Sunday, June 5, 2016

Obama Issues Executive Order 72

(MFNS) -With pen in hand, Barack Obama has moved in support of the Social Justice Warriors and their fight against Inequality with another Transformational Executive Order, #72. The White House released a statement on the latest Presidential decree late Saturday after a rumored particularly bad day for the President on his latest Golf Outing.

President Obama issued Executive Order 72.01 laying down new rules and regulations for all future games of golf played inside the continental United States, military installations, territories and protectorates.  Direct enforcement will fall to the Equal Opportunity Administration in conjunction with strict oversight by Homeland Security and Local and State Law Enforcement. Major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective July 1, 2016.

This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expected to be 2716 pages) is being rewritten as we speak. 
Here are a few of the changes:
Golfers with handicaps:
- Below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
- Between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
 - Above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.
The term "gimmie" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:
- Handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
- Handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
 - Handicaps above 18, if your ball is on the green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.  In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. 
Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.  This is intended to "re-distribute" the success of winning by making sure that in all competitions every Player above an 18 handicap will post only "net score" against every other player's "gross score". 
"These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility. 
This is the "Right thing to do." 
So, please remember; if you shot a round of golf under par, you didn't shoot it yourself. Someone else built that course, and someone else cut the grass so that you could play on it. Someone else built the clubs and the cart.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Who Better to Write Sleazy Tabloid Journalism Than a Guy Brought Down by Sleazy Tabloid Journalism?

Dick Morris Now Sucking Toes At The National Enquirer

Famous prostitute-toe-sucker and former democrat political adviser Bullshit Artist, Dick Morris, has finally found a home that's appropriate for the special...uh....“talents” that are his forte, as  Chief Political Commentator & Correspondent for the National Enquirer 
"The Capitol Hill-based newspaper The Hill has dropped laughingstock Dick Morris as a columnist after he signed on with the National Enquirer as its chief political correspondent.
In a statement a spokesperson for The Hill wrote: “In light of Dick Morris’ new position at the National Enquirer The Hill has decided to discontinue his column. We wish him well.”
Morris’ dismissal from the paper is long overdue. In December 2012, several Hill staffers told the website Media Matters that the columnist lacked credibility in light of his faulty predictions, with one saying: “I think everyone at The Hill views him the way that people outside The Hill do. He is a laughingstock, especially the way he acted in this last election.” 
Geez, that’s pretty harsh language for a formerly powerful dude who was once a high-level political operative for Bill Clinton, but then resigned amidst prostitution rumors and for some reason became a hack writer at such venerable journalistic institutions as Newsmax. Just because Morris has been wrong more frequently than Bill Kristol is no reason to be mean. It’s as if a guy goes and predicts an overwhelming victory for Mitt Romney and suddenly....oh wait.

Still, the National Enquirer is quite proud of its prize, because who better to do sleazy tabloid journalism than a guy who was brought down by sleazy tabloid journalism.
National Enquirer touted  the former Clinton adviser turned Clinton foe’s hiring in a press release, claiming it “underscores our commitment to investigative journalism. 
… He greatly values our commitment to delivering the kind of quality content that our readers have come to trust us for.” Morris said that the publication is “one of the few journalistic outlets that has the courage to publish the truth.”
Yes indeed, like all the well-sourced dirt on Ted Cruz’s many mistresses, and his father's secret involvement in snuffing out JFK.

Some of Morris' past political predictions include claiming Mitt Romney would win the 2012 election in a “landslide”; it’s “very possible” President Obama would drop out of the 2012 race; the 2008 election would feature Condi Rice vs. Hillary Clinton; Clinton would drop out of her 2006 U.S. Senate bid because she’s afraid of challenger Jeanine Pirro (Pirro dropped out  amid a poll showing her losing by over 30 points); and Rick Lazio would defeat Clinton in the 2000 Senate race (he lost by double digits)

Dick Morris and The
National Enquirer.  It’s a match made in heaven, or at least in the check-out aisle right below the gum and breath mints.

[PRN News]
[The Hill]


Fishnet Friday

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Bernistas Preparing to Soil Madam Cankles' Coronation

Anyone who’s ever attended a specialty convention will tell you that it is a rather massive undertaking to coordinate several thousand like-minded individuals in a confined space. Whether it’s a gathering of animal costume fetishists, comic book geeks, porn stars and/or politicians, these meet-ups are logistical nightmares that require the cooperation of local authorities, police, and private security, as well as a venue large enough.

You'd think that some 180+ years after the first Democrat National Convention, the 46th time would be pretty easy. It’s done every four years, right?   

Just get some balloons and confetti, a couple cops, and find a stadium with air conditioning and a solid P.A. system where you can hold a bitchin’ laser light show, and wrap everything up with a break dancing Teddy Kennedy hologram. Offer up some cheap booze, some shitty fried food, and bing-bang-boom, you've got yourself a spectacle to soak up news coverage for days. What could go wrong?

Days of Future Passed
Well, they weren't counting on the Bernistas. According to the Daily Caller, more than twenty thousand leftist have committed to protest Hillary Clinton’s likely stolen nomination at the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia. And that number is quickly growing. 

The protesters are united in their support for Bernie Sanders, and their opposition to “a fraudulent Hillary nomination,” according to the group’s website.

Their leaders have set up a Facebook group titled 'Occupy DNC Convention' to organize housing and transportation. One document issued by the group is titled “Why ‘Occupy DNC Convention’?” explains the protesters’ mission: we are contesting Hillary’s nomination on the grounds of fraud, voter suppression, and corruption. We show them who we want.

One group of black activists, the Philly Coalition for Real Justice, has planned a “resistance march” against the Democratic party for allegedly breaking its promises to black voters. Local news coverage describes the group as an affiliate of Black Lives Matter but the activists declined to either confirm or deny that fact.

The activists’ Facebook event says: 
“The Democratic Party has consistently betrayed their promises to the Black community and the 2016 presidential election is not going to be any different.”
“We must capitalize off of this moment with one goal in mind; and that is to resist the capitalist and racist power structures that allow white supremacy and capitalist oppression to flourish."
Philadelphia is no stranger to protest and rabble rousing, and have proved in the past they can tear gas with the best of em.  Stock up on popcorn boys and girls. I have a feeling the 2016 Democrat Convention may be an even bigger clusterf**k of a shit-show then the Republican Convention is expected to be.  

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

North Korea Successfully Test Crashes Ballistic Missile


Pyongyang - The North Korean Peoples Ministry of Truth told MFNS today the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea's military announced the fourth in a series of successful Test Crashes of a intermediate-range Musudan ballistic missile.   

The missile was test-fired from the eastern city of Wonsan at 5:20AM Tuesday. The missile flew gloriously for the required four seconds and was then test crashed. 

According to the Ministry of Truth, "this was the latest in a string of missile crash tests to insure the structural integrity of the the world's most advanced defensive weapon system." It was also a "clear message to the aggressive ambitions and belligerent threatening rhetoric of the Big Eared Imperialist Warmongering Leader of the West of the rapid advancement and superiority of North Korea Peoples Military technology."