[Place White House Seal Header Here Before Monday Release If Any of You SOB's Can Find It]
White House Office of Human Resources: June 13, 2022
JOB DESCRIPTION
Consistently operating with innate flaws and a toxic culture, the Biden Administration as a whole has managed to scrape by as a inept political presence through routines that could only be described as incompetent dumpster fire that is burning as violently as the Great Chicago Fire. Are you our O’Leary cow?
As Senior (office of one) Administration Scapegoat, you will work alongside all Executive departments and Cabinet Offices on all projects, all of which were absolutely doomed from their inception thanks to poor leadership, blatant nepotism and, inexplicably, something you did. If you’re a recent graduate of a diploma mill or HBCU and feeling hopeless about the future or just a deeply broken human—we want you! Learn more about the role and what it entails below.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES
- Everything
- And so much more
QUALIFICATIONS
- An IQ at least as high as the average Democrat voter (70-75)
- Bachelor’s degree from an education institution that put you in significant debt.
- Experience with overbearing parents who are continuously disappointed.
- Proven three-plus-year track record of being from somewhere other than here.
- Able to work independently on projects that were originally designed for four or five people.
- Demonstrated history of taking the blame for things that are assuredly not your fault.
- Capacity to ingest and absorb passive-aggressive (and aggressive-aggressive) emails.
- Familiarity with a feeling of total and absolute desperation
- Must have semi-reliable transportation so we can claim that the only reason we didn’t deliver our promise to control inflation or caused an international incident that leads to possible nuclear stand-off, is because you were late that one time.
BENEFITS
- Salary commensurate with experience, but… it’s going to be low.
- 401K company match after a year, because we know you won’t be here by then.
- The legal minimum number of PTO days will be given, and maybe a few holidays, but definitely not the progressive ones
- Occasional work-from-home allowances. It’s not a benefit, but we’ll treat it like one.
TO APPLY
Scream into the void. If nothing and no one responds, then please send us your résumé and a well-crafted cover letter that we’ll never read. If we think you might be a good fit, we’ll respond with an incredibly finite number of interview slots for some time in the next twenty-four hours, thus allowing you no time to prepare or consider whether you actually want the role.
Apply today to be our Senior Administration Scapegoat. We can’t wait to blame you for our mistakes.
