Showing posts with label Middle Finger News service. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Middle Finger News service. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Former Retail Giants Now Part of Afghan Government

Susan Rice: We Can Prove Bergdahl Swap Was a Success

From the DMF Archive March 2015: 

MFNS - On this weekends Sunday TV political gabfest, Susan Rice will once again take to the airwaves to defend the Obama administrations decision to release the Gitmo 5 and prove the success of the swap of army deserter Bowe Bergdahl for the five terrorist held at Guantanamo Bay. Fear arose by some that the notorious terrorist would rejoin jihad and continue to make trouble.

But Rice is set show the 5 men, with a generous grant from the US State Department (a forerunner of their Jobs For Jihadist program idea) are a shining example of the success of the Obama State Dept and their compassionate foreign policy toward Muslims. Rice says the 5 have given up their jihadists ways and adopted full tilt American style entrepreneur capitalism.

MFNS has acquired an advance copy of her talking points and a sponsorship graphic taken from one of the Middle East television's most popular shows, 'Late Night with Mahmoud'.

The White House has express hope the 5 would come one day to this country at conduct seminars on successful entrepreneurship in depressed areas, like Detroit and D.C.

Saturday, July 18, 2020

Karen Demands the Use of Her Name as a Derogatory Meme be Stopped Immediately

A Middle Finger News Op-ed by.......Karen

OK, so I live in lovely Carmel Valley, so what. Maybe you saw Big Little Lies, set in nearby Monterey. Yeah, I have it pretty good. At least, I had it pretty good. Until this damn Karen meme came around.

My name is Karen.  I am not a privileged white female. I’m a self made real estate investor. Well, I did have a small loan of less than a million dollars from my parents to get me started in the business of owning fabulous real estate in and around Carmel Valley. Well, it wasn’t so much a loan as it was a trust fund. But do you have any idea what a pain in the ass these trusts are to deal with? Why couldn’t my parents have just given me the million dollars straight out? I don’t know, something about taxes, I guess.

Anyhow, the point is, I’m embarrassed to be called Karen now.

I mean, what does this meme signify — everything I hate: white supremacy, entitlement, and basic bitchiness. I am not that. I don’t think the white race is superior. Nor do I think I’m entitled to anything — except my name.

What gives these memists the right to appropriate my lovely name? Were real women named Karen consulted in this matter? Did anybody bother to inform us that we might want to file some papers for a name change as the shit is going to come down soon? That would have been nice to know.

Now every time I introduce myself to a client or a colleague, they get a strange look of condescension in their eyes. “Nice to meet you....Karen.” they say, emphasizing the “cunty” part of the word Kuh-aren. I guess that’s what the Karen meme really signifies, isn’t it — cuntiness? I happen to be one of the least cunty people you will ever meet, ladies and gentlemen. I do spiritual work at the yoga center in town. I chant. I went on a retreat once and didn’t speak for five whole days. I drive a Tesla. Alright, yes, it is the expensive one. But I’m doing my part to save the planet.

Why must my name be associated with cuntiness? And how long will this Karen meme last, do you think? I mean, memes don’t last forever. I remember one meme, about a decade ago — the Sad Keanu meme. Who remembers that any more?

I do not have the “can I speak to the manager” haircut.  Any more. I mean, it is uncanny that the predecessor to the Karen meme had a haircut fairly similar to my own: Yeah, it was pretty great, I have to admit. That haircut made me feel powerful.

But in the end, I decided to go for sexy over powerful. This is the haircut I have now:

That’s right, I’m not fucking around any more. Me and a bunch of other Karen’s are pretty pissed and we are going to start breaking things.

Hell yeah, I was around when punk rock was a thing. True, I was listening to disco but I got some Sex Pistol in me, bitches. You really want a few thousand angry Karen’s burning down your local Target?

Didn’t think so.

So how ‘bout you just cut it out with the Karen memes ‘kay? There are plenty of other cunty sounding middle-aged female names you can use. Trudy, for instance. That sounds pretty stuck up and middle-aged.  Or how about Nancy? Or Pam? Why does it have to be Karen? Huh? Alright, that’s it. I’m calling 911.

“Yes, my name is Karen and I’m being attacked by the internet! Can you please make it stop? Thank you!”

Alright, internet, the cops are coming to arrest you because I told them to. And they listen to me. Know why? Cause I am a Karen! That’s right, take back the word! I am a Karen, hell yeah! A Karen named Karen.

You got a problem with that?

Didn’t think so…

~ Thank You MJA@IOTWReport for the Linkage! ~

Friday, January 31, 2020

Nations Mental Health Experts on High Alert Ahead of Senate Impeachment Vote

Dr. Lucius Diculius MD. PhD. PsyD. 

Middle Finger News Service Exclusive:

The nation's top Therapist and Private Mental Health Counselors are on high alert ahead of the expected ending of the impeachment trial of President Donald Trump.  Dr. Throckmorton D. Crebs of the Manhattan Hospital's Mental Unit in NYC told Middle Finger News Service in a phone interview that they expect a horde of patients if the impeachment trial ends in acquittal.

"Our hospital's largest group of patients are members of the news media seeking therapy the last three years.  They come mostly to us for esteem problems stemming from the fact they know that no one believes them anymore, and they realize no one really likes them except their dogs.  And in some cases, we have found even that is a problem," Crebbs told MFNS.  "It's strange territory between their ears."

"But now, if impeachment fails, there is going to be some angry people of the leftist persuasion who staked their entire reputation as experts on impeachment show panel appearances out there kicking puppies, wandering the streets mumbling to themselves and going on epic benders for days. And don't even get me started about those ranting plastic drama queens of the theater district....... Hey, this interview is off the record, right???"

The famous west coast psychotherapist to the stars, Los Angles Dr. Lucius Diculius told MFNS he is alarmed that he may witness again a landslide of anti-Trump media and show biz celebrities mentally out on the ledge and beating down his door all hour of the night needing reassurances that their fantasy world will survive their ongoing nightmare. 

"Those coked-out f**king Hollywood creeps are the worst", the Doctor told us. "I had grown multi-millionaires sobbing at my feet like a two-year-old after the 2016 election. And G*D Dammit I just got them medicated correctly and pacified after the Mueller Report debacle with the assurance they had him dead straight this time with impeachment !!! And now This!!  Oh, Holy Shit! I need a drink."


~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Saturday, December 21, 2019

Retailers Hit Back at Annoying Shoppers

It's Payback Time Bitches!

By Middle Finger News Consumer Affairs Reporter Toylett Bole

Industry Launches Website 'RateThatCustomer'

MFNS - Following the growth in review sites where consumers can rate the services they use, retailers have welcomed the launch of the new website RateThatCustomer which allows them to rate and review their experiences with individual customers.

"It’s finally payback time," said Scarlet Greene, assistant manager of 'The Reefer Bookshop' in Chicago which has already joined the new site. "A recent customer left us negative feedback because we wouldn’t give him a 60% discount and one of our cashiers ‘has acne’. Now we can go to RateThatCustomer and let everyone know that he’s a tight ass cheap bastard who only needed 60 minutes a month on his phone contract because he hasn’t got any friends to call."

Frogmella Dees - Expert in
Peculation of Retail Merchandise
With a 5-star rating function and the ability to upload a photo of the customer being reviewed, RateThatCustomer already has over 5,000 businesses subscribing to the service. Customers are marked on their ‘browsing-to-buying ratio’, ‘politeness to staff’, ‘suggestibility’, and even their ‘looks and appearance’.

Gus Napolo, Owner of 'Gus' Lingerie Shop' told us he now has an outlet to not only give customer reviews, but also give problem customers a piece of his mine. "This customer always makes a point to tell me how much cheaper products are at other stores  'Here’s an idea. asshole. Go there and shop. You always smell like F**kin' disappointment anyway."

Peachy Keene - Infamous Serial
Merchandise Returner and
General All Around Pain in the Ass
And Candy Mann of 'Michele's Used Candles and Tire Repair' wrote "this regular customer was on their cell phone the entire time I am ringing them out. I’m sure that telling your bff about your super-hot date with the mega rich lawyer is way more important than taking four seconds to acknowledge there is an actual person standing in front of you and  put down the phone. If you don’t, next time I’m going to fart in your bag so there will be a death cloud hitting you in the face when you open it." 
Anyone in retail knows you can’t just lavish high-quality customer service on everyone who comes through the door,’ explained the site’s founder. RateThatCustomer helps retailers to avoid expending effort on the serial complainers and the timewasters who’ll never buy anything. In fact data from the site shows that the customer is always right only 0.3% of the time.

The Always Annoying Dirk Blinker 
and His Poo Flinging Monkey Hillary
Some customers have criticized the new service, however. After stumbling across her review by chance when Googling herself, Doreen McAllister was furious at receiving a 1-star rating from retailer 'Monsiers Dress Shop' for trying on four different sizes of the same underwear without buying any of them, and then ‘loudly announcing that the quality is better in Brickeners ’. 

"The review makes me look like some kind of snob", said Doreen. "They said I asked for assistance with absolutely everything and called me a ‘pestomer’ rather than a customer. But what they said about my appearance was just spiteful. It’s not at all the case that I was too fat for any of the dresses, and I certainly won’t be taking their advice and going to 'Academy Sports' to pick up a tent instead."

Toylett Bole is Middle Finger News Service Consumer Affairs Reporter. Ms. Bole is a expert on retail business, earning her Associate Degree in Retail Lost Prevention while attending the Mississippi State Correction Facility for Women. She Later earned her full Degree in Merchandising while attending the Caddo Correctional Center in Louisiana.

Sunday, December 15, 2019

Greta Threatens to Hold Her Breath Until Evil World Leaders Capitulate To Her Demands


MFNS - Climate activist Greta Thunberg apologized after saying that world leaders who don't act on climate change should be put "against the wall." The sixteen year old provocative pig tailed propaganda purveyor who has been striking against climate change by skipping school claimed on Saturday that the Swedish to English translation incorrectly implied she thought politicians should be killed. It was reported she said we must hold our leaders accountable and unfortunately said 'put them against the wall'. 

That’s Swenglish: “att ställa någon mot väggen” (to put someone against the wall) means to hold someone accountable," she said. "That’s what happens when you improvise speeches in a second language."

Greta went on to correct the record and say what she meant was "I will hold my breath until you evil rat bastards capitulate to my demands. Failure to do so will result in my demise as well as mother Earth and you will burn in HELL! Understand!!??"

Greta took no questions as she then excused herself to rush to meet her reservations for a first class, climate controlled private compartment on mass transit powered by fossil fuel produced electricity and continue her 'How Dare You' tour.

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Friday, May 31, 2019

Trump Derangement Syndrome Vaccine Now Available


Want to Yank the Chain of a Friend or Family Member with TDS?
Send Them a Loving Gift of TDS Vaccine.
No Prescription Necessary. UPS Delivery. You Can Order Here.

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Saturday, May 11, 2019

Jeff Bezos Addresses Rumors of POTUS Aspirations

MFNS Jeff Bezos, the creepy looking Amazon founder and CEO,  held a hastily called press conference in front of the 100-foot polished brass plated blast-proof doors guarding the entrance to his underground headquarters at the base of Mount Rainier. He called reporters together to address recent rumors and make clear that he has “No illusion or aspiration for the office of president of the United States.” Reporters in attendance struggled to hear Bezos over the din of endless dodecacopter drones whisking heavy machinery into the subterranean factory/AI hive/research facility.

Bezos explained that a step down from his current position to the office of POTUS would be a mistake on par with “having a Facebook account in this day and age,” but left open the idea of a lateral move. 
“I would certainly entertain taking a position of comparable importance and meaning… something along the lines of Prime Minister of Earth.”
When asked if he meant “earn” or “seek” such a position, Bezos answered in his normal, matter of factly manner,
No, I said take the position. That’s what I meant.” 
Bezos, who some quietly whisper is not of this earth, recently claimed the title of Richest Man on the Planet, which press kits point out is actually “Richest being in the solar system, and known universe.” And since his acquisition of Whole Foods Co. and the Washington Post Inc., Bezos has made major inroads into future control of the worlds food supply as well as the dissemination of truth and information.

When asked by REDACTED, correspondent for REDACTED, if the recent unveiling of his cardboard Blue Moon Lander was “just some dumb Amazon dot com publicity stunt,” REDACTED was quickly whisked away by Amazon robotic security and disappeared, and any trace of him erased from history. To confirm this, we searched online archives for any mention of REDACTED or his work at REDACTED and found no results.

The wealthiest creature in the Galaxy has more important things to do besides being your President, like sucking the precious bodily fluid outa the Moon.

Sunday, January 6, 2019

Scientists Report Society Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans

JTP Hogsdon and His Nondiverse USWCM Social Media Research Team

A Middle Finger News Service Exclusive:

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports. The appearance of the phenomenon is being called "Cortex Neurophy Numbosis" or CNN for short - but not to be confused with typical Liberal Brain Shrivel. 

The research, conducted  Dr. JTP Hogsdon  and his team at the University of Southern West Central Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them. More worryingly, Hogsdon told us, as facts have multiplied, their defenses against those facts have only grown more powerful.  The normal functions of human consciousness have been completely nullified.
"What we find most puzzling are the strain of fact-resistant humans that seem to deny that aiming a gun at a law enforcement officer is not going to end well, strapping a bomb to themselves does not advance the religion of peace, and most puzzling to us in our findings, why people continue to vote Democrat?" 
While scientists have no clear understanding of the mechanisms that prevent the fact-resistant humans from absorbing data, they theorize that the strain may have developed the ability to intercept and discard information en route from the auditory nerve to the brain. 

While reaffirming the gloomy assessments of the study, Hogsdon held out hope that the threat of fact-resistant humans could be mitigated in the future. “Our research is very preliminary, but it's possible that they will become more receptive to facts once they are in an environment without food, water, or oxygen,” he said.

~Thank You Hot Coffee@Rumor Mill News for the Linkage!~

Friday, November 9, 2018

The Queen of All America: A Memoir

Middle Finger News Book Review

Former first lady Michelle Obama has chosen to bless us with her first book post-White House,  a memoir titled “Becoming” that is set to hit the store shelves Tuesday. It follows Obama’s journey from the South Side of Chicago to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Middle Finger News was able to steal attain an advance readers copy of the 426-page book and undertook the arduous task of reading it so you don't have to. We even mustered enough enthusiasm to write a review for you, because we're just that kinda people.......

Even though she resides in the top .001% of wealth, power and celebrity, Ms. Obama never lets us forget the deep personal pain of growing up in a middle-class, two-parent household and receiving one of the finest educations the world can offer. She gives the reader the impression she's felt most of her life people saw her a large unattractive woman, because so many address her "Sir".

The most interesting parts of the generally boring ramblings were about the Fame and Fortune of White House Years, when America dressed her in the finest, and kissed her feet as their Queen Mrs. Obama tells of her overwhelming feeling of apprehension to take all those wonderful royal, incredibly luxurious, taxpayer-paid vacations, vacations sometime under the guise of education, that along with moms Robinson and daughters Sushi and Malaria, cost the us millions of dollars. But, because she is was elected queen of all America, she considers that cost her just due. She bravely confesses to us her mother being “a little bit” wary about her effeminate future son-in-law being part cracker, a product of a white mom and black dad. But she tells us that apprehension was finally wiped away while kicked back collecting a pension and living in her own apartment with antique four-poster bed and sitting area on the third floor of the White House, living large at the taxpayer expense. 

The most touching parts of Mrs. Obamas memoirs tells us one of her warmest memories as First Lady was while a lengthy taxpayer funded vacation in Europe she was honored by the city of Milan and Italian Government with a sculpture done in her honor, 'The Grosso Culo', capturing in stone the very essence of America's First lady. Mrs. Obama also devotes a chapter of thoughts on her devoted love of Charity work and another on memories of her many requested Television appearances, and a non-blockbuster movie of her budding bromance with a young Barack.

All in all, The Prestigious Middle Finger Book Review gives  Michelle Obama's Memoir "Becoming" 2 of 7 Stars. It's printed on really nice quality paper and is quite hefty for it's size, so if you happen to receive a copy as a gift this holiday season, it will make an excellent doorstop and the cover image should help keep rodents at bay. ~T.M.

Tugs McWilson is Middle Finger News Senior Book Review Editor. Tugs is a father of 9 (that he knows of) and holds a degree in recycling from the California School of Sanitation. A retired manager of Minute Oil Change, Tugs is an avid reader, or at least that's what we've been told. 

                          MJA@IOTWReport for the Linkage!

Monday, August 13, 2018

It Ain't Mount Rushmore, But it Seems Appropriate...

National Park Service Dedicates National Monument Near Mount Rushmore 
to the 44th President Barack H. Obama

Thank You WhatFinger News & GOP Briefing Room for the Linkage!

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Historic City to Change Name in Response to LGBTQ Protest

Middle Finger News Exclusive
D.F. Krause Reporting

Detroit Bends Over to Gay Protest of Homophobic City Name  

I guess this was inevitable. It was only a matter of time before the LGBTQYXZ social justice warriors figured out that Detroit was French for “of the straits,” and even though “strait” in no way means the same thing as “straight,” who cares? Things that come alive on the Twitter make as much sense as an episode of Will & Grace, and don’t ask me to explain any of those. It’s 2018 and SJWs get results quickly:

The City Council met in an emergency session just hours after Mayor Duggan’s apologetic tweet, and voted unanimously to change the city’s name to 'D’efféminé.

Everything changes now. Well, not the Lions sucking at football. But most everything. D’efféminé will still make cars, but no more of those gas-guzzling pickups. We’ve done enough feeding of all that machismo in Warren. Suburban Ferndale is concerned about losing its residents, but that’s a topic for another day.
Vive l’apostrophé!

At least it still starts with a D. The locals won’t have to get rid of those weird English letters on their hats. But now that they have to get used to D’efféminé, Michigan. I wonder if they don’t need to update their headwear to reflect the more properly sensitive.... sensibilities with which the letter represents the city.

There were a few people who objected to the change. They called themselves "Don’t Take Our Troit", or DTOT for short.

They argued that: a) “of the straits” has nothing to do with heterosexuality, and isn’t even spelled the same; b) this is really, really stupid; and c) all those Canadians across the river are laughing their little dandy canuk asses off. The group spoke to WXYZ-TV to express its objections. The response to DTOT came swiftly in the form of a joint statement from General Motors, Ford, Chrysler, Blue Cross Blue Shield, the UAW and Mitch Albom. It said:
“We denounce in the strongest terms the bigotry and hatred of DTOT, which we can’t help but note could also stand for 'Donald Trump Our Thicky'. 
The D’efféminé community must come together and oppose all forms of hatred and intolerance, and if that requires members of DTOT to be thrown from the Ambassador Bridge, tolerance must be protected at all costs.”
On Friday night, the D’efféminé Tigers will host the Cleveland Indigenous Peoples for the first of a three-game series. We could not confirm at press time that Kid Rock will be sitting alongside Chief Wahoo at the game, but things happen quickly in D’efféminé, Michigan.

* Middle Finger News Service is a registered subsidiary of Diogenes' Middle Finger Inc. Ltd. RCC, RSVP, POD. Not to be confused with uppity, poorly done imitation fake news purveyors like CNN and MSNBC.  Middle Finger News brings you only the best and most honest REAL Fake News. We Stay Over The Target.  Accept No Imitations.  "Unamerican and Uncosmopolitan, Despicable Hooligans"....... John Kerry

Monday, February 12, 2018

PoonChang Olympic Update

BULLETIN- 2/12:  Despite Kim Jong Un's Ugly Sister Yo grabbing the American Media's full praise and filling their drool cups to the brim for giving VP Mike Pence the Stink Eye at the opening ceremonies, and the fact Global Warming has delayed many of the scheduled outside events due to  cold and windy conditions, this weekends real action and news took place inside on the IceHere are just a few highlights from this weekend:
The flamboyant Mike Pence hating gay Ice Skater, Adam Rippon, got his panties in a twist for only placing 3rd in his portion of the team competition Sunday. So good was he, his Rump Ranger commentator friend Johnnie Weir said, “Had me quaking.”  Note to Adam: Don't act more effeminate than the female skaters on the team and stop dressing like Nancy Kerrigan.....then maybe you will impress the judges, just sayin..... 

In the women's portion of the team skating event, the sole female member of the Palestinian National Ice Team, Hadia Mohammad Tashid, shown here after her failed attempt at the first ever "Quaduple axel-backflip-triple toe loop reverse spin salchow" in ice skating competition, just after she lost her place on the ice when her Hijab slipped down over her face. The Palestinian team finish 26th, just edging out the team from Somalia.

In one of the biggest upsets of the night, the Canadians swept the Skateless Ice Dancing Pairs competition after the odds on favored World Champion Team from Spain, seen here executing their signature "Barcelona Butt Spin", scored low on style points after making uncharacteristic mistakes. 

Although he is barred by governments from entering almost every country on the the Asian Continent, MFNS Ace Correspondent, Earl Of Taint ,has managed to sneak into South Korea to give us his first-person report from the PoonChang Olympic Games. 
Earl sent along a this excellent report complete with pictures of this weekends skating competition.

Shown here is the creepy NORK Cheer Squad cheering North Korean No Phuc Du during 5000 meter Speed Skating Team elimination finals.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Robert Mueller Appoints Special Prosecutor To Investigate Robert Mueller's Conflicts Of Interest

Middle Finger News Service -  Among calls of foul by the president and some on the right of the Robert Mueller investigation's ties and shady practices, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has appointed himself Special Prosecutor to investigate Robert Muellar's suspected Conflicts Of Interest. This shocking news should put to rest all the rumors that Donald Trump would fire Mueller or that Mueller would be forced to resign.

By appointing himself to investigate himself, Robert Mueller has quelled with finality all the calls to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the high level corruption at the Department of Justice, F.I.B F.B.I., and the conflicts of interest by so many at the Special Counsel’s Office as well as questions of conflict swirling around the massive investigation of President Donald J. Trump, at public expense,  by Robert Mueller.

The nearly constant reports of Trump hating leadership at the DOJ/FBI blocking an indictment of Hillary Clinton thereby committing the crime of obstruction of justice due to their political preferences, Trump hating conspiracies at the highest levels of the Justice Department and F.I.B. F.B.I. with intent to frame and remove a duly elected president, evidence of text messages in furtherance of the coup plots among the coup plotters, questions of a vast army of prosecutors hired by Robert Mueller most of whom donated vast amounts of funds to Barack Obama and/or Hillary Clinton and/or the DNC/leftists, questions born of the facts that spouses of prosecutors received money from Hillary Clinton supporters during political campaigns of one spouse and yet another spouse who worked for Fusion GPS on dirt dossiers directed against President Trump, a dirty dossier comprised of Russian government disinformation bought and paid for by the Hillary Clinton campaign then suspected of being used to obtain FISA warrants with which to spy on the presidential campaign of Donald J. Trump, clear violations of Fourth Amendment protections during the transition period for a President-Elect team that used government servers to communicate among themselves when making appointments and legal decisions, are now a completely closed matter with the appointment by Robert Mueller of Robert Mueller to investigate Robert Mueller. 

The wise move by Special Counsel Robert Mueller to investigate Robert Mueller should put an end to all the conspiracy theories about any possible conflicts of interest by Robert Mueller. The investigation of Robert Mueller should end with a final report around 2024 or after the impeachment of President Michael Pence, whichever comes first.  

Thank You MJA for the Linkage!

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Terror Comes to My Little Corner of the World

Initially Reported As A Terrorist Attack

No one is 100% safe. Terror can strike anywhere, when you least expect it just as it did here where I live on an autumn afternoon in peaceful North Louisiana this weekend.  Fortunately for me, I was in far away Tiger Stadium enjoying LSU brutalize the Texas Aggies and didn't have to personally witness the unthinkable act of despicable humanity visited upon some of my fellow citizens.  You can Read The News Account HERE.