public display of erotic fetishes involving skates, and not true sport."  

And according to the Official DPRK News Agency:
"American Government Puppet, Jo Biden, who touts himself as the "Nations Largest Athletic Supporter", said yesterday at a joint news conference with German guy, that he can't wait till the gymnastics start. "I'm a big fan of gymnastical matches and our guys and gals in tights".
Developing:

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

CNN Announces 2022 Prom Queen Nominations

MFNS - After a three year long hiatus because of covid, CNN has decided to bring back their yearly Prom, Talent Show and Primal Scream Competition for it's employees.  The event is intended to be a bit of sunshine in a sea of bad ratings for beleaguered network personalities doing heated battle rating races with local cable access gardening shows and reruns of  60 year old Perry Mason episodes.

Former CNN anchor and makeup addict Brook Baldwin, a five time Prom Queen (2011-16) revealed in her recent book "WTF Am I Working Here for?? - Memories of My Days at CNN", that the CNN Prom Queen Reign was an opportunity to show all the other ambitious CNN employees just who "The Bitch Who Shall Not Be Fucked With" is for the following year. But she also said the crown sometime results in bad feelings, sharp words and hair pulling screaming matches in the women restroom. 

CNN has opened up the voting for the Prom Queen, and since they've lost 75% of their audience, they invite the general public to help choose. So here's your opportunity to help crown the newest Queen of CNN from this bevy of talented beauties.

Leave your choices in the comments and we'll make sure your vote get counted. 

No mail in ballots will be counted.  Otherwise we use democrat rules. You are allowed to vote numerous times, but within a reasonable number. 

It's like...history or something. Here are your CNN 2022 Prom Queen Nominees: 



Editrix Update: It was just announced by the CNN 'Department of Diversity & Inclusion' that Prom King nominations would the limited to CNN's Black male employees only. 

This caused Don Lemon's nomination to be moved from the 'Queen' to 'King' Category to create a competition, which caused Victor Blackwell to accuse CNN of racism. 

Your MF Prom King Nominees:


You can also consider this your Midweek Open Thread. 

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Great Britain Announces Reclamation of America

 


To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your current failure to financially and politically  manage yourselves and also, your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents and therefore not properly govern yourselves, The Crown hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)


I, Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except New Jersey, which we do not wish to acquire.)

Your new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson (bojo@uk.gov), will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' and 'nigga' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday,  enough of your foolish inebriation. 
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a concealed vegetable peeler.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get over it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup up but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American beer will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball and learn cricket.
13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)
14. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

 

Somewhat Respectfully,
Elizabeth II, Queen of All England and Boss of You
God Save the Queen!

______________________________

Wednesday, November 24, 2021

46* Wishes Racist White Colonizers Happy Thanksgiving; Salutes the Fallen Turkeys.

When the Pilgrims Landed at Plymouth Minnesota, They Slaughtered All the Buffalo for
Their Horns to Make Kazoos for the First Thanksgiving Day Parade
. - Joe Biden

Saturday, September 11, 2021

H.P. Lovecraft Writes Olive Garden Dinner Menu 😎


Fried Calamari 

Tendrils crusted in grit assail my palate. Begotten of the sea, yet containing the essence of a carnival. Fried and without end. At once I feel refined and base, but melancholy grips me when I spy the dressings within which this dismembered cephalopod is to dip. A mixture resembling coagulated plasma, and the other… spicy milk? A crème, surprisingly smooth but savory. This contradictory breach of decorum and smattering of flavors inspires terror within my heart of hearts. Hope absconds from this place

Lasagna Classico

If I survive, I will never shake the unmitigated horror. The layers: slick, flesh-colored slices… of what? I am forever unsure. Tiers of bloody stripes, as my tears soon will be. Madness controls my mouth as forkfuls of stodgy substance and sludge slide down my esophagus. Death seems certain.

Giant Cheese-Stuffed Shells

Nautilus shapes—mere facades—taunt me, oozing a nutty concoction so vile. Are they large? Or small? My eyes refuse to betray their size. The carapaces dwarf me with garnishes crunchy and uncouth. They are evil unclothed and glutted with the curdled maiden milk of many.

Chicken Parmigiana

I am filled with fear. Pullet flesh, seared to white, cast like bronze within a crunchy coat. But no, that alone is not enough—this floundering mass of tender meat slides around in a cardinal slurry alongside glutinous tentacles too many to enumerate; such that they confound the senses and simultaneously seduce my bravery to dread. I am left muttering to myself a mantra of origin unknown, “When you’re here… when you’re here… you are… family?”

Cheese Ravioli

A homogeneity characterized its flaxen cast. Bubbling sacks of slime upon a platter scorching. Beware! Doused in the pureed remains of a dozen orbic fruits, I feel my breath quicken and hands tremble as I pen its likeness as well as I might. My own mind conspires against me when presented with this frightful entrée. To dine? Or will my own visage mirror its sickly jaundice? I have touched with too much haste the vessel of Hades, a burn be my meal.

The Tour of Italy

A terse presentation of memories, three to be precise. A chicken, but unclucking. A plate of worms, wriggling in saucy terror. And then, horror unbounded, a cube of entombed layers coated in a crimson, comestible smear. Dreams fleeting and reborn, of monoliths—Pisa—floating mid-air and dripping gruel. A gurgling voice emerged from the deep, a chaos that did not speak a mortal tongue, a promise emitted: “Unlimahtated brrrrurdstihks!”

Tiramisu

Sweet, subtle, and bitter all at once upon my lips. My throat tightens at the sensation, “Surely this is erroneous?” I quake. How can a concoction both allure and despair me with such synchronicity? My stomach churns against the lactose as enzymes fret, a jolt of vitality causes my lethargy to flee, from where? A caffeinated cause? Though on the surface a horrid delight, my lugubrious nature holds firm. I shall surely die.

Red Blend Porta Vita

Swirling currents of terrible Burgundy press a cloud down upon me, a fog beyond comprehension that ever muddles and befuddles my cogitation. I am unlaced after a mere cup, uncorked after a bottle. Life swims before me though I stand on dry land—or so I thought! The abyss beckons to me and I am like to answer. Notes of tree bark.

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Former Retail Giants Now Part of Afghan Government

Susan Rice: We Can Prove Bergdahl Swap Was a Success

From the DMF Archive March 2015: 

MFNS - On this weekends Sunday TV political gabfest, Susan Rice will once again take to the airwaves to defend the Obama administrations decision to release the Gitmo 5 and prove the success of the swap of army deserter Bowe Bergdahl for the five terrorist held at Guantanamo Bay. Fear arose by some that the notorious terrorist would rejoin jihad and continue to make trouble.

But Rice is set show the 5 men, with a generous grant from the US State Department (a forerunner of their Jobs For Jihadist program idea) are a shining example of the success of the Obama State Dept and their compassionate foreign policy toward Muslims. Rice says the 5 have given up their jihadists ways and adopted full tilt American style entrepreneur capitalism.

MFNS has acquired an advance copy of her talking points and a sponsorship graphic taken from one of the Middle East television's most popular shows, 'Late Night with Mahmoud'.


The White House has express hope the 5 would come one day to this country at conduct seminars on successful entrepreneurship in depressed areas, like Detroit and D.C.

Tuesday, June 16, 2020

Dear Professor - Field Report From CHAZ

Unrolled Tweeter Thread from @MattsIdeaShop:

Autonomous Zone Day 1
Dear Professor Whoake, Well, we did it. I can’t believe we are actually dismantling the system! We got the cops out and set up a few co-ops food stands like you suggested. People are very happy. Everyone has really positive status updates. Talk soon.

A.Z. Day 2
Hey Professor Whoake,  So minor set back. A roaming band of homeless steampunks stole the co-ops supplies. We have a few sketchy pieces of fruit and enough water to last until tomorrow when we can resupply. The stores closed tho so I’m not sure where to go? Ttyl

A.Z. Day 2 [dusk]
they took the fruit and water. I don’t understand the steampunk genre. There’s rumors of a rapper warlord wandering around with an ak47. Your classes never taught us how to deal with that. Starting to think need a group of people to enforce our laws...

Day 3
U know what? F*** you “Professor” Yeah. I slept in a hut made from a torn down street sign & a CVS shopping cart. Pretty sure someone used me as a toilet. I have to pay armed guys to charge my device now. paid $13 just to be sure I could text u this 🖕🏼 I’m changing majors.

Day 4 
no escape. a gypsy bartered me to the s/e sector warlord in exchange for the bagel store's wifi password. my warlord's name is Indigo Peaceblade. I recognize him from the Starbucks on Clark Ave. i think his real name is bryce. my job's to collect feces for farm soil.

day 5
the farm has been lost. A meth head took it over and challenged everyone to mortal combat for the farm. Yes, it’s basically just a small pile of soil on top of some cardboard but it’s our small pile of soil on top of cardboard. At least it was. He had two bamboo spears.

day 6
camp was raided by a quartet of unicyclers. i fled during the fracas. While roaming a neutral zone i was confronted by a man known as Big Juice. He controls a very large supply of batteries. He has deals with many warlords. No one touches Big Juice. i'm under his wing.


~ Thank You MJA@IOTWReport for the Linkage! ~

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Capital Hill Police Issue Alert


MIDDLE FINGER NEWS SERVICE

Capital Hill Police
Wednesday -1:00 AM
For Immediate Release:

Capital Hill Police do hereby issue warning to all Congressional members, their staff and all Capital Hill support employees to DO NOT position oneself either on purpose or by accident between the Senator from New York, Chuck Schumer, and any Network News Reporter, camera or microphone this Wednesday morning. 
The risk of being knock down or run over and trampled by the Senator while rushing to get to any nearby microphone or camera to take full credit for saving the country with the Coronavirus Stimulus Bill negotiated late last night is considered very high and likely. 
The Senator's past history make it imperative all personnel on the Hill today to be on the lookout, be of concern and take extreme care in this matter.

Sunday, February 16, 2020

Poll: Americans Say They Will Vote For Bloomberg If That Makes Him Stop Airing Ads

MIDDLE FINGER NEWS SERVICE:


MFNS - In a positive sign for the former New York mayor, a new Middle Finger News Service poll indicates that an increasing number of Americans would vote for Michael Bloomberg if that would make him stop airing campaign ads.

The poll found that sixteen percent of those surveyed were “somewhat likely” to vote for Bloomberg if that would convince him to stop airing ads, twenty-one percent were “very likely” to do so for that reason, and a whopping thirty-three percent “strongly agreed” with the statement “Seriously, I’ll do whatever he wants—please, just make them stop right now.”

By contrast, only eight percent said that they would vote for Bloomberg’s fellow-billionaire Tom Steyer if that would make Steyer stop airing his ads.

At Bloomberg campaign headquarters, in New York, the campaign’s chief strategist, Harland Dorrinson, told us that the poll numbers made it clear that “Mike’s ads are having exactly their desired effect.  If these many people are willing to vote for Mike to make him stop airing ads after he’s spent only two hundred million, imagine how many will vote to stop him after he spends another eight hundred million,” Dorrinson crowed.

In a new Bloomberg ad airing this week, the candidate addresses the viewer directly, stating, “Hi, I’m Mike Bloomberg. Do you want to see more of these ads? The choice is yours,” before the screen abruptly goes black.


~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS &
Larwyn's Linx@ Doug Ross Journal for the Linkage! ~