You Knew it Would Happen Eventually

Posted by Diogenes Scarcastica
Dec.18th, 2010

Facebook Surpasses Masturbation

PALO ALTO, CAL.(SatireWire) - In yet another sign of its growing dominance, Facebook today announced it has surpassed masturbation as the world’s most popular way to kill 10 minutes. In response, Twitter claimed it has surpassed premature ejaculation as the most disappointing way to spend 5 seconds.

 “While our goals are the same, if you look at the numbers, our users spend more time on our service than most people spend on their own… service,” LaBrega said. “Of course we have 99 percent up-time, which masturbation can’t match.”

The news coincides with the naming of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg as Time magazine’s “Person of the Year.” LaBrega called the timing a coincidence, but industry observers speculate it may be part of Facebook’s long-rumored goal of supplanting masturbation itself as the ultimate distraction.“First there’s the Time cover, the way you can only see Zuckerberg’s face, not his hands, and he’s just staring off into space,” said TechCrunch editor Nelson Schable. “I think we all know that look. Or we’re lying if we say we don’t.”

Then there is the onanistic terminology Facebook uses, Schable continued. “Some of it’s obvious, like how you can ‘tag yourself’ in photos, or ‘post your news on the wall.’ And look at Farmville, at some of the ribbons you try to win. I mean, ‘Knock on Wood?’ ‘Cream of the Crop?’ ‘Lord of the Plow?’
 
LaBrega insisted that Facebook does not claim to be an alternative to masturbation, although she did concede that staring at your computer all day can make you go blind.

In another response to Facebook’s claim, business networking site LinkedIn refused to make any  comparisons, but noted its CEO is named Jeff Weiner.

SatireWire.com 

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Just When You Thought They Couldn't Get Any Crazier....Along Comes Frederica

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
 Dec 16, 2010

Congressional Black Caucus 
Adds a Brand New Lunatic

  
In all the excitement of the Republicans recent election of a majority in the House, this news item has been overlooked. Just when you thought the Congressional Black Caucus had its full quota of lunatics, along comes flamboyant newly-elected Florida Rep. Frederica Wilson.

Wilson’s first goal will be to overturn a rule that blocks her from wearing a hat on the House floor. The freshman Democrat is going to press incoming House Speaker John Boehner to overturn the rule, which dates back to the 1800s, or at least to make an exception for her.   It’s unclear whether Boehner, who  will likely have plenty of priorities ahead of a rule-change request from a member of the opposition party, could do anything shy of a full floor vote to overturn the House’s hat ban. Wilson doesn’t own just a hat or two. By her count, the former Florida state House member owns at least 300 different hats, including custom-made sequined cowboy hats in virtually every color of the rainbow. Her hat collection is so massive, it takes up an entire room of her house, according to the Miami New Times. “I’ve been wearing them almost 30 years. It’s like a fetish.”

  

Its nice to see that Wilson has her priorities straight and that her first order of business will be taking care of her fetish. Wilson will undoubtedly be warmly welcomed to the CBC by fellow lunatics   Sanford Bishop, Keith Ellison, Chaka Fattah, Alcee Hastings, Eddie Bernice Johnson, Hank Johnson, Barbara Lee, Sheila Jackson Lee and Maxine Waters.

She ought to fit right in. 

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You Can Blame This on the Cruelty and Short-sightedness of Republicans.

 Denver Voters Reject Plans for 

Extraterrestrial Welcoming Committee.

Tuesday, Denver voters decided not to roll out the red carpet for space aliens by soundly rejecting a ballot initiative that would have required the city to establish an “Extra Terrestrial Affairs Committee.”
Ballot Initiative 300 would require the city to set up an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission, stocked with Ph.D. scientists, to "ensure the health, safety and cultural awareness of Denver residents" when it comes to future contact "with extraterrestrial intelligent beings.”

Promoting the initiative was Jeff Peckman, a silver-haired entrepreneur who lives with his parents. "Low overhead," explains Mr. Peckman, a firm believer in intergalactic life, although he has never been personally contacted by an alien. That gives him more credibility; he says “it’s harder to dismiss him as biased”.

Even before the results came in, UFO buff Peckman, who ran the campaign for Initiative 300, was philosophical about the voters’ verdict on his plan for the city to study reports of UFOs and develop protocols for welcoming aliens to the Mile High City. Recognizing that ET contact protocols aren't foremost in the minds of voters these days, Mr. Peckman had to  refined his pitch on Initiative 300. These days, he promotes it as a jobs bill.

“It took, what, 18 years for health-care reform to happen,” Mr. Peckham said. “And how many years for women to get the vote? So some big things take a while to get going.”

Bryan Bonner, a ghost hunter and founder of the group Rocky Mountain Paranormal Nuts, asserts that "Peckman and his 'little green people' are not representative of the people of Denver." 

"Little green people," Mr. Peckman responds  with outrage, is a "racial slur."


So if aliens land in Denver, they will have to do so without government help.   

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Having spent a lot of time in the Great State of Colorado and the city of Denver, I'm pretty sure any paranormal activity in the skies up there is likely to be flatulence and hot air rising from the People's Republic of Boulder.  D.S.

h/t The City Square  

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