WASHINGTON – The U.S. Federal Election Commission today warned Americans of what it termed “an increased possibility of major verbal gaffes taking place on U.S. soil within the coming days.” The F.E.C. issued its warning after the White House announced Joe Biden had commenced campaigning after the DNC convention.
The commission immediately raised the nation’s gaffe threat level to orange (“high”). It had been at yellow (“elevated”) since President Obama’s inopportune use of the phase "You didn't Build it" during a campaign appearance last month.
Americans were advised to prepare themselves for the potential gaffes by taking a range of precautions while listening to the media in the coming days and weeks leading up to the debates. Obama supporters were told to expect the possibility of his giving a masterfully crafted 500-word speech, and due to teleprompter failure or going off script could possibly say something really stupid or a single five-word phrase could be extracted to make him sound totally dumb, especially when shown repeatedly at high speed and accompanied by comical music.
Residents of the campaign advertising-saturated “swing states” – Pennsylvania, Ohio, New Hampshire, Virginia, North Carolina, Wisconsin, Iowa, Colorado and Nevada – especially those with weak stomachs or nervous conditions, were advised to avoid all forms of media, find their special place, and think happy thoughts.
Voters across the country were advised to take measures to ready themselves for a gaffe made by either the candidate they support or the one they oppose, with a combined daily 5-minute routine of shaking their heads in disbelief while simultaneously rubbing their hands in gleeful anticipation.
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