The Skies are About to Get So Much Friendlier.

Welcome to SouthEast Air.  Y'all buckle up, sit back, and behave.  

~ Thank You Larwyn's Linx@ Doug Ross Journal for the Linkage! ~

Diogenes' Guide to the Generations

Culled from many years of observation....and obviously hang around the wrong people. 

Greatest Generation: People born between 1901 and 1927 who lived through the Great Depression and definitely never made a TikTok of themselves jumping into a kiddie pool full of nachos.

Second-Greatest Generation: “My Generation” by the Who.

Silent Generation: People born between 1928 and 1945 who came of age at the start of the Cold War and are called “silent” because they’re quietly miffed about not being named the Greatest Generation.

Baby Boomers: People who took to the streets to protest the Vietnam War, hosted sit-ins to protest Jim Crow, and hijacked their family’s Facebook feeds last Tuesday to protest the fact that their millennial daughters forbade them from kissing their grandbabies on the mouth during flu season.

Loud Generation: Boomers at Chili’s who have just been told that their coupon for free popcorn shrimp expired seven months ago. And also, it’s for TGI Fridays.

Gen X: The first latchkey kids who were blessed to grow up watching MTV before '16 and Pregnant'.

Generation Twitter: People who refuse to call it X.

Millennials: The last generation to have a childhood partially without the internet and the brutal, merciless killers of the diamond, fabric softener, and paper napkin industries.

Zillennials: People on the cusp of the Millennial and Gen Z generations who have never printed out MapQuest directions to the nearest Blockbuster but also have never used “vibe” as a verb.

Perennials: Boomers who drive south to their Florida condos for the winter and return each spring.

Generation Z: People born between 1997 and 2010 who have never known a childhood without the internet, which they use to spew vitriol against skinny jeans, ankle socks, and anyone who tells them not to eat Tide Pods.

Sandwich Generation: People who struggle to care for both their children and aging parents, especially when they have to travel to Chili’s to de-escalate their parents’ popcorn shrimp situation, then immediately be called to their Gen Alpha kid’s school because they flooded the bathroom trying to make a real-life Skibidi toilet.

“A Hot Dog Is Not a Sandwich” Generation: People who like to get into arguments that don’t actually matter, like whether you should call it X or Twitter.

Zoboomafoomers: Millennials who won’t shut up about how great the TV shows were when they were kids.

Generation Alpha: People born between 2011 and 2024 who have never experienced a world without social media and kiddie-pool-nacho-bath TikToks.

Generation Gamma: Boomers who insist on having a “cool” grandparent name.

Generation Beta: People born in 2025 and beyond, who will most likely cover themselves in Satanic tattoos, wear clothing that’s simultaneously too tight and too baggy, and implant themselves with virtual reality brain chips that will turn them into drooling Cocomelon-worshipping hippie racist snowflakes who are completely antisocial (but somehow are also having too much sex), and will surely drive the world into madness with their degenerate, corrupt ways, as all young people do. Oh, and they’ll make skinny jeans cool again.

Mental Health Experts on High Alert Because of MDS

Dr. Lucius Dulisius MD. PhD. PsyD. and all around BMFer

Middle Finger News Service Exclusive:

The nation's top Therapist and Private Mental Health Counselors are on high alert because democrats are seen becoming completely unhinged and paralyzed with grief and anxiety, fear and panic.  Dr. J. Throckmorton Crebs III of the Manhattan Hospital's Mental Unit in NYC told Middle Finger News Service in a phone interview that they expect a disturbed horde of patients in part now that the Trump administration is shockingly following through on what he said they would do. 

"Our hospital's largest group of patients seeking therapy the last three years were members of the news media. They came mostly to us for esteem problems, stemming from the fact they know that no one believes them anymore, and no one really likes them except their dogs. And in some cases, we have found even that is a problem," Crebbs told MFNS. "It's strange territory between their ears." 

"But today there are angry people of the leftist persuasion who staked their entire reputation as experts on the law and putting Trump away in prison that seemed to enjoy beclowned themselves on cable news panel appearances, are now out there kicking puppies, wandering the streets mumbling to themselves and going on epic benders for days. And don't even get me started about those ranting plastic drama queens of the theater district....... Hey, this interview is off the record, right???"

The famous west coast interstellar psychic and psychotherapist to the stars, Los Angeles Dr. Lucius Dulisius told MFNS he is alarmed that he may again witness something akin to the 2016 landslide of anti-Trump showbiz personalities mentally out on the ledge and beating down his door all hour of the night needing medicated reassurances that their fantasy world will survive the ongoing nightmare.

"Those coked-out f**king Hollywood creeps are the worst", the Doctor told us. "I had grown multi-millionaires sobbing at my feet like a two-year-old after the 2016 election. And now MDS!!"  

"G*D Dammit I just got them pacified and medicated correctly after the lawfare debacle and the assurance they had Trump dead to straight this time."

"And now This?!"

"Now the Musk Derangement Syndrome!!!" 

"Oh, Holy Shit! I need a drink!" 

Toylett Bole is Middle Finger News Service Consumer Affairs Reporter. Ms. Bole is reporting temporarily on health matters while MFNS Health Reporter, Toolus McHenry, tends to his nasty STD.

~ Thank You Larwyn's Linx@ Doug Ross Journal for the Linkage! ~

Well Look Who is Having a Birthday!

Your Government Wants You to Know Your Sacrifices Are Making a Difference

We here at the Department of Energy wanted to thank you for being conscientious about your energy usage this summer. Your efforts haven’t gone unnoticed. As a token of our gratitude, we wanted to highlight all the small but powerful steps you’ve taken to conserve energy over the past few months—and how that energy has instead been used to fuel the insatiable beast that is AI.

• By turning off your lights all day every day for a month, you conserved about 1 percent of the energy needed for AI to generate a picture of a duck wearing sunglasses. Isn’t he cute? Aside from the fact that he has the feet of a human man, of course. 
• By hand washing your dishes instead of using your dishwasher, you made it possible for an elaborate, four-story digital billboard in Times Square to advertise a seven-dollar bottle of water for twelve seconds. The display runs 24-7, naturally, but you personally contributed twelve seconds of that. You are making a difference! 
• By not showering for two whole weeks, you enabled an AI Facebook bot to create and post several images of Jesus eating breakfast at a Denny’s, which ultimately convinced 837,000 people that Christ had returned to Earth. Did you notice his legs are two dolphin tails? You’re the only one who did. 
• An AI-generated bot account was able to comment “TITS IN BIO” on 2.1 million Instagram posts, all thanks to you switching from AC to a big box fan that just kind of pushes the stale, hot air in your apartment around. We’re building a better world—together.
• By switching all the lightbulbs in your house to LED, you saved enough energy for a self-driving car to make an unprotected left-hand turn across three lanes of traffic.
• With the energy you conserved by scrapping your refrigerator entirely, a bored twenty-something was able to use an AI Tik Tok filter to see what they would’ve looked like in the 1970s. Spoiler alert: it’s exactly the same but in ’70s clothes.
• By dropping $7K on better, energy-efficient insulation for your home, Google AI was able to tell someone how to prepare chicken incorrectly, and they got, like, super sick—thanks to you!
• Hang-drying your clothes instead of using your dryer provided enough energy for one AI bot to get really good at online chess.
• Waking up at 4 a.m. to do your laundry conserved a ton of energy—energy that was used by ChatGPT to help a seventh grader plagiarize his entire essay on George Orwell’s 1984. Who needs to read a book on technology, totalitarianism, and propaganda, anyway?
• By unplugging all of your appliances, you freed up the exact amount of energy needed to create an AI-generated video of Adele’s “Hello” being sung by Plankton from Spongebob Squarepants.  

We know you adopted energy-saving practices to help conserve our planet’s resources and bring down our collective carbon footprint, but what you ultimately accomplished is just as important: helping AI do something menial and stupid. We hope seeing how much energy AI needlessly and uninhibitedly consumes inspires you to continue implementing practices that make your life incrementally more difficult during the hottest months of the year. We need you.

 

~ Thank You Larwyn's Linx@ Doug Ross Journal for the Linkage! ~

A Rare Photo

A Rare Image of Donald Trump, Willie Brown and Kamala Harris - 1997

Your Body's Updated Terms of Service:

We are writing to inform you that Your Body (“you,” “yourself,” “your aging body”) has updated its terms of service, which apply to the use of all your Parts and Areas. These terms will apply only to Your Once-Useful Body and may differ from Other People’s Bodies, Which Are Still Normal.

We encourage you to review the updated Terms before you attempt any dangerous activity, such as playing with your dog or walking uphill. Our other legal policies are available in our Depressing Policy Center.

Addendum to Terms of Service

I. Food and Beverage

a. Alcohol may be consumed a maximum of three (3) nights per week, with two nights consisting of no more than one (1) beverage and one night consisting of no more than two (2) beverages. If you have one (1) beverage on a night you are supposed to have one (1) beverage, but the drink doesn’t “do anything” and you “don’t feel any different,” you are still not allowed to have a second beverage because the first one “clearly didn’t count.” If you do have two (2) beverages on a night you are supposed to only have one (1), you will have a hangover the next day. Yes, an actual hangover. Also, if you have one (1) beverage on a night you are supposed to have zero (0), you won’t get any sleep and will wake up hating the world. 

b. Caffeine is one of three good things that exist. The others are love and the Fleetwood Mac album Rumours. However, like the relationship between Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham, your body’s relationship to caffeine is a productive yet fraught dance. If you consume any caffeine after 1 p.m., you won’t get any sleep and will wake up hating the world. Other People’s Bodies can consume caffeine until 3 or 4 p.m. or even have an espresso after dinner. You aren’t them and never will be. Also, if you have more than two (2) cups in a day, you will become convinced that there must be some kind of “demon” inside your chest and you will never be normal again. 

c. Despite your many lobbying efforts, Pretzels are still not considered their own food group and should not be treated as such. A healthy diet consists of diverse foods from those food groups recognized by the scientific community. Capeesh?

II. Exercise

a. Your Body and Mind require 4–6 days of exercise per week, unless you want to go to sleep hating the world. Unfortunately, every kind of exercise that you enjoy causes Your Body’s back, knees, or ankles to enter “The Zone of Desolation.” 

b. If your physical pain ever starts to feel depressing, it could help to look on the bright side: if you were a hunter-gatherer, you’d probably be dead by now.

VII. Service

a. As you mature and move forward in life, you ought to give more of yourself to your community. Since you have nothing to offer in terms of physical abilities, wisdom, charm, or general usefulness, consider serving as a frightening cautionary tale. 

b. You aren’t old enough for people to feel like they should serve you by mowing your lawn or bringing you chicken pot pies that are easy to reheat, but if you keep making intensely mediocre decisions, those days will arrive very soon.

XI. Benefits

a. Your age has earned you the right to be cranky. You are allowed, whenever you wish, to say things like “All leaf blowers must die” and “As far as I’m concerned, any grocery store that forces you to use self-checkout machines should be considered a terrorist organization.” 

b. Once per week, you are allowed to shudder when thinking about what high school would have been like if social media had been around then. 

c. If you ever end up getting a serious brain injury, it probably wouldn’t change much.

Moving Forward

You need not take any action regarding this alarming notice. By continuing to utilize your Parts and Movements on or after today, you agree to the updated Terms. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to type “head difficult to hold upright?” into Reddit.

LINDEN P. BORDEN for PRESIDENT

In spring 2012, at the beginning of the presidential primary campaign season, we at DMF saw no candidate with an ability or worthiness to defeat incumbent Barky Obama. Then out of the blue came a man of the people, one who we believed had what it took to pull America back from the brink. That man was Linden Phuken Borden.

Unfortunately, both the Romney and Obama campaigns smeared and lied in the media about Mr. Borden and he was excluded from any debates, failing to gain traction.

Now, in 2024, Linden Borden is back. Flush with money from the sale of his boat building empire, he sees both Democrat and Republican nominees unacceptable. We believe it is his time to save America. 

~ Editorial ~

By the Board of Diogenes' Middle Finger & Middle Finger News Service  

LINDEN P. BORDEN for PRESIDENT

Linden Borden is a Harry Truman type character. Only five foot two inches in stature, but of strong Viking stock, the Presidential Candidate is a self-sufficient small businessman; a boat builder by trade from the wilds of Minnesota. His business savvy and understanding of the needs of small business is sorely missing from the present candidates.   

His strong suit is his understanding of simple economics: You can't spend more than you take in. Borden knows how to wield a mean ax, and plans to lay waste to the bloated federal budget and stop the idiotic wasteful spending. The present candidates see billions as chump change, Linden Borden sees that as the problem. 

We feel Mr. Borden is scary enough to get congress in-line and threatening enough to keep our enemies at bay. We know he will not have any empty sexual harassment allegations leveled at him as some candidates have because as far as we know, no women has gone near him in years.

The almost unbelievable ground swell of support we witnessed on College Campuses as well as in Bingo Parlors and Burger Doodles all over Minnesota last week make us believe Linden Borden is poised to explode in a major breakout and begin a march to the head of the polls. All across the state, from the prestigious environmentally conscious, cutting edge 'Cannabis Technological Institute' to the 'State School for the Blind and Infirm', to the historic ' Mae West Academy for Wayward Nymphomaniacs', we witnessed grassroots support we haven't seen since the Dukakis campaign.

We at Diogenes Middle Finger think it's Linden Borden's time to shine, and wholeheartedly endorse his 2024 Presidential Candidacy.

Mr. Borden has surrounded himself with some impressive advisors, the likes of the eccentric but knowledgeable Professor Ichabod Butouski of the Minnesota State Junior College Ethnic Physics Department, Will Profit, CEO of Capitalist Preservation and Texas State Chairman for CTFBA (Cut the F**king Budget Already Campaign), Snags Fitch, Grand Lizard of the St. Paul Masonic Elks Optimist Club and Sequela Butts, contemporary poet and rummage expert. His intended Cabinet nominees we find also impressive. Announced as his potential Commerce Secretary is English born Marvin Ashcott Hayes, the somewhat eccentric Minnesota Tampon Magnate, and for Transportation Secretary, Link Pilsner, former outlaw biker leader and expert on the nation's back roads and highway systems.  

On Foreign Policy, we here at Diogenes Middle Finger unfortunately do not agree with Candidate Borden's insistence on nuking Guatemala in retaliation for his 1981 conviction (later overturned) for importing Toupees made from hair of endangered species, but do feel his views will be tempered by his choice for Secretary of State, Klash Bazbo, who should be over the ugly head wound accidentally suffered in a Viking Pillage Raid Reenactment on a Wisconsin girl's school, and over physical therapy in time to be confirmed.

The only possible problem we see with presently announced Cabinet choices in Congressional Confirmation Hearings could be the pick for Attorney General, Vincent “The Toe" Plemoso. Mr. Plemoso is a business exc. and expert on Law and the Federal Correction System, having been through it many times. 

 The Editorial Board of Diogenes Middle Finger believe it's time to cut the crap and get the country back on track. We also believe this is the first and most important endorsement of The Linden Borden for President Campaign, with many to follow in our steps. 

_____________________________

* Editor's Note:  In a August 14, 2012 story in the press of Mitt Romney's refusal to debate Mr. Borden one-on-one, it mentions the following day's discovery of the cutting down of every single tree on the Romney Family Estate in Massachusetts and hauled away during the night, attributed by some as the mischievous handy work of Mr. Borden and his Symbolic Viking Hatchet. Our in-depth investigation of the matter showed no conclusive proof of any involvement of Mr. Borden with the missing trees.  It remains a mystery.

I Pledge Not to be Mean or Nasty About Kamala Whatsername After This Post. *Fingers Crossed*

Reaction Mixed to JD Vance as DJT's VP Pick. 🤣🤣

This is a huge disappointment. I hired DJ Vance for my daughter's birthday. He showed up late and the only music he had with him was Lee Greenwood's Greatest Hits.

— BC Thomas (@bcthomas) July 15, 2024

DJ Vance played my wedding before he was famous and he stuck to my request for all 80s hits despite his lack of depth perception, except for that one time he played “Building a Mystery” by Britney Spears.

— Skeletor 🧼🧽🫧 (@TheMuppetPastor) July 15, 2024

DJ Vance was the king of disco back in the day.

— Mave McGillicuty (@MMcgillicuty) July 15, 2024

Didn’t go to an SEC school which also disqualifies him. Went to a community college called Yale or something.

— Stephen the Martyr (@StM_1979) July 15, 2024

DJ could still get a cabinet post. Since he was a green beret, he should be considered for transport.

— Yochanan Maroć (@YochananMar) July 15, 2024

Is this the same Vance from Vance Refrigeration?

— Rabbi Linda Goldstein (🇵🇸🍉I/P Commentary) (@realrabbilinda) July 15, 2024

Via                                 __________________________________

All seriousness aside, the reaction by the sociopaths at MSNBC to DJT's pick of JD Vance as VP I think shows he may have just hit a homerun.  And Vance didn’t have to blow Willie Brown! 

The First Thanksgiving. 🦃 Good Thing, Bad Thing? Short Lecture for the Masses by Professor Jimbo.

Discredited high school history teacher, James O'Flannery, describes the origins of AMERICA'S most beloved holiday, Thanksgiving, mostly without profanity and while sober (we think).

Gather 'round to hear the story of THE FIRST THANKSGIVING, featuring Squanto, William Bradford, Thomas Dermer, Samoset, Massasoit, the Puritans, the Pilgrims, Henry VIII , Anne Boleyn and much, much, more!

A Production By Our Friends @flappr.net

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Mexican Cartels Issue a Letter of Gratitude to Their "Man of the Year."

(MFNS)- Guano Mexico- The hostile Northern Mexican Cartels called a temporary truce long enough to issued a joint communique to the White House stating their undying gratitude for what they called "Outstanding Work on Behalf of the Cartels Man of the Year" for 2023.
  

Cartel Man of the Year - El Presidente' Joe Biden

In the communique they praised Biden for "reversing previous leader's hindering border protections" and "spoon feeding his useful idiots in the media the cover story that the border was closed, to which they dutiful repeated to their audience of gringo retards, helping give free reign to violate the sovereign border mostly unimpeded and away from most prying eyes of the press. Well played Mr. Biden."

They went on to confirm that with Biden's help more than 9 million illegals' cross the border mostly unopposed and into the open arms of the border patrol after being extorted for millions by the cartels to be led across safely. They also praised "El Presidente' for the opportunity to "export central America's undesirables across the border to relive the jail overcrowding and to help America with it's lack of diversity"

Praise was showered for the "opportunity for lucrative human trafficking of women and unaccompanied children for the benefit of the perverted liberal elites and the criminal underground forced sex work." 

The cartels were especially in praise of El Presidente' Biden and his pups in the media for the ability to quash any suggestion of responsibility on Biden's part for the growing number of deaths on the streets of America from the large quantities of drugs they were able to import during undetected night crossing in the last three years. The fentanyl alone worth millions, was enough to kill every American while border patrol was feeding and babysitting border jumpers. 

With the massive amounts of money Biden has given the Cartels opportunity to make from extortion of illegals and the importation of drugs and child sex slaves, the heavily armed cartels thanked Biden for control of most of northern Mexico and large sections of border.

The communiqué ended with anticipations of continuing non-aggression and good wishes and hopes for even further cooperation in the future. 

~ Thank You Larwyn's Linx@ Doug Ross Journal for the Linkage! ~

I Should Have Listened to the Dog and took a Right Turn at the Red Barn

As a musician, I've played many types of gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I just sat down and started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man I had never met.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. Even the dog. When I finished, I packed up and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I ain't never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

Greta Thunberg Threatens to Hold Her Breath Until Evil World Leaders Capitulate To Her Demands

MFNS - After the utter embarrassment of the uncovering of a recent deleted 2018 tweet predicting the world could no longer be saved in 2023, the provocative pig tailed propaganda purveyor of climate panic, far left activist Greta Thunberg, has put the world on notice that she intends to hold her breath until her climate change demands to stop using fossil fuels are met she told the press.

"I will hold my breath until you evil rat bastards capitulate to my demands. Failure to do so will result in my demise as well as mother Earth and you will burn in HELL! 

Do You Understand!!??"

For a little background:

In June of 2018, the high school dropout tweeted a quote from an article predicting, “climate change will wipe out all of humanity unless we stop using fossil fuels over the next five years.” In other words, the point of no return is 2023. In other words, nothing can be done if we do not stop using fossil fuels by 2023.

Well, if nothing can be done, that means the entire environmental movement might as well pack up and go home.

This is the 54th prediction these enviro-fascists have had to take back. 54 dire predictions about the environment, and not one of them—not one!—has come true. The environmental movement is 0-54. We should all eat bugs, give up our air conditioning, and turn to socialism due to climate change (which is a hoax) because this 0-54 group says so?? What’s more, should we take this weird, little scold who didn’t finish high school seriously? - John Nolte

Greta took no questions as she then excused herself to rush to meet her reservations for a first class, climate controlled private compartment on mass transit powered by fossil fuel produced electricity to continue the fourth year of her 'How Dare You' tour.

And Now a Word From Our Sponsors

Real Leaders Never Quit, Liz—Take It From Us Democrats

Op-Ed by "Anonymous Former Democratic Strategist Not Named James Carville"

What were you thinking, Liz? You quit being prime minister of the UK just because you were a colossal failure? Where’s the logic in that?

In a REAL Democracy, like the one we have here in the United States, Democrat leaders NEVER resign under any circumstances, even if they’ve been caught failing, cheating, or don't have all their mental capacities.

We in the savior Democrat party have had politicians who have openly run epic grifting operation while Secretary of State, who sent pallets with billions of dollars to our enemies, who abused girlfriends and wives, weaponized the nations highest law enforcement agency to spy on journalist, weaponized the IRS against rival political parties. Who rigged election results, trafficked illegal alien minor children while turning a blind eye to historic drug trafficking that's has killed more Americans than the 20 years of the war on terror.  I could go on.....  

The point is, you name it, we’ve done it. But so what? That’s no reason for any of us to resign.

In America, egregious wrongdoings are just a golden opportunity to flood our constituents’ inboxes with pleas for money. Allow us to explain how that works: We do something terrible, and then when someone points it out, we defend ourselves against “slander” and fight back against disgusting rightwing “lies.”

 You see, Liz? When you’re a democrat, they not only let you do it, they reward you for it. Spreading lies and misinformation is just a means to rake in some sweet dollars. Screaming about "Guns" and "Women's Healthcare" (as we call it) is simply a time-honored democrat way to cash in. We’re not joking here — please sign up for our mailing list and see for yourself. Also, remember to give us money every time we do something appalling.  

But with a reliable base of low info voters ensuring that Democrats retain power in any district dominated by a major city containing large concentrations of black folk and suburban wine-box Lindas, there’s absolutely no reason for any Democrat politician ever to be held accountable again, unless they spill the beans about our secret orgies, that is. It’s a win-win situation for Democrats, Liz, whereas you clearly lost. 

It’s a perfect system for us Leftist politicians who can fail, cheat and steal and never have to worry about our jobs. And I think we can all agree that it’s a far better system than the one you have in the UK, where a PM has to give in to a uppity patriarchal mob and resign when they’re a total and abject failure.

Anyway, it’s over now, Liz. You’re not going to be prime minister anymore, and it’s all because you were a terrible prime minister, which is such a silly reason. Maybe you should be more like us. 

Local Woke Businessman Extends Welcome Message To Refugees

Blinkie Carsdale - Owner Operator of Mystical Coffee Bar and Bong Emporium 

My Independent Coffee Shop Welcomes All Refugees

That Can Afford a Seven Dollar Latte 

A MFNS Op-ed by Blinkie Carsdale

The Mystical Coffee Bar is all about coffee and inclusion. That is why our new policy is that all illegal alien refugees are always welcome in our café so long as they can afford at least a seven dollar small latte (cash only).

Owning a small independent coffee shop is about more than just making money. It's about being a part of a community. A community that we would love to welcome you into, just as soon as you decide what drink you would like. I take my role as a community leader very seriously and I am using my abundant trust fund money wisely. I'm not just some uncaring businessman ripping people off. I am fueling the members of my neighborhood with nutritious, earth saving soy and goat cum ingrediencies as they start their day so they can go out and make a difference in the world.

This would probably be a good time to mention each refugee needs to buy his or her own drink if they wish to stay in the café or use the restrooms.

Now I know that our latté’s aren't cheap, especially on a refugee salary, but that's because we pay our workers a fair wage and only use cruelty-free beans in our coffee. We charge more because we are fighting back against an evil capitalistic system that marginalizes common people to enrich the powerful. Moments like these are why I started my own business.

I truly look forward to you coming to the register with your seven dollars (cash only) so I can show you how much The Mystical Coffee Bar supports the downtrodden of our society.  

But I do insist that you not beg our customers for money. It makes them feel uncomfortable.

Joe Biden’s Guide to Life

"Hardly anyone was shocked to learn that President Joe Biden is so cognitively impaired that members of his staff are printing out official note cards with detailed instructions to help him carry out his daily tasks. On Thursday, for example, White House photographers caught a glimpse of a card outlining the "sequence of events" for a discussion about offshore wind energy. "YOU enter the Roosevelt Room and say hello to participants. YOU take YOUR seat," the card instructs."

"In addition to these event-specific note cards, Biden also carries a general "cheat sheet" to help him get through the day without humiliating himself. The Washington Free Beacon has exclusively obtained a copy of this official document. It is published below in full to ensure that OUR democracy DOES NOT die in darkness. Enjoy!"

READ MORE

And Now a Word From the President:

Happy Fourth of July. America can be defined in a single word. Listen:pic.twitter.com/A3Xha2hp3Z

— Ian Miles Cheong (@stillgray) July 4, 2022

NSA Warns of Being Overwhelmed by 'Birthing Person Day' Messages

 General Paul M. Nakasone - Director, National Security Agency / Chief Central Scrutinizer

MFNS - Washington, DC-- The NSA announced Friday in a closed door meeting with the House Homeland Security Committee that the agency once again expects to be overwhelmed by the email, text and telephone traffic on 'Birthing Person Day' this Weekend.

Taking time out of the Homeland Security Committee's Jan 6th Kabuki Theater, N.S.A. director General Paul Nakasone told the committee that tracking of over 110 million text messages and emails will tax our limits of capacity for information gathering on Americans, adding to the agencies normal heavy load of domestic taps".

While General Nakasone added "while the amount of traffic intercepted may fall short of the 130 million 'Birthing Persons Sexual Partner's Day' messages collected by the N.S.A. last June during the pandemic, the NSA still has a backlog of unread messages to be read." 

He added "we also collected in the neighborhood of two to three million such e-mails from angry Birthing Persons last year who failed to hear from their children."

The director stated while the agency had not foiled any terror plots in their info gathering lately, they did uncover between twenty and thirty thousand extramarital relationships.

Mystery Disease May Affect One in Nearly Every Human Being

By MFNS Medical Correspondent

Dr. J. Humple Squeed III - MD PhD & BMF

It is known by many names: Common Fulgent Peplepsia, Magnate’s Curiosity Disease, Pendleton’s Old Forthwith, Partial Suggestive Consumption, Abraham’s Pitchpole, The Widow Confuser, The Belching Flirts, Pre-Seasonal Objective Disorder, Knackered’s Delight, and The Kisin Cyster, but one thing is universally known: Aparalytic Contradysfunctional Exoficial Disorder, or 'ACED', affects one in nearly every human being in the world. Yes, it is that widespread.

Forty years ago, even ten years ago, but for a brief period six years ago, ACED was never diagnosed. Just as people with ADHD were once labeled hyperactive, or overly impulsive, or inattentive, or, medically speaking, “kind of annoying,” people with what we now call ACED were once written off as easily barked, or simple, or self-neutering, or just… slightly, among other things. Today research tells us that ACED is a complicated, confusing, often misdiagnosed disease.  

And we know that the more researchers learn, the less we realize we know more, which in itself may be a sign that the researchers themselves have ACED. What we do know about ACED is that there are more questions than answers. Questions such as: What are the symptoms of ACED? How can it be treated? Will insurance pay for treatment? Should your child go to a school just for ACED kids? What if your doctor says you or someone you love or have fantasized about has ACED? What if your doctor has ACED and wants to sell it to you? What do you do if a teacher says your child has ACED, or if a teacher says he or she is gay?

This guide can’t answer all those questions, but you, extrapolating from this guide, should be able to answer those questions. If you can’t, you may have ACED. This guide will, however, not help you learn how to cut through the red tape and get what you need from doctors, teachers, schools, healthcare providers, coaches, employers, mid-level management, your local postal worker, security personnel, unlicensed hypnotherapists, or the Federal Emergency Management Association.

So, what are the symptoms of ACED?

Symptoms run the gamut from 0 to Z. Among them are: confusion; calm to violent moods; slumping between thoughts; using the hands to form symbols or signs of greeting; being needlessly anecdotal, secretly apocryphal, or involuntarily topical. People with ACED also often show signs of wariness, didactic toiletry, stringent obsessive abstrusity, or malfeasant sweating. Overnight, a seemingly happy, healthy person suddenly wakes to find their nipples imperceptibly smaller, foods taste longer, and that someone named Wilson has borrowed their pants.

Is ACED contagious?

Researchers say ACED is not contagious. This from the World Health Organization:

“ACED is absolutely non-communicable’ — is what we’ll tell the general public because we don’t want to start a worldwide panic by revealing that it is, in fact, absurdly contagious. Remember to redact all but the first bit of this statement.”

I think I have been exposed to ACED. What should I do?

• Drink plenty of water.
• Cook meat and poultry thoroughly.
• Immediately wash your clothing in a mixture of salt water, vinegar, and regret.
• Check your skin for redness, itching, bumps, wrinkles, pores, follicles, and general stretchability. Note any changes. Remove any skin that is not your own.
• Run for 20 miles in an attempt to “out-run” the virus. 

I think I have ACED. What should I do?

• Call 911 but be vague, so as not to cause a panic.
• Find someone to spend the rest of your life with, even someone irritating at this point.
• Elevate your feet above your heart.
• Urinate on exposed areas. 
• Meditate to reduce anxiety and keep you from focusing on certain death.
• Drive to the nearest emergency room. Ask for Tess. If no one named Tess is employed there, wait. There will be.
• Think about what you could have done with your life if only you had been someone else.
• Cook meat and poultry thoroughly.

Is it OK to go on vacation with ACED? 

Yes. If you want to ruin everyone else’s vacation.

Does ACED impair driving?

Don’t know.

Will ACED make it difficult for my child to make friends?

Don’t know.

Do bullies pick on kids with ACED?

Probably. We would.

Will ACED medication interfere with my other medications? 

How much fun will I have finding out?

There are currently no medications clinically approved to treat ACED. We suggest trying various combinations of existing medicines. That’s what we did while writing this guide.

What if my initials are ACED? Does that mean I have it? 

Stands to reason.

I still don’t understand exactly what ACED is. Is that a sign that I have it?

If we had to guess? Yeah.

This guide doesn’t really make sense. Is it possible that the author has ACED?

Cook meat and poultry thoroughly.