In spring 2012, at the beginning of the presidential primary campaign season, we at DMF saw no candidate with an ability or worthiness to defeat incumbent Barky Obama. Then out of the blue came a man of the people, one who we believed had what it took to pull America back from the brink. That man was Linden Phuken Borden.
Unfortunately, both the Romney and Obama campaigns smeared and lied in the media about Mr. Borden and he was excluded from any debates, failing to gain traction.
Now, in 2024, Linden Borden is back. Flush with money from the sale of his boat building empire, he sees both Democrat and Republican nominees unacceptable. We believe it is his time to save America.
By the Board of Diogenes' Middle Finger & Middle Finger News Service
Linden Borden is a Harry Truman type character. Only five foot two inches in stature, but of strong Viking stock, the Presidential Candidate is a self-sufficient small businessman; a boat builder by trade from the wilds of Minnesota. His business savvy and understanding of the needs of small business is sorely missing from the present candidates.
His strong suit is his understanding of simple economics: You can't spend more than you take in. Borden knows how to wield a mean ax, and plans to lay waste to the bloated federal budget and stop the idiotic wasteful spending. The present candidates see billions as chump change, Linden Borden sees that as the problem.
The almost unbelievable ground swell of support we witnessed on College Campuses as well as in Bingo Parlors and Burger Doodles all over Minnesota last week make us believe Linden Borden is poised to explode in a major breakout and begin a march to the head of the polls. All across the state, from the prestigious environmentally conscious, cutting edge 'Cannabis Technological Institute' to the 'State School for the Blind and Infirm', to the historic ' Mae West Academy for Wayward Nymphomaniacs', we witnessed grassroots support we haven't seen since the Dukakis campaign.
We at Diogenes Middle Finger think it's Linden Borden's time to shine, and wholeheartedly endorse his 2024 Presidential Candidacy.
Mr. Borden has surrounded himself with some impressive advisors, the likes of the eccentric but knowledgeable Professor Ichabod Butouski of the Minnesota State Junior College Ethnic Physics Department, Will Profit, CEO of Capitalist Preservation and Texas State Chairman for CTFBA (Cut the F**king Budget Already Campaign), Snags Fitch, Grand Lizard of the St. Paul Masonic Elks Optimist Club and Sequela Butts, contemporary poet and rummage expert. His intended Cabinet nominees we find also impressive. Announced as his potential Commerce Secretary is English born Marvin Ashcott Hayes, the somewhat eccentric Minnesota Tampon Magnate, and for Transportation Secretary, Link Pilsner, former outlaw biker leader and expert on the nation's back roads and highway systems.
On Foreign Policy, we here at Diogenes Middle Finger unfortunately do not agree with Candidate Borden's insistence on nuking Guatemala in retaliation for his 1981 conviction (later overturned) for importing Toupees made from hair of endangered species, but do feel his views will be tempered by his choice for Secretary of State, Klash Bazbo, who should be over the ugly head wound accidentally suffered in a Viking Pillage Raid Reenactment on a Wisconsin girl's school, and over physical therapy in time to be confirmed.
The only possible problem we see with presently announced Cabinet choices in Congressional Confirmation Hearings could be the pick for Attorney General, Vincent “The Toe" Plemoso. Mr. Plemoso is a business exc. and expert on Law and the Federal Correction System, having been through it many times.
