Monday, January 31, 2022
Sunday, January 30, 2022
Friday, January 28, 2022
Thursday, January 27, 2022
"Like I keep telling y’all, you have to invest in physical media if you want to be able to hold onto the things that are important to you. You cannot trust streaming services. “Buying“ a movie or an album through Apple or anybody else is a sucker’s game".
Wednesday, January 26, 2022
MFNS - After a three year long hiatus because of covid, CNN has decided to bring back their yearly Prom, Talent Show and Primal Scream Competition for it's employees. The event is intended to be a bit of sunshine in a sea of bad ratings for beleaguered network personalities doing heated battle rating races with local cable access gardening shows and reruns of 60 year old Perry Mason episodes.
Former CNN anchor and makeup addict Brook Baldwin, a five time Prom Queen (2011-16) revealed in her recent book "WTF Am I Working Here for?? - Memories of My Days at CNN", that the CNN Prom Queen Reign was an opportunity to show all the other ambitious CNN employees just who "The Bitch Who Shall Not Be Fucked With" is for the following year. But she also said the crown sometime results in bad feelings, sharp words and hair pulling screaming matches in the women restroom.
CNN has opened up the voting for the Prom Queen, and since they've lost 75% of their audience, they invite the general public to help choose. So here's your opportunity to help crown the newest Queen of CNN from this bevy of talented beauties.
Leave your choices in the comments and we'll make sure your vote get counted.
No mail in ballots will be counted. Otherwise we use democrat rules. You are allowed to vote numerous times, but within a reasonable number.
It's like...history or something. Here are your CNN 2022 Prom Queen Nominees:
Tuesday, January 25, 2022
Your new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson (email@example.com), will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' and 'nigga' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday, enough of your foolish inebriation.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a concealed vegetable peeler.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get over it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup up but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American beer will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball and learn cricket.
13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)
14. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
Elizabeth II, Queen of All England and Boss of You
Sunday, January 23, 2022
New York (CNN Business) If the thought of using a slice of bologna as a moisturizing face mask was tempting, you're out of luck — for now. Oscar Mayer's bologna-inspired face mask sold out less than a day after its release on Amazon. Kraft Heinz blamed the shortage on "unexpected incredibly high demand" and said in a statement that the product would be restocked "over the coming days."
It's the number one new release in Amazon's beauty and personal care section.
The new product isn't actually a slimy piece of meat. Kraft Heinz (KHC) partnered with Seoul Mamas, a Korean skin care company, to create a "hydrating and restoring hydrogel" mask that promotes skin elasticity, improves hydration and moisture retention. (Oddly, those are not among the typical side benefits associated with ingesting the sodium-filled deli meat.)
The $5 skin care product was created as a "playful spin on the often serious 'New Year, New You' trope with its meaty take on the self-care space. It's also an homage to those oddball kids in school who would bite out eyes and a mouth on a bologna slice and put it on their face.