Tuesday, November 21, 2023
The First Thanksgiving. 🦃 Good Thing, Bad Thing? Short Lecture for the Masses by Professor Jimbo.
Tuesday, November 14, 2023
Mexican Cartels Issue a Letter of Gratitude to Their "Man of the Year."
Cartel Man of the Year - El Presidente' Joe Biden |
Wednesday, October 4, 2023
I Should Have Listened to the Dog and took a Right Turn at the Red Barn
As a musician, I've played many types of gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I just sat down and started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man I had never met.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. Even the dog. When I finished, I packed up and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I ain't never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
Tuesday, March 14, 2023
Greta Thunberg Threatens to Hold Her Breath Until Evil World Leaders Capitulate To Her Demands
"I will hold my breath until you evil rat bastards capitulate to my demands. Failure to do so will result in my demise as well as mother Earth and you will burn in HELL!
Do You Understand!!??"
In June of 2018, the high school dropout tweeted a quote from an article predicting, “climate change will wipe out all of humanity unless we stop using fossil fuels over the next five years.” In other words, the point of no return is 2023. In other words, nothing can be done if we do not stop using fossil fuels by 2023.Well, if nothing can be done, that means the entire environmental movement might as well pack up and go home.This is the 54th prediction these enviro-fascists have had to take back. 54 dire predictions about the environment, and not one of them—not one!—has come true. The environmental movement is 0-54. We should all eat bugs, give up our air conditioning, and turn to socialism due to climate change (which is a hoax) because this 0-54 group says so?? What’s more, should we take this weird, little scold who didn’t finish high school seriously? - John Nolte
Monday, January 30, 2023
Monday, October 24, 2022
Real Leaders Never Quit, Liz—Take It From Us Democrats
Op-Ed by "Anonymous Former Democratic Strategist Not Named James Carville"
What were you thinking, Liz? You quit being prime minister of the UK just because you were a colossal failure? Where’s the logic in that?
In a REAL Democracy, like the one we have here in the United States, Democrat leaders NEVER resign under any circumstances, even if they’ve been caught failing, cheating, or don't have all their mental capacities.
We in the savior Democrat party have had politicians who have openly run epic grifting operation while Secretary of State, who sent pallets with billions of dollars to our enemies, who abused girlfriends and wives, weaponized the nations highest law enforcement agency to spy on journalist, weaponized the IRS against rival political parties. Who rigged election results, trafficked illegal alien minor children while turning a blind eye to historic drug trafficking that's has killed more Americans than the 20 years of the war on terror. I could go on.....
The point is, you name it, we’ve done it. But so what? That’s no reason for any of us to resign.
In America, egregious wrongdoings are just a golden opportunity to flood our constituents’ inboxes with pleas for money. Allow us to explain how that works: We do something terrible, and then when someone points it out, we defend ourselves against “slander” and fight back against disgusting rightwing “lies.”
You see, Liz? When you’re a democrat, they not only let you do it, they reward you for it. Spreading lies and misinformation is just a means to rake in some sweet dollars. Screaming about "Guns" and "Women's Healthcare" (as we call it) is simply a time-honored democrat way to cash in. We’re not joking here — please sign up for our mailing list and see for yourself. Also, remember to give us money every time we do something appalling.
But with a reliable base of low info voters ensuring that Democrats retain power in any district dominated by a major city containing large concentrations of black folk and suburban wine-box Lindas, there’s absolutely no reason for any Democrat politician ever to be held accountable again, unless they spill the beans about our secret orgies, that is. It’s a win-win situation for Democrats, Liz, whereas you clearly lost.
It’s a perfect system for us Leftist politicians who can fail, cheat and steal and never have to worry about our jobs. And I think we can all agree that it’s a far better system than the one you have in the UK, where a PM has to give in to a uppity patriarchal mob and resign when they’re a total and abject failure.
Anyway, it’s over now, Liz. You’re not going to be prime minister anymore, and it’s all because you were a terrible prime minister, which is such a silly reason. Maybe you should be more like us.
Saturday, October 8, 2022
Local Woke Businessman Extends Welcome Message To Refugees
The Mystical Coffee Bar is all about coffee and inclusion. That is why our new policy is that all illegal alien refugees are always welcome in our café so long as they can afford at least a seven dollar small latte (cash only).
Owning a small independent coffee shop is about more than just making money. It's about being a part of a community. A community that we would love to welcome you into, just as soon as you decide what drink you would like. I take my role as a community leader very seriously and I am using my abundant trust fund money wisely. I'm not just some uncaring businessman ripping people off. I am fueling the members of my neighborhood with nutritious, earth saving soy and goat cum ingrediencies as they start their day so they can go out and make a difference in the world.
This would probably be a good time to mention each refugee needs to buy his or her own drink if they wish to stay in the café or use the restrooms.
Now I know that our latté’s aren't cheap, especially on a refugee salary, but that's because we pay our workers a fair wage and only use cruelty-free beans in our coffee. We charge more because we are fighting back against an evil capitalistic system that marginalizes common people to enrich the powerful. Moments like these are why I started my own business.I truly look forward to you coming to the register with your seven dollars (cash only) so I can show you how much The Mystical Coffee Bar supports the downtrodden of our society.
But I do insist that you not beg our customers for money. It makes them feel uncomfortable.
Tuesday, July 5, 2022
Joe Biden’s Guide to Life
Happy Fourth of July. America can be defined in a single word. Listen:pic.twitter.com/A3Xha2hp3Z
— Ian Miles Cheong (@stillgray) July 4, 2022
Sunday, May 8, 2022
NSA Warns of Being Overwhelmed by 'Birthing Person Day' Messages
General Paul M. Nakasone - Director, National Security Agency / Chief Central Scrutinizer |
Tuesday, April 19, 2022
Mystery Disease May Affect One in Nearly Every Human Being
By MFNS Medical Correspondent
“ACED is absolutely non-communicable’ — is what we’ll tell the general public because we don’t want to start a worldwide panic by revealing that it is, in fact, absurdly contagious. Remember to redact all but the first bit of this statement.”
- Drink plenty of water.
- Cook meat and poultry thoroughly.
- Immediately wash your clothing in a mixture of salt water, vinegar, and regret.
- Check your skin for redness, itching, bumps, wrinkles, pores, follicles, and general stretchability. Note any changes. Remove any skin that is not your own.
- Run for 20 miles in an attempt to “out-run” the virus.
- Call 911 but be vague, so as not to cause a panic.
- Find someone to spend the rest of your life with, even someone irritating at this point.
- Elevate your feet above your heart.
- Urinate on exposed areas.
- Meditate to reduce anxiety and keep you from focusing on certain death.
- Drive to the nearest emergency room. Ask for Tess. If no one named Tess is employed there, wait. There will be.
- Think about what you could have done with your life if only you had been someone else.
- Cook meat and poultry thoroughly.
Tuesday, February 8, 2022
North Korea Dominates Olympic Gold
"American Government Puppet, Jo Biden, who touts himself as the "Nations Largest Athletic Supporter", said yesterday at a joint news conference with German guy, that he can't wait till the gymnastics start. "I'm a big fan of gymnastical matches and our guys and gals in tights".
Wednesday, January 26, 2022
CNN Announces 2022 Prom Queen Nominations
MFNS - After a three year long hiatus because of covid, CNN has decided to bring back their yearly Prom, Talent Show and Primal Scream Competition for it's employees. The event is intended to be a bit of sunshine in a sea of bad ratings for beleaguered network personalities doing heated battle rating races with local cable access gardening shows and reruns of 60 year old Perry Mason episodes.
Former CNN anchor and makeup addict Brook Baldwin, a five time Prom Queen (2011-16) revealed in her recent book "WTF Am I Working Here for?? - Memories of My Days at CNN", that the CNN Prom Queen Reign was an opportunity to show all the other ambitious CNN employees just who "The Bitch Who Shall Not Be Fucked With" is for the following year. But she also said the crown sometime results in bad feelings, sharp words and hair pulling screaming matches in the women restroom.
CNN has opened up the voting for the Prom Queen, and since they've lost 75% of their audience, they invite the general public to help choose. So here's your opportunity to help crown the newest Queen of CNN from this bevy of talented beauties.
Leave your choices in the comments and we'll make sure your vote get counted.
No mail in ballots will be counted. Otherwise we use democrat rules. You are allowed to vote numerous times, but within a reasonable number.
It's like...history or something. Here are your CNN 2022 Prom Queen Nominees:
Tuesday, January 25, 2022
Great Britain Announces Reclamation of America
Your new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson (bojo@uk.gov), will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' and 'nigga' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday, enough of your foolish inebriation.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a concealed vegetable peeler.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get over it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup up but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American beer will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball and learn cricket.
13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)
14. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
Somewhat Respectfully,
Elizabeth II, Queen of All England and Boss of You
Wednesday, November 24, 2021
46* Wishes Racist White Colonizers Happy Thanksgiving; Salutes the Fallen Turkeys.
When the Pilgrims Landed at Plymouth Minnesota, They Slaughtered All the Buffalo for Their Horns to Make Kazoos for the First Thanksgiving Day Parade. - Joe Biden |
Saturday, September 11, 2021
H.P. Lovecraft Writes Olive Garden Dinner Menu 😎
Wednesday, September 8, 2021
Former Retail Giants Now Part of Afghan Government
Susan Rice: We Can Prove Bergdahl Swap Was a Success
From the DMF Archive March 2015:
MFNS - On this weekends Sunday TV political gabfest, Susan Rice will once again take to the airwaves to defend the Obama administrations decision to release the Gitmo 5 and prove the success of the swap of army deserter Bowe Bergdahl for the five terrorist held at Guantanamo Bay. Fear arose by some that the notorious terrorist would rejoin jihad and continue to make trouble.Monday, August 10, 2020
Tuesday, June 16, 2020
Dear Professor - Field Report From CHAZ
Autonomous Zone Day 1
Dear Professor Whoake, Well, we did it. I can’t believe we are actually dismantling the system! We got the cops out and set up a few co-ops food stands like you suggested. People are very happy. Everyone has really positive status updates. Talk soon.
A.Z. Day 2
Hey Professor Whoake, So minor set back. A roaming band of homeless steampunks stole the co-ops supplies. We have a few sketchy pieces of fruit and enough water to last until tomorrow when we can resupply. The stores closed tho so I’m not sure where to go? Ttyl
A.Z. Day 2 [dusk]
they took the fruit and water. I don’t understand the steampunk genre. There’s rumors of a rapper warlord wandering around with an ak47. Your classes never taught us how to deal with that. Starting to think need a group of people to enforce our laws...
Day 3
U know what? F*** you “Professor” Yeah. I slept in a hut made from a torn down street sign & a CVS shopping cart. Pretty sure someone used me as a toilet. I have to pay armed guys to charge my device now. paid $13 just to be sure I could text u this 🖕🏼 I’m changing majors.
Day 4
no escape. a gypsy bartered me to the s/e sector warlord in exchange for the bagel store's wifi password. my warlord's name is Indigo Peaceblade. I recognize him from the Starbucks on Clark Ave. i think his real name is bryce. my job's to collect feces for farm soil.
day 5
the farm has been lost. A meth head took it over and challenged everyone to mortal combat for the farm. Yes, it’s basically just a small pile of soil on top of some cardboard but it’s our small pile of soil on top of cardboard. At least it was. He had two bamboo spears.
day 6
camp was raided by a quartet of unicyclers. i fled during the fracas. While roaming a neutral zone i was confronted by a man known as Big Juice. He controls a very large supply of batteries. He has deals with many warlords. No one touches Big Juice. i'm under his wing.
Wednesday, March 25, 2020
Capital Hill Police Issue Alert
MIDDLE FINGER NEWS SERVICE
Capital Hill Police
Wednesday -1:00 AM
For Immediate Release:
Capital Hill Police do hereby issue warning to all Congressional members, their staff and all Capital Hill support employees to DO NOT position oneself either on purpose or by accident between the Senator from New York, Chuck Schumer, and any Network News Reporter, camera or microphone this Wednesday morning.
The risk of being knock down or run over and trampled by the Senator while rushing to get to any nearby microphone or camera to take full credit for saving the country with the Coronavirus Stimulus Bill negotiated late last night is considered very high and likely.
The Senator's past history make it imperative all personnel on the Hill today to be on the lookout, be of concern and take extreme care in this matter.
Sunday, February 16, 2020
Poll: Americans Say They Will Vote For Bloomberg If That Makes Him Stop Airing Ads
MFNS - In a positive sign for the former New York mayor, a new Middle Finger News Service poll indicates that an increasing number of Americans would vote for Michael Bloomberg if that would make him stop airing campaign ads.
The poll found that sixteen percent of those surveyed were “somewhat likely” to vote for Bloomberg if that would convince him to stop airing ads, twenty-one percent were “very likely” to do so for that reason, and a whopping thirty-three percent “strongly agreed” with the statement “Seriously, I’ll do whatever he wants—please, just make them stop right now.”
By contrast, only eight percent said that they would vote for Bloomberg’s fellow-billionaire Tom Steyer if that would make Steyer stop airing his ads.
At Bloomberg campaign headquarters, in New York, the campaign’s chief strategist, Harland Dorrinson, told us that the poll numbers made it clear that “Mike’s ads are having exactly their desired effect. If these many people are willing to vote for Mike to make him stop airing ads after he’s spent only two hundred million, imagine how many will vote to stop him after he spends another eight hundred million,” Dorrinson crowed.
In a new Bloomberg ad airing this week, the candidate addresses the viewer directly, stating, “Hi, I’m Mike Bloomberg. Do you want to see more of these ads? The choice is yours,” before the screen abruptly goes black.