Saturday, December 18, 2010

You Knew it Would Happen Eventually

Posted by Diogenes Scarcastica
Dec.18th, 2010

Facebook Surpasses Masturbation

PALO ALTO, CAL.(SatireWire) - In yet another sign of its growing dominance, Facebook today announced it has surpassed masturbation as the world’s most popular way to kill 10 minutes. In response, Twitter claimed it has surpassed premature ejaculation as the most disappointing way to spend 5 seconds.

 “While our goals are the same, if you look at the numbers, our users spend more time on our service than most people spend on their own… service,” LaBrega said. “Of course we have 99 percent up-time, which masturbation can’t match.”

The news coincides with the naming of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg as Time magazine’s “Person of the Year.” LaBrega called the timing a coincidence, but industry observers speculate it may be part of Facebook’s long-rumored goal of supplanting masturbation itself as the ultimate distraction.“First there’s the Time cover, the way you can only see Zuckerberg’s face, not his hands, and he’s just staring off into space,” said TechCrunch editor Nelson Schable. “I think we all know that look. Or we’re lying if we say we don’t.”

Then there is the onanistic terminology Facebook uses, Schable continued. “Some of it’s obvious, like how you can ‘tag yourself’ in photos, or ‘post your news on the wall.’ And look at Farmville, at some of the ribbons you try to win. I mean, ‘Knock on Wood?’ ‘Cream of the Crop?’ ‘Lord of the Plow?’
 
LaBrega insisted that Facebook does not claim to be an alternative to masturbation, although she did concede that staring at your computer all day can make you go blind.

In another response to Facebook’s claim, business networking site LinkedIn refused to make any  comparisons, but noted its CEO is named Jeff Weiner.

SatireWire.com 

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Thursday, December 16, 2010

Just When You Thought They Couldn't Get Any Crazier....Along Comes Frederica

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
 Dec 16, 2010

Congressional Black Caucus 
Adds a Brand New Lunatic
  
In all the excitement of the Republicans recent election of a majority in the House, this news item has been overlooked. Just when you thought the Congressional Black Caucus had its full quota of lunatics, along comes flamboyant newly-elected Florida Rep. Frederica Wilson.

Wilson’s first goal will be to overturn a rule that blocks her from wearing a hat on the House floor. The freshman Democrat is going to press incoming House Speaker John Boehner to overturn the rule, which dates back to the 1800s, or at least to make an exception for her.   It’s unclear whether Boehner, who  will likely have plenty of priorities ahead of a rule-change request from a member of the opposition party, could do anything shy of a full floor vote to overturn the House’s hat ban. Wilson doesn’t own just a hat or two. By her count, the former Florida state House member owns at least 300 different hats, including custom-made sequined cowboy hats in virtually every color of the rainbow. Her hat collection is so massive, it takes up an entire room of her house, according to the Miami New Times. “I’ve been wearing them almost 30 years. It’s like a fetish.”
  
Its nice to see that Wilson has her priorities straight and that her first order of business will be taking care of her fetish. Wilson will undoubtedly be warmly welcomed to the CBC by fellow lunatics   Sanford Bishop, Keith Ellison, Chaka Fattah, Alcee Hastings, Eddie Bernice Johnson, Hank Johnson, Barbara Lee, Sheila Jackson Lee and Maxine Waters.

She ought to fit right in. 

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Friday, December 10, 2010

The Lefties are in Revolt

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec 10, 2010

A Sanctimonious Bastard Speaks 

Richard Fernandez (Belmont Club)
Keith Olbermann goes ballistic on hearing that President Obama didn’t raise taxes. Basically Keith calls the president a low-down, plate-licking, dime-pinching, two-faced, snake oil salesman for not raising taxes just when the economy needs it most. That’s the polite version.


You’ve got to feel for President Obama. Olbermann didn’t hear the president say that the American people had been taken hostage by the evil conservatives. Despite the fact the Democrats controlled the House, the Senate and the presidency, they did this. Somehow. And he had no choice but to capitulate. President Obama is the kind of guy who owns up to responsibility. They made him do it.
"There is only one possible rational explanation for this irrational and childish transaction. There are Republicans and Tea Partiers who are still intent on cutting off their noses to spite their faces — the “Blind Rage Conservatives” for whom any compromise is disaster, just as for this President, apparently no compromise is disaster." 

You can read Olberfart's full tirade at Belmont Club.
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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Sainthood Put on Hold

Posted by Publius Minimus
Dec.8, 2010 
  
The Vatican Hesitates  on Shortcut  
 (Rome) A Vatican spokesman said today that reports of the proposed Sainthood for U.S. president, Barack Obama having been shelved for now are indeed true, but his Holiness the Pope  will review it again in about five or ten years. The Holy See has decided to review it at a much later date on order to see if Mr. Obama can pull off a few extra miracles, besides the one of himself getting elected. 

 Aides to Obama have begun intense investigation to find  if there were any previous deeds that Obama has done in the past that could coincide with the requirements of the Vatican.  
 Obama Clearly Seen Miraculously Floating Among  
 Competitors During a Recent Basketball Game 
    
Witness claims of previous miracles his staff have uncovered for consideration include Susan Bobelheid, an NBC reporter's claim of Obama miraculously turning a 73% voter approval rating in 2008 into 38% today.  And CNN reporter Biff Spittle says no one can deny a miracle when watching Obama dazzle audiences with his teleprompter reading skills.   

Mboto Chunka, a New York City cab driver also claims Obama actually hailed a cab and was picked up in all-white Bensonhurst, NY.  

 The Vatican has promised to research all claims of miraculous acts performed by Obama and will issue a white paper report in the year 2020, though some believe it could be as early as 2019. 

 FOX News commentator Bill O'Reily even offered his support by claiming, “If his party wins anything in the next election, that would be a real miracle.”
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Sunday, December 5, 2010

Hillary Clinton to U.S. Diplomats: STFU

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec 6, 2010

Secretary of State Orders Diplomats to Stop Being Truthful Until Further Notice

(Washington D.C.) The massive fallout from the last weeks WikiLeaks disclosures has prompted the State Department to take drastic measures to insure the safety of communications and cables between it's embassies and Washington. Among the steps to be taken  is  all U.S. diplomats are ordered to “cease and desist telling the truth until further notice."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has told reporters off the record they are working to try to make sure that leaks like these don't happen again, but until we they have got the leaks plugged, it’s incumbent on all our diplomats to put on their lying caps.  

 Clinton noted that since many US diplomats are major political donors to the Democrat party with long careers in the business world and that lying shouldn't be a difficult  for them at all. But for those career diplomats who came up through the Foreign Service, the State Department will be holding a series of “truth avoidance seminars,” led by executives of Goldman Sachs. 

Additionally, Clinton said, the State Department would install on all diplomats’ computers new software called CandorShield, which automatically translates truthful language into a less embarrassing truth-free version. For example, the software would translate the phrase “two-faced weasels” into “trusted Pakistani allies” and would delete all references to French President Nicolas Sarkozy as “Monsieur Shorty Pants.”

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Saturday, December 4, 2010

A letter from Nancy Pelosi

Posted by Publius Minimus
Dec 4, 2010
from Beautiful Letters
 From the Desk of the Honorable 
  Speaker of the House of Representatives:


Dear American People, 

Well, you went and did it, didn't you, you bunch of arrogant rednecks! Here I've been busting my cute little can for the last four years to undo all the damage that deranged cowboy Bush and his Republican cronies did to this country, and what do you do but take away my Speaker's gavel. As if you have any right! I worked hard all my life to get where I am, and you took it away just because you were mad at that amateur hour clown Obama! 

Well, you're about to find out that two can play at that game. You may have stolen the Speaker's chair from me for now, but I'll get it back in two years. Oh, and get a load of this. I'm STILL speaker RIGHT NOW. So who's going to pay? You are, that's who, you ungrateful, inbred bunch of Palin worshiping troglodytes! You think you can rob me of what's mine and not pay a price? Have I got news for you, America. Right now you've stolen what's mine by right. You took my gavel.

  
 Well you know what they say about payback, and here she comes on high heels and carrying an ice pick. You think it's funny that you took my job? Well I've got your middle-of-a-recession tax hike right here, you yokels. You think unemployment is bad now? By this time next year you'll be wishing it was just fifteen percent. I've got a lame duck session to work with, and I'm going to use it to put the screws to you like you didn't even know was possible. Your taxes are going up and your jobs are going away, and you've got nobody but yourselves to blame for it. You took my job and now I'm taking yours. 

You people thought you were so clever and funny on election night, didn't you? Well who's laughing now? I can't wait to see the looks on your faces when you see those new withholding amounts on your pay stubs. I can't wait to see you crying in the street when all your precious small businesses shut down. Mom and Pop stores? They're popped. And it's your fault for taking what was mine. 
 

So look at this America. I don't get mad, I get even. And right now this "lame duck" session is going to cripple this whole country on its way out. So laugh it up, you hick racists. Because she who laughs last laughs best. And while you're all in the unemployment line, I'll still be sitting pretty here in Congress, just waiting for 2012 to take back what's rightfully mine. And by then you'll be all too happy to give it to me, won't you? See you then, losers.


Sincerely, 

Once and future Speaker of the House San Fran Nan


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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The 2011 TSA Pin-Up Calendar

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec 1, 2010

This official 2011 TSA Pin-Up calendar features 12 stunning beauties who are sure to stimulate your own personal enhanced pat downs every month. Each month features a new, hot and steamy body scan of one of the TSA’s favorite flyers.

And don’t forget – the official 2011 TSA Pin-Up Calendar makes an excellent Christmas gift! So order yours today!


TSA's Miss January 
Miss January helps put the X in X-ray. When she 
travels on business, the pleasure is all ours.
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