A Guest Post: Barbara Streisand

Much to my surprise, Diogenes recently received an email from Barbara Streisand (obviously by mistake) and addressed to someone named Arthur Sulzberger, who must run a website somewhere that famous people write Op-eds and pretend to know a lot about everything. After I read the unpublished post included with email, I decided to share it with my readers.

-----Original Message-----
From: babs_in_toyland@gmail.net
Sent: Sunday, March 5, 2017  3:50 AM
To: Arthur Sulzberger
Subject: Post
 
Dear Arty,
Here is the article I told you about at the Glorious One's last invite to dinner at the White House. I'm sorry it isn't quite up to Babs' usual intellectual excellence, but I am so distracted these days by all the pretty things Babs surrounds herself with. I know a guy who lives as you do would understand about this kind of thing also. I'm sending my pool boy to NY with the $247.00 submission fee (such a pittance for a posting fee these days) but I don't mind doing my part to redistribute the wealth as our great leader says we should.


Power to the Correct People,
B.S.

_____________

Why I'm Against Immigration Reform

By Barbara Streisand

I have this employee in my housekeeping department we'll call "J". We’ll call her that because most Hispanic people have a name starting with the letter J and I strictly forbid my employees from learning the names of each other because name-knowledge promotes needless chit-chat. It would be hypocritical of me not to abide by the same instructions I demand my staff follow, therefore I have no clue as to J's real name.

While perusing security footage one night with my husband.....what's his name.... I noticed that everyone really seemed to like J. They smiled at her, waved at her, and often made physical contact using a maneuver civilians call, "a pat on the back," which I'm told expresses admiration, support, or just general kindness. The traditions of the everyday little people are simply fascinating!

Coincidentally, J passed me in the hallway the other day. While she was careful to observe the two-foot rule, she did not abide by Chapter 25, Paragraph 15 of the, "Streisand Household Handbook for Successful Dealings with Ms. Streisand," which states, "On rare occasions in which you are lucky enough to come within earshot of Ms. Streisand, you are to refrain from making a single sound with any part of your body, orifice or otherwise, or article of clothing. Violation of this rule could result in termination, and replacement." She dare muttered "Excuse me!"

People seem to enjoy enjoy the company of J even though she has no musical ability. How in the world does she pull that off?  Babs no comprendo.

I asked my husband about it and he said that a lot of people enjoy engaging in conversation for recreational purposes. Apparently speaking with others is cathartic for some. But she doesn't speak with people because she’s asking for political favors or election donations. She's not admonishing underlings for inappropriate eye-contact, because 23% of the kitchen floor tiles contain unacceptable levels of grime, or because she found a Cheerio underneath the refrigerator and is demanding to know who's responsible. So apparently J is the Barbra Streisand of talking to people. Like I am great at singing, she is great at conversing. I'm told those who excel at conversation often have many friends.

The reason I became an Academy Award winning superstar singer/actor/director triple threat is so I could talk to other Academy Award winning living legends. If I wanted to talk to maids, I would have taken up house cleaning.  Conversations with the help are a waist of my time and a waist of their time. And I'm paying them while they're at my residence.  Plus, it's always awkward because I can't understand a word they say.  Besides, people don't get paid to talk to Barbra Streisand; people pay to talk to Barbra Streisand.  

So why do I care so much about a meaningless staffer that I may have already fired but don't remember? Why do I care so much about a lady that I may eventually have deported because her extra-dark arm hair really grosses me out? Why do I care so much about a woman who I may one day accuse of devouring an entire box of Twinkies because I desperately want to keep a late night binge session secret?

Well, the truth is, I don't. But Babs needs a supply of readily available inexpensive fence jumpers for replacements and full staffing. That's why I'm against Immigration reform!

A Good Monday Morning

Middle Finger Symphony Theater

* NO TUXEDOS REQUIRED *

Snopes.com verified to be a hoax – according to Snopes.com

We have all visited  the myth-busting web site Snopes.com to verify a legend or rumor swirling around the Internet. Whether it be politics, urban legends and the such, Snopes is committed to tracking down the truth or falsity of every Internet claim, no matter how credible or far-fetched.  Thanks to Snopes.com, I no longer fear flesh-eating bananas from Costa Rica, venomous grasshoppers from Guam or poisonous rat droppings in my box of Special K cereal which will cause my internal organs to turn to mush and my head explode. 

I no longer worry that downloading Adele albums to my computer will trigger a virus that will erase my computer’s hard drive on Christmas morning. I don’t fear that the police officer who is about to pull me over for an illegal left turn might in reality be a raging psychopath impersonating a cop, intent on killing me so he can eat my kidneys.Thanks to Snopes.com, I am no longer paralyzed with fear at the thought of leaving my bathroom.

So imagine my shock when I found out this week that Snopes.com decided to research claims that Snopes.com itself was a hoax. Snopes.com, true to its commitment, conducted an in-depth investigation. Stunningly, Snopes.com concluded that in fact there was no credible evidence to support the existence of Snopes.com, and reported its findings at its web site, Snopes.com.

But interestingly, Snopes.com then conducted a further investigation and discovered something even more perplexing: Its subsequent study concluded that the alarmist claims by Snopes.com that it does not exist were in fact just a nefarious hoax, and that Snopes.com was in fact real after all. It pointed to reams of statistical reports showing thousands of daily web site visits, to debunk claims that it did not exist.

But it didn’t end there. Shortly after that study, yet another Snopes.com investigation was launched, aiming this time to determine whether or not the previous Snopes.com report – which had reported that the Snopes.com report claiming that Snopes.com was a hoax, was itself a hoax – was in fact a hoax or not. As of this writing, the answer is still uncertain. It appears that Snopes.com has been caught in some carnival “funhouse of mirrors” endless loop of claims and counter claims about its own existence. As a result of this chain reaction of Snopes.com investigations into its own existence, the entire bank of Snopes.com web servers finally overloaded and crashed – that is, if we are to believe that those web servers ever existed in the first place.  

So how will I know what’s true anymore? I don’t know what to believe. Without Snopes.com, I won’t know whether I should refuse to accept anyone’s business card ever again because it could be soaked in a dangerous drug which will completely erase my memory and make me believe I'm Joan Crawford. I worry about whether I might be asked by a company’s customer service automated phone menu to “please press #-9-0” – only to end up accidentally turning over my credit card information to Bulgarian Internet pornographers who will go on a shopping spree at Tiffany’s using my Discover credit card.
 
And how will I ever know for sure whether those two cats living in my house these past 6 years are really not aliens from another planet deposited in my house for the sole purpose of spying on me and driving me insane? One can never be too cautious these days.

Without Snopes.com to turn to for answers, I am confused and bewildered. But there are a few  things I  do know for a fact:

• Watching 50 hours of NOVA episodes on PBS will grow new brain cells and actually make you smarter – FALSE! (However, it IS true that watching even a single episode of THE VIEW can potentially destroy up to 1,000 brain cells)

• Eating a diet consisting of nothing but broccoli and tuna fish for four months will enlarge your breast. – Totally FALSE! (Don’t ask me how I know, but I do. Just trust me.)

• Using cell phones while fueling up at a gas station leads to brain cancer in mice – FALSE! (As to why mice were using cell phones at gas stations, that’s a question scientists still refuse to answer.)

• Watching Fox News more than an hour a week will lead to incurable insanity – TRUE/FALSE (Technically, scientists now think this only poses a serious mental health risk if you are exposed to the Sean Hannity show for prolonged periods.)

Some Woman Gets Haircut, Internet Explodes

NEW YORK, NY – A local woman today posted pictures of her recent haircut to Instagram, a normally innocuous act that prompted more internet activity than the birth of the Royal Baby and the “Breaking Bad” premiere combined. The haircut garnered nearly 60,000 initial responses within 15 minutes  and was covered in nearly every form of print, television, and online media.

Major journalistic sources confirmed that compared to recent news stories of on-going government surveillance, deaths from the Syrian civil war topping 100,000, and terrorist threats to the United States and allies it was “nice to have some news that actually matters.”

“Typically this level of traffic indicates some sort of earth shattering natural disaster or major terrorist attack” said Internet traffic analyst Cole Johnston “but clearly this is something much, much more meaningful.”

The woman’s personal choice of hairstyle, which carries the same importance as anyone else’s (absolutely none) had divided the internet into two warring camps, one contending that she had clearly been hypnotized by noted Satanist and pixie-demon woman Zooey Deschanel and the others saying that new style “would light the way to the new utopia, where Hennessey and caviar would be served from the skulls of her enemies.”

Opinion remains divided.

It's Lonely at the Top: Trusted Advisor Takes Charge of White House During Obama Absence

Hiding in the Closet with Alex Jones

Via The Daily Smug

Does Mr. Roebuck Know About This......

Click for larger view

I Think I Just Found Odie's Christmas Present........

THUGOCRACY: Dick Durbin’s Staff Sending Out Intimidating Letters About ALEC And Stand Your Ground

The Hayride

"Two different conservative organizations with whom we’ve got contacts have received letters from Sen. Dick Durbin’s office today which look an awful lot like the actions that precipitated the IRS scandal. Apparently there’s a massive fishing expedition afoot.

"This came to the our buddy Kevin Kane at the Pelican Institute."

Dear Mr. Kane,

 I write to seek information regarding your organization’s position on “stand your ground” legislation that was adopted as a national model by the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC). ALEC describes itself as a think tank that develops model bills for state legislators. In 2005, ALEC approved the adoption of model “stand your ground” legislation entitled the “Castle Doctrine Act.” This model legislation was based on Florida’s “stand your ground” law, and it changes the criminal law regarding self-defense and provides immunity for certain uses of deadly force........." 

 "Although ALEC does not maintain a public list of corporate members or donors, other public documents indicate that your organization funded ALEC at some point during the period between ALEC’s adoption of model “stand your ground” legislation in 2005 and the present day. I acknowledge your organization’s right to actively participate in the debate of important political issues, regardless of your position, and I recognize that an organization’s involvement with ALEC does not necessarily mean that the organization endorses all positions taken by ALEC. Therefore I am seeking clarification whether organizations that have funded ALEC’s operations in the past currently support ALEC and the model “stand your ground” legislation. I ask that you please reply to this letter by answering yes or no in response to the two questions below. Please feel free to provide additional information explaining your yes or no response. 

1. Has Pelican Institute for Public Policy served as a member of ALEC or provided any funding to ALEC in 2013?

2. Does Pelican Institute for Public Policy support the “stand your ground” legislation that was adopted as a national model and promoted by ALEC? Please provide a response to this letter by September 1, 2013. 

Note that I am sending similar letters to other organizations that have been identified as ALEC funders at some point between 2005 and today. In September, I plan to convene a hearing of the Senate Judiciary Committee Subcommittee on the Constitution, Civil Rights and Human Rights to examine “stand your ground” laws, and I intend to include the responses to my letters in the hearing record. Therefore, please know that your response will be publicly available. Thank you for your attention to this request. Please feel free to contact Dan Swanson or Stephanie Trifone on my staff at 202-224-2152 if you have any questions. I look forward to receiving your response.  

"We heard earlier today that the Center for Security Policy received a similar letter."

"What’s going on here isn’t difficult to ascertain. The Left has decided that Stand Your Ground laws need to be demonized and/or repealed, and as a result they’re going to attempt to shame and intimidate the people they think are responsible for them. And Durbin said last month he was going to crank up a dog and pony show in the Constitution, Civil Rights and Human Rights committees he runs in order to cast those laws as discriminatory – despite the fact that, at least in Florida, black people disproportionately avail themselves of them......."

Read the rest Here

MSNBC to Offer Sister Channel

MSNBC to Launch Wild and Pointless Speculation Channel

Speculation is rife that MSNBC may create a new 24 hour rolling conjecture channel that gathers together experts in every subject, places them all in one room and forces them to argue endlessly about what will happen next. This follows on the heels of rumors of a new MSNBC talk show starring everybody's favorite loose cannon, angry white guy Alec Baldwin.

‘In an age of 24-hour breaking news the public demand a constant stream of wild and pointless speculation,’ said NBC news  Director of Operations, Tony Hall. "If we don’t do it then people might start speculating for themselves, and who knows where that might end. We have a team of academics already discussing that very possibility."

"There is already far too much empty and useless conjecture based on nothing more than personal opinion at MSNBC,’ said one expert. "No there isn’t " said another.

The new channel is likely to be based in New York, or perhaps D.C, or Atlanta, or maybe somewhere else entirely, with an estimated cost of tens of thousands, or more, or possibly less.   Experts remain divided on the value of the channel dedicated entirely to idle speculation. "There is already far too much empty and useless conjecture based on nothing more than personal opinion at MSNBC,’ said one expert. "No there isn’t " said another.

If the new channel goes ahead, industry insiders predict other news outlets will follow suit. ABC is already said to be working on plans for a vast pundit multiscreen, The Tower of Babble, that will provide a constant backdrop of experts in bow-ties spouting muddled and incoherent opinions while  Diane Sawyer spins round on a rotating pedestal and nods knowingly.

Meanwhile, Channel 4 News in NY has hired numerous New York cabbies to provide a running commentary of ill-informed prejudice to all their stories. If the cabbie isn’t available they also have Alex Jones on stand-by.

Critics point to academic research that shows the ability of experts to accurately predict the future is little better than a blindfold chimpanzee on roller skates throwing darts at a board – which is, coincidentally, the current method of news gathering at MSNBC.