Test Raise e-reader Health Concerns

Middle Finger New Service - The battle for consumers of the popular 7 inch e-reader/tablet market heated up again today when book giant Barnes and Noble announced  the results of independent bench tests of their major competitor, the Amazon 'Kindle Fire'. A spokesperson for B&N told us the Kindle fire, a poorly designed knock-off of their own e-reader the 'Nook', has not only been panned by the tech media as being slow and buggy, but their own extensive user test results show the Kindle Fire also causes Butt Cancer.

Amazon, who introduced the Kindle Fire earlier the month called the rumor poppycock, but said they too had been conducting test on B&N's top of the line 'Nook' and were to announce tomorrow  they found with continuing use, the Nook indeed caused "impotence in men" and "mutations in children". A B&N spokesperson said "Bullshit!"

This follows stories in tech circles of late about many complaints by Apple iPad users of incidences of falling arches, incontinence and bad breath.

Professor of English Literature, Emo T. Rinker PHD of Dalesdale University told Middle Finger News "this whole electronic book trend is disturbing and the work of the devil's own hand. The worst that could happen with a traditional printed book is a paper cut or a flat ass from sitting to long."

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Romney Refuses Debate Challenge

Says No! to Linden Borden's Offer for Debate

Middle Finger News - After once again being shut out of the Republican Presidential debates Sunday, up and coming candidate Linden Borden challenged Mitt Romney to a series of one on one  Lincoln–Douglas style debates on Borden's own turf, the frozen shores of Lake Superior. 

At a press conference Sunday when asked about the matter, Romney immediately said no to Borden and told Middle Finger News "Who is this crazy boat builder from Minnesota anyway? I'll bet you $10,000 he doesn't know his ass from the Department of Energy!"

Fox News Liberal commentator, Bob Beckel told us ignoring Borden could be a mistake. "When I look at this piss poor field of Republican Candidates, Borden is ...burp...a standout to me. This guy is dangerous to the front runners. His strategy is to take them out one at a time and Mitt is his target for the moment." Beckel continued "Besides, with a good size ax I've seen this guy power through a California Redwood like it was butter....burp..."

When contacted today, The Romney camp refused any futher comment on the matter other than saying they have prior commitments that would stand in the way of debate dates.

In an unrelated story, police were called to the Romney home early this morning after they found ever single tree on the Romney Family Estate in Massachusetts had been cut down and hauled off during the night. 
Story Developing......   

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How to Get Your Wanted Polling Results: Democrat Style

Middle Finger News Service - Whether or not to raise the debt ceiling is one of the more furious debates going on in government these days. Much to the chagrin of Liberal Democrats, the nation at is mostly against raising the ceiling.   Currently a $14 trillion line of credit that is about to be surpassed, being a blank check written by Congress to the federal government for unchecked spending and "we know what's best for you social engineering".

The Middle Finger Polling Firm conducted telephone surveys with 1,500 registered voters from across the country asking" Are you in favor of Congress raising the U.S. debt ceiling?" There is a margin of error of +/- 6%.

The Middle Finger pollsters could only find wide spread support for raising the debt ceiling by using the Democrat polling methods and phrasing the question thusly:

 Analysis: Our poll shows 82% of voters polled agree that the debt ceiling should be raised. So, we find when polling on important issues of the day you find you cannot get people to agree with your desired results, use the Democrat polling methods. You might find that common Americans may just disagree, except in cases where doing so would lead to unwanted sex acts with a creature of the night.

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Obama Whines Like Little Girl to Women's Group: Those Republican Meanies...

Somebody Pass me a Tissue.

WASHINGTON (AP) - An aggressive President Barack Obama declared Wednesday that congressional Republicans are more interested in dividing the country than in strengthening the economy and accused them of working to overturn advances achieved during his presidency.
"They're more focused on turning back the clock," he told a prominent women's legal group. The president's criticism reiterated complaints about Republican opposition to his jobs bill and the health care law he shepherded through last year.

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[snip]

Excuse me, Mr. President.... the Republicans are dividing the country? Let's just take a look, shall we? ......are they stirring up class warfare in public while taking wealthy donor's money in private......don't think so, how about playing the same ol' worn out race card every time they find themselves in a losing position....nope, don't believe. Are their toadies in the media working overtime running a propaganda and smear machine that would have made Joseph Goebbels blush? Not to my knowledge. Are they talking out of both sides of their mouths, coddling the elitist crowd on one side and criticizing their wealth to the 'gimme my entitlement' bunch on the other? I think the average working Joe sees right through that. 

And about overturning the advances of your administration? 
Which advances? Oh, you must mean turning the military into another successful liberal social experiment? Or maybe you meant your policies that continue to increase job growth and keep employment from rising above 10% while planning to punish the productive people in society......forgot about that one. Or maybe you meant they want to cut the massive spending that has spurred so much growth in the economy so millions more people don't lose their homes?  Oh, Oh, maybe you meant your guys selling guns to gangster drug dealers in Mexico so as to follow the dead bodies back to the point of distribution. That was genius, pure genius.

And there's the health care bill, the one a bunch of lawyers in congress wrote for you that contains those hidden taxes and is somehow going to cover millions more people for less money, yeah I'm pretty sure they're going after that one for sure. And I'd bet they really don't understand why heads of foreign powers admire your strength as such a powerful and effective world leader.

I know you have a hard job, it must be tough getting things done in between golf rounds, but I have confidence that that 'Hope and Changy' thing will kick in any day now. 

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Conspiracy Theorists Believe the Government is Still Hiding Information About Extraterrestrial Life

"More than 17,000 Americans demand that the Goverment tell the nation exactly what it knows about aliens— and the administration obliges........" The Week Magazine

It's not every day that government officals talk about E.T. But in a recent post on the Official White House website, a high-ranking official in the president's Office of Science & Technology Policy took the time to respond to a burning question from UFO conspiracy theorists. Here's what happened:
The White House has a petition site called "We the People" that allows users to pose questions. If a petition gets enough signatures, it is reviewed by the White House staff and receives an official response. And two petitions, signed by a total of more than 17,000 people, demanded that the government come clean if it was hiding knowledge of extraterrestrial life. The petitioners wrote: "The people have a right to know. The people can handle the truth."

What did the White House say? "Thank you for  signing the petition and asking the Obama administration to acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence here on Earth," the White House's Phil Larson cordially replied. "The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race." And, perhaps to the dismay of conspiracy theorists, Larson stated: "In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public's eye."

And that's all there is to it? Well, not exactly. At least one conspiracy theorist unsatisfied with the White House's response is still "sure" that "there are many secret government programs that the president doesn't know exist," says Melissa Bell at The Washington Post. And Larson did leave the possibility of alien life open for debate, admitting that "among the trillions and trillions of stars," the odds are "pretty high" that a planet like our own may support life, says Britain's Daily Mail.

But because the distance between planets is so vast, the likelihood of contact with actual extraterrestrials is still "extremely small."

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CNN Anchor Issues Apology to Listeners

Wolf Blitzer

Middle Finger News Service - CNN Situation Room anchor Wolf Blitzer made a major error on his weekend broadcast, mistakenly devoting three whole minutes of airtime to covering the campaign of Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX).

Though Blitzer apologized, CNN suspended the anchor without pay for the duration of the election season as a penalty for covering the  second tier libertarian congressman's long-shot presidential bid. Blitzer began the broadcast focusing on the soft support for top-tier candidates Mitt Romney and Rick Perry when he suggested, unfathomably, that some Republican voters might be giving Ron Paul a second look.

"The show was humming along until Wolfie cut away to some Ron Paul campaign footage," explained CNN contributor and guest on Blitzer's weekend edition, Mary Matalin. "It could've been a mistake, but he just kept talking about Ron Paul and then asked me if I thought Paul had a shot in New Hampshire. I almost threw up in my mouth."

Blitzer's director cut to commercial break during the segment. When the show returned, a visibly shaken Blitzer apologized to his audience for, "Wasting your time and mine with the foolish pipe dream of a viable Ron Paul candidacy." The mea culpa was not enough for Blitzer's employer, CNN.

"We at CNN are committed to covering serious news and serious candidates for president," explained network spokesperson Vicki Carlyle. "The mere fact that Wolf would mention Ron Paul in the same breath as pizza man, Herman Cain and reviled ex-Speaker, Newt Gingrich is troubling, to say the least." Blitzer wrapped the segment with footage of genuinely serious presidential candidate Rick Santorum at an Iowa Super Target produce department, equating gay marriage with picking fruit in front of an enthusiastic crowd of three.

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President Recommends Slacks for Slackers

Middle Finger News Service - President Obama is urging anyone seeking the many jobs he's  created, to ditch the unemployed look and dress for success if they really want a spot back among the American working class elite.  

Last night, Obama told supporters who paid exorbitant sums of money for a mediocre chicken dinner and to hear him try to speak:

"Listen, people, I'm creating the jobs out there - if you really want back into the American work force, you need to trade in those lounge pants for a pair of slacks and show the rest of us you really want it. This isn't class warfare, this is just some friendly advice from a wealthy employed American to 9.1% of the country."

Obama's non-campaign/campaign bus trip comes as his $447 billion jobs bill remains stuck in the Senate two weeks after introducing it because Senate Democrats "hadn't gotten around to it" yet. Senate Majority Leader "Dingy Harry" Reid (D-NV) acknowledged the delay, saying he and the others had been "a little sidetracked" watching Ken Burn's "Prohibition" series on PBS. 

 "You never know when a future employer could be in the 12 Items Or Less line in front of you at Wal-Mart. You just  never know. I'm not saying you need to be all dolled up when you're filing for your third unemployment extension, but those ratty sweats you're wearing, they were made by offshore workers - dressed in slacks. I think you catch my drift."

Obama has also found himself in a deadlock with congressional Republicans who think the government should let the unemployed dress how they want since they have so little else to hold onto. However, the president says it's this exact mentality that has led to the fashion crisis in Europe and the widespread acceptance of large men in tiny speedos.

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Keith Olbermann's Ratings Headed for the Dumpster

NYDN - Keith Olbermann’s “Countdown” has experienced quite a comedown since leaving MSNBC.

After debuting to promising ratings on the Current cable network in late June, Olbermann’s political commentary show posted its lowest numbers yet the week of Sept 5–11. Nielsen figures provided by industry sources also show that, based on weekly averages of the program's performance on Current, "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" has never done better than its debut week on Al Gore's hard-to-find cable network. (It did come close on Aug. 30, racking up 310,000 total viewers; 102,000 of them adults 25-54.)

Current says the low September "Countdown" numbers could be attributed to a number of factors: A repeat episode ran on Labor Day, and in late August, Olbermann - who's reportedly making $10 million a year at Current - was away for five days due to back problems. 

Personally, I think the fault of bad ratings could just
be the choice of Keith's on- air wardrobe .......  

image source: Al Gore's Private Collection  

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Picture of the Week.

Joe Biden. The Gift That Keeps on Giving. 

 

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Nancy Pelosi Joins New Rolling Stones Lineup

Well known for her vocal prowess, today guitarist Keith Richards welcomed Nancy Pelosi to the Rolling Stones lineup just in time for the Stones "Old and Filthy Rich" world tour. The former Speaker of the House told reporters at a press conference she missed the cameras and bright lights, and that she could show Mick Jagger a thing or two about shaking an ass.  Tickets for the world tour are said to start at $250.00.

Pelosi and Keith Richards

Image via: iOwnTheWorld 

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Proposed Law Rattles Washington's Elite

A Washington D.C. think-tank today proposed a controversial  new law named, 'No Politician Left Behind', which would pay congressmen and the President solely on the basis of performance. 

 Predictably, the idea of merit pay drew howls of protest from mostly Democrat party lawmakers, many claiming that if the law was pasted and enacted it would result in their financial ruin. Appearances on Sunday morning talk shows, flying around on government planes or blowing smoke up the taxpayers ass on C-Span will not be considered as real work. 
 
The law, which was proposed by the Bo Bo Braniganskie Institute of Government Policy, “would make a serious dent in the Federal spending because few if any politicians would ever have to be paid,” said the Institutes director, Davis David. “Right now, the President or Congressman  can get paid even when they storm out of budget negotiations in a hissy fit. Under this new law, the rule would be, no budget, no paycheck.”

“If passed, this law would be tantamount to the establishment of ‘Work Panels,’ which would determine whether individual congressmen are accomplishing anything,” said Sen. Al Frankin (D.-Minn). “I  for one, would be in deep, deep shit.”

“I’m fairly sure that this law is unconstitutional,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “Now, I have never actually read the Constitution, but if this law were passed I would probably be forced to read it or live in a cardboard box  like my constituents.”

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Cal.) said that creating performance standards for lawmakers was “an insult to the institution of Congress.”

“We have spent millions of dollars, some of it out of our own pockets, to get to Washington,” she said. “We did not come here to be treated like F**kin teachers!” 

Joe Biden was unavailable for comment. 

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Casey Anthony to Run for Public Office??

There has been much speculation by insiders in Casey Anthony’s defense attorney’s office that after her “Not Guilty” verdict she may have been courted by Democrat political operatives to run for public office. According to analysts, she has everything it takes to be a successful member of any democrat caucus; she is skilled at deception and she lives in a fantasy world. 

With those credentials and unparalleled name recognition, Anthony may be contemplating her intention to run for public office sometime in the near future. Democratic strategist Paul Begala believes she is probably a liberal. “She led government authorities on one wild goose chase after another, and as a result she wasted hundreds of thousands in taxpayer dollars, not to mention she’s the best liar I’ve seen since Bill Clinton. I really do suspect she’s one of us.”

No matter which party she chooses to represent, CNN analyst David Gergen believes Anthony will immediately fit into Washington. “This is a person who excels at deflecting blame, puts her own self-interest ahead of future generations, and tends to publicly flaunt her body at the most inappropriate times. On top of that, she fills a vacancy in Washington right now. Her name is Anthony and she’s the female equivalent of a wiener.” 

Thanks to her three-year incarceration, Gergen also implied the 25-year-old is already well-connected in the Florida government system, and possibly higher: “While she doesn't have the President's ear, she does have the President's ears.”


To Republican pollster Evan McNeal, it all comes down to having the right temperament for the job. “Philosophically, a politician should serve the lowest in society while acting as a restraint on its highest powers, and think Casey already does this. She serves the lowest in society – herself – while impeding the highest power – Nancy Grace.”

However, some Florida residents, still angry over the verdict in which she was cleared of murder charges, argued that Anthony is unfit to run. “She had shady friends, a fake job — everything about her is fake,” said Orlando dental hygienist Mika Poocie . “So how does that make her qualified to be… oh, right.”

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Bo and Joe Set to Hit the Silver Screen

The Ultimate SARAH PALIN is a MORON video

H/T Mr.Pinko @iOwnTheWorld

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Pelosi Jumps on Weiner....Demands Probing

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) announced that she was calling for a House ethics committee probe into whether government resources had been mishandled.

“I am calling for an Ethics Committee investigation to determine whether any official resources were used or any other violation of House rules occurred.”

[..snip..]

I refuse to make jokes about such serious matters as this.

No, not me.

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Bin Laden Videos Leaked

As I reported earlier about Government leaks of Osama Bid Laden computer information  and stories of a porn video stash, today inside sources leaked several videos captured in the raid on the Bin Laden compound, including a tape of the late terrorist leader watching DVDs of canceled UPN series, Moesha. According to English  translations provided with the tapes, Bin Laden asks someone off-screen why Moesha, played by Brandy Norwood, doesn't have numerous children as she appears to be 'fertile as the river Nile.' 

The series which ran from 1996 to 2001 was apparently a Bin Laden favorite along with the MSNBC prime time lineup. Bin Laden believed MSNBC was actually an Al Jazeera news parody program like the Daily Show where actors mocked and criticized former President Bush for several hours a night. Bin Laden is heard to say in one tape he actual thought that Ed Schultz's head was going to explode like a car full of suicide bombers.
 

But the strangest tape showed Bin Laden arguing with a camera operator as they seemed to be attempting to film an infomercial for something called The Beard Club for Men. Bin Laden holds up an unlabeled plastic tube filled of liquid. The camera operator complains that without a label the liquid, thought to be a beard thickener, won't 'read.' Bin Laden is seen arguing they need the close up for a split screen image. They'll show both the liquid and Osama sporting a rich luxuriant beard fluttering like a flag. Bin Laden explains he'll then voice over, 'I'm not just the Beard Club president, but I'm also a client by the will of Allah, may the prophet be praised. Now shoot it the way I want or you're scorpion meat.'
 

Other tapes consist of short vignettes including one of Bin Laden laughing maniacally while playing a joke on a guard by putting goat turds in his boots. 

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 Image: Mad,Mad World

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In Honor of Kate and William

 Originally Posted on  November 30,2010

 by Diogenes' Sarcastica

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The Future Queen of England Looking Forward

to Descending into Royal Lunacy

“She shall be one of us,”- Prince William 
  

(Across the Pond)  In the first interview since her engagement to Prince William, presumptive Queen Consort Kate Middleton said she looks forward to becoming a full-fledged member of the British royal family by going insane. To that end, the future Princess of Wales said she was grateful that family assistance was close at hand. “I’ve got my new brother-in-law Harry, who dresses like a Nazi, I’ve got my father-in-law, Prince Charles, who collects toilet seats and Prince Philip and Princess Michael have been teaching me how to make royal farting noises then laugh eerily about it.”

Although the wedding announcement came last week, the two were engaged in October while on holiday. Sitting side by side, Kate and William recalled the moment fondly.
“It was quite romantic,” she said. “We were in Africa, and he pulled out this gigantic ring and said, "Kate, marry me and I’ll make you the craziest woman in the world. 
It was a magical moment." William said he immediately called Gran (Queen Elizabeth) to tell her, but she was taking a bubble bath with the Yorkies.”

 Although part of the House of Windsor, Kate said it was important that she be her own nutter.  “I want to take my time, maybe study what some of my new ancestors did. I mean, Henry VIII beheaded his wives. The first Elizabeth apparently slept with a horse." 

“That's never proven,” William loving interrupted.

“Yes, but look at Charles’ wife, Camilla. Your family is obviously attracted to them" katie was heard to whisper.


Now matter what path to bedlam she takes, however, Palace observers say Kate will have to contend with the elephant in the rubber room: Princess Diana. Will Kate become the new  "People's Psychotic Princess”?

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 Elizabeth ll
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The “I’m In” Campaign.........

Obama 2012 Strategy Briefing 

    

 

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PBS to Try Capitalist Experiment.

New York - The Public Broadcasting System (PBS) will announce on Monday that it will launch a new, for-profit cable television network in 2012. A Public Broadcasting spokesperson said that the new venture, the  TNA Network, will be devoted to women's beach volleyball, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. "If this venture goes as planned, we will never, never, NEVER have to hold another lame-ass fund-raiser for public television in this nation again!"

I think they may be on to something here! 

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Great Moments in History #21

Ms. Swanson went on to be an unprecedented 10 time winner.  
She also pursued a movie career in her in her spare time.  
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