Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Exploitation Theater Presents

Lil' Kim Escalates Tensions - Moves Forces to Border Region

 Kim Jong-Un Moves Entire Transformers Collection to Border 
New Yorker

PYONGYANG - In a move that has further ratcheted up tensions on the Korean peninsula, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un today moved his entire collection of Transformers action figures to the border with South Korea.  According to sources familiar with the size and scope of the collection, which is believed to be the largest in Asia, the mercurial Kim began assembling it when he was either eight or nine.

In Washington, an intelligence source reported that satellite photos have confirmed thousands of Transformers massing on the southern border: “We are seeing no Autobots. Just tons and tons of Decepticons.”

Kim himself confirmed the Transformers mobilization today on state television, announcing, “I am Megatron,” followed by an unintelligible roar.

 The latest development in North Korea follows published reports that Kim Jong-Un may be trying to obtain a light sabre.


Monday, April 8, 2013

Dear Leader Speaks Directly to Dear Leader-in-Training

Diplomacy Has Gone Downhill Since Hillary Resigned

Dear Comrade Kim,
I have come to agree with our fellow comrade, Fidel Castro, that it is time you should quit swinging your little dick and knock off the threatening nonsense. Seriously! Neither of us need the Chinese pissed off right now, if you know what I mean!  
Barry O.

And seeing  you're the only fat kid in North Korea, don't make me send Michelle over there. Neither of us would want it to come to that, would we?  She is briefed and fully aware of the high calorie count of Korean nose boogers - and of your fondness of your own.  So Watch Your Step Tubby!


Dear Big Ears Hussein,

A Good Monday Morning

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Dr. Lecter, You Have a Call on Line One

This week, President Obama announced a major scientific initiative that would lead us into the next great frontier: The “BRAIN” Initiative (Brain Research through Advancing Innovative Neurotechnologies). This initiative, the details of which are scarce and not yet fleshed out according to Francis S. Collins, Director of the National Institute of Health, has a price tag of $100m. It’s being sold not just as an advancement in the fields of science and medicine, but one that will, you guessed it, stimulate the economy and create jobs. One can only guess the true motivation behind the BRAIN initiative; in fact, heads of two leading neurological research organizations have called into question the goals and intentions underlying the President's proposal.

Dr. Susan Fitzpatrick of the James S. McDonnell Foundation, a leading funding source for neuroscientific research, characterized her reaction to the announcement as one of “befuddlement,” largely because she’s “not quite sure what the initiative is.” Likewise, Dr. David Hovda of the
Brain Injury Research Center at UCLA said, “This sounds more like a PR splash,” promising more than it will be able to deliver, than anything of real substance.

Again, because the details of the proposal have not yet been released – and the current leaders in the neuroscience research fields haven’t been consulted on this initiative at all – one can only speculate on the objectives of the research. Left with no details on the proposal, and understanding that Congress will have to approve the funding before we can learn the details of the plan,  some may see it as just one more step Obama is taking to move us closer to the dystopian worlds of popular film and literature, where maybe the next “great” frontier will include Thought Police.

Then again, maybe the democrats just need more research on the brains of union goons and low information voters in order to encourage more.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

The Saddest Result of Our “Progressive Society"

"Between the Zero Tolerance Nazis who jump at the chance to punish a child for even remotely pretending to play “Cops and Robbers;” and the vile excuses for “progressive and open minded thinkers,” who demonize the fetus as a burden then make sexual objects out of any child over the age of five: We have destroyed all vestige of childlike innocence.
 We drug them up to shut them up; simultaneously taking away their natural instincts because we would rather wrap them in the rainbow colored chains of political correctness than “subject them to imposed gender roles.”
 Then, we have the gall to wonder why they are stabbing each other for shoes, shooting toddlers in prams, screaming hatefully at all adults in public and cutting themselves secretly. We did this to them."

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

North Korean Leader to Release New Autobiography

PYONGYANG - Following in the footsteps of other narcissistic world leaders who write biographies early in life, Kim Jong Un, The People's Republic number one and the son of the late and great example to dictators everywhere, is set to officially release his first mini autobiography next week. 
Middle Finger News was given a very special and exclusive interview in an exotic, mysteriously distant, and often misunderstood place: the residential palaces in the heart of the DPRK.
The book is indeed a son's loving testament to his father and hero, Kim Jong Il. 
“This book,” related the younger Kim, “Will surely put all other books to shame. In fact, we are having a book burning next week. You should come. You will witness as we raise Father’s legacy in tribute above the flames, gazing on his shining, beneficent face until the knowledge of lesser mortals is nothing but ASHES AT HIS FEET!! AAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!”
After a few minutes, Jong Un got back on track and began to touch on a few of the softer, tenderer moments in his life with The Dear Leader.
“Well, the time Dad took me to my first public execution is definitely at the top of my list. We sat together in the warm sun, laughed, and had the best kimchi on the planet. The spice was just right—not too spicy but still spicy. You know what I’m talking about. Now, that was a day to remember.”
The Late Kim Jong Il Inspects North Korean Stick Farm
“And how could I forget the day Father unveiled his matchless might in the form of a high-tech ballistic missile called the T2 - it was then that I realized that I never knew my Father (nor he me) until that day. The head nod he gave me was more than just a signal for me to cut the ribbon—in my mind it signaled the start of a new friendship and era in my life. And I knew that (now, he could come back from the dead and kill me for suggesting this so make sure it’s off the record. No really, he will) behind those dark sunglasses his eyes were tearing up as much as mine.”
“And then there were all those memorable trips we took. Trips to the underground prisons, the above ground prisons, the house prisons, the dungeons, the prisons for the mentally unstable, the prisons for the sane, for traitors, fools, boring people, people whose faces we get tired of looking at, prisons for the old, the sick, the lame, the poor, the homeless, the orphaned, the widowed, the mediocre, the creative, and my personal favorite—the prison for thought criminals!”
This unique glimpse into a charmed life with a dictator-dad through the perspective of an adoring son, though already being placed alongside the greater works of history, will surely be remembered as one of the tenderest memoirs in a long, long while.
Kim Jong Il  Inspects North Korea's Strategic Toilet Paper Reserves

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Educational Crash Course #523

Another Installment of Diogenes'
Public Service Educational Series:
"Public Speaking"
How to pass yourself off as a expert member of 
the the Liberal Intelligentsia for fun and profit
(and maybe even get a gig on TV)

Next in Series:
Advancing your career as
the Village Idiot with Jim Carrey


Monday, April 1, 2013

Down the Road to Perdition: Part 2

"Kermit Gosnell is the Philadelphia abortionist who stands accused of murdering seven children who were born alive. Ricochet Member Cornelius Julius Sebastian quite courageously posted a photo of Gosnell's handiwork on the Ricochet Member Feed recently. In it, we see a baby lying on his side, his back turned to us, a tuft of hair on his head as thick as you please. His head is lying in a pool of blood, which runs from the open gash at the base of his head, spreading across the white sheet, outlining the length of his little shoulder and back. The gash is from the scissors Dr. Meng,…er,..I mean, Dr. Gosnell used to stab the child and kill him by severing his spinal cord, with no anesthesia, because we learned at Auschwitz that children aren't human and can't feel pain, right?  
 A country whose government directs funds to an organization whose representative testified in Florida that if a baby survives an abortion and is born alive, whether or not that child lives, "…should be left up to the woman, her family, and the physician," is a country that has lost control of its government. And a country in which people twice elect as President a man who, as a state senator, couldn't bring himself to vote against infanticide, is a country fast losing its way.
I swear, the next time some leftist tells me that government must regulate our food and purge school vending machines of the last M&M, or give in to the latest ridiculous ultimatum from the teacher's union, all in the name of the "The Children," I'm going to stick a photo of that little boy lying in his own blood in front of their well-fed face and ask if THIS was done for "The Children" as well. A nation that permits the butchering of its children signs its own death warrant.  
What is it, exactly, that permits these degradations that are "fundamentally transforming" America into a place our ancestors would never recognize and, possibly, might have declined to defend? Well, yes, of course it's the relativistic slide into a chaotic "no man's land," in which we've become unmoored from the Constitution, natural law, and the nation's religious heritage. But that's not really what I'm asking. Rather, what was the intellectual anesthetic that facilitated the trip and made it so seamless and pain-free? I submit that it was language, or rather the perversion of it, that made the unthinkable first plausible, and then probable. The term, "abortion," for example, was, well, aborted, in favor of "a woman's right to choose." Choose what? The left doesn't want to say, because descriptions of the order I undertook earlier are too ugly to contemplate. So instead they equivocate and engage in euphemistic demagoguery, something those of us on the right should correct at every opportunity.
What the left hasn't been able to do with euphemism, they've instead opted to accomplish by means of outright redefinition. The appropriation of the word "gay," to signify homosexuality is one example, and the left is busily working to alter the word "marriage" to mean something other than what it has meant for thousands of years. Chief Justice Roberts correctly identified the core issue this week when he noted, "If you tell a child that somebody has to be their friend, I suppose you can force the child to say, 'This is my friend,' but it changes the definition of what it means to be a friend." It is not the conduct of consenting adults in private, but rather the debauchery of the language itself that corrupts civil society.
The thoughtless and frivolous rhetorical antics of political correctness, in its infancy, have given way to an Orwellian dynamic which debases our traditions, culture, and institutions, yielding to the double-speak of the contriving utopian who dares not state plainly his intention, for example, of confiscating your earnings, preferring instead the unfocused and platitudinous nonsense of "paying your fair share." To give ground in our language is to acquiesce in an Environmental Protection Agency that cares more about harassing citizens than protecting the environment, or an Department of Education that educates no one, or an Affordable Care Act that adds over 16,000 IRS agents but not a single doctor. Is this future irreversible?"  
*Excerpt from the essay "Was Orwell Right" by Dave Carter