Saturday, January 30, 2016

The Rapper and The Planetarium Gift Shop Manager Battle It Out Over the Flat Earth Theory

They Be Dissing All Up In Here

While everyone is absorbed and distracted by the every present political bitch-slapping and media driven nonsense of the presidential primary season that has begun to take on the trappings of a Marx Brothers movie, on the outskirts of reality there has been other less serious but humorous battles taking place. 

Seems a 9th grade dropout / rap artist named  B.o.B. apparently believes that the world is flat, and that the highly entertaining  celebrity Planetarium Gift Shop Manager and media personality, Neil deGrasse Tyson, (who recently took to tweeter to show his trouble discerning the fact adding spaceships to a medieval style mythical story of  a boy joining up with an old wizard to save a princess from evil's grasp, is not science) is in fact  part of a vast secret scientific conspiracy to hide the fact of earth's flatness from the ignorant populous. 

That idea may come as a surprise to every astronaut and cosmonaut who has orbited the Earth, but as with most conspiracy theories, flat eartherism is impervious to facts and reason.

In what has to be the weirdest rap battle in history,  the Atlanta rapper released a “diss track” called “Flatline” in which he compared himself to Malcolm X. and calls out Tyson for his belief in a round earth.  The musical salvo elicited a response in the form of another diss track called “Flat to Fact” launched at B.o.B. by Tyson and his nephew, rapper Stephen Tyson.

Rapper B.o.B. and the Planetarium Gift Shop Manager

The diss track B.o.B. launched makes fun of Tyson’s clothing choices, among other things.

"Neil Tyson need to loosen up his vest
They'll probably write that man one hell of a check."
No doubt glad of the media exposure and the opportunity to connect with the rap community that has been woefully underserved by science education, Tyson and his nephew issued a cheeky response.
“I think it's very clear, that Bobby didn't read enough
And he's believing all this conspiracy theory stuff
Are these all of your thoughts or is the loud talkin?"
Diss tracks, in various forms, have been around since the ancient Irish bards. Angering an Irish musician was not something you did if you knew what was good for you. The music performed by some of those ancient musicians was said to have such power that it could cause inclement weather and make livestock sicken and die. Modern rappers have to resort to drive-by shootings when they get cross with someone.

She's Sorry.....No Really, She's Sorry.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Proper Inflation is Always a Good Practice

B.H.Obama’s Government Job Exit Interview


The latest trend in the world of human resources is the so-called exit interview. In theory, it gives a departing employee an opportunity to express their grievances while at the same time providing useful feedback to the employer.

 After a slight miscalculation (and resulting disappearance of a small portion of the nearby population) the MFNS Time Machine is once again in working order, and we were able to reach into the future and grab some historic government document of interest. Among the recent cache of files we came across the Exit Interview of one government employee......

Executive Branch Human Resources Dept.
  Form 2148/2700B-5 - Exit Interview:  
Barack H. Obama - 44th President - Jan 5, 2017:

What is your main reason for leaving your employment?

"Basically, my failure in both nullifying the 2016 election and ramming through an amendment allowing me a third and fourth term, which I thought was only fair considering all my predecessors were white folks."

Did anything trigger your decision to leave?

"The deadline of January 20, 2017 obviously has a lot to do with it but, getting away from those crazy Republicans and getting Joe Biden out of my hair came in a real close second."

What was most satisfying about your job?

"Sleeping late and being the leader of the most powerful nation on Earth......and working in a building big enough to get away from Michelle most of the day." 

What was the least satisfying thing about your job?

"Being made fun of by that bully Alex Putin. 

Did your job duties turn out to be as you expected?

"A big NO on that one. I thought I’d be entertaining celebrities and eating good and setting a legislative agenda to help guide America's future. I didn't expect that I'd spending so much of my time meeting with foreign leaders and their fat ass wives I never heard of and couldn't understand a word they were saying.

Did you receive adequate training to do your job?

"Well, I never took lessons, but I did get to play with some of the best golfers in the world" 

Did you receive sufficient feedback about your performance?

You kiddin'? Ever listen to talk radio?

Were you able to fulfill your career goals?

"Not really. I always wanted to be a point guard for the Bulls."

What would you change to make your workplace better?

"Close down the House of Representatives and the Supreme Court. Seriously, though, how about shutting down the House and the Supreme Court?"

Did any policies or procedures make your job more difficult?

"Yes, the Constitution often got in the way of what I wanted to accomplish. Also, I wasn't always a big fan of the judicial system."

Would you consider working again for this employer?

"Well, obviously I can’t be President anymore, and Hillary's Supreme Court Justice idea ain't gonna happen, but I might try and get on at the DMV or something.  But after the riots, my Health-care reforms being overturned, those &$@# damn Mexicans turning on me and my party....not to mention that little thing with the male intern, I don't think that's going to happen."

Did anyone discriminate against you, harass you or cause hostile working conditions?

"Two words....McConnell and Boehner !"

Based on your experience, what do you think it takes to succeed in your position?

"Probably a “coup d’etat.” Am I still allowed to say “coup d’etat”?

 What did you like most about your job?

"Flying around on Air Force One.... with the private and untraceable Internet connection. Man. you could stream any kind of videos you could want......if you get my drift?"

What did you like least about your job?

"Dealing with  that frickin' Netanyahu.... and Putin's damn gay comments on my Facebook page.....and Pelois farting in Leadership meetings all the time....and Harry Reid's nose hairs, and Biden babbling about the squirrels outside on the lawn..."

Mr. President...

.....and Michelle bitchin' about me sneaking a smoke on the terrace... and Boehner drinking up all the oval office booze....and Valerie Jarrett kicking me under the table in cabinet meets....and Barney Frank's naked pictures in his Christmas cards....and "

Mr. President!

 Before leaving, did you consider a transfer?

"Yes, many times I considered transferring Joe Biden."

Do you have any tips or advice to help your replacement?

"Yes! Replace the mattress in the White House residence. Seriously, replace it!  If that thing could talk!

Other than that, I think President-Elect Trump needs no advise from me."

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Grandma Clinton's Private Server

If You Wanted to Destroy Conservatism

by Noah Rothman

If you wanted to destroy conservatism – not merely to shatter the Republican Party’s governing coalition, but to break up and discredit the conservative movement itself – how would you go about it?

First, you would have to begin by dismantling its most cherished assumptions. Foremost among them is perhaps that the United States of America is a center-right nation. Only the most cynical would judge the country’s political orientation by the affiliations of its president or, for that matter, its governors or the politicians who make up the majority in its legislatures. The foundation of the presumption that America is a conservative nation is in the values of its peoples.

The notion that the United States is, at root, a conservative nation rests in the belief that its people are hearty, noble, and industrious. That they cherish hard work and believe productivity and inventiveness deserve to be rewarded over accidents of birth. That Americans do not believe the public sector should be the font from which spring, but that the people are the primary sources of compassion and altruism. You would attack the notion that conservatives believe, above all else, in the preservation of every privilege enshrined into the Bill of Rights. And you would attack it by virtue of And you would attack it by virtue of your own example.

Then, you might undermine the central hypothesis at the core of the American experiment itself: that all the people can unite, not around tribal affinity or class associations, but around an idea. The idea, that mankind is fit for self-governance, and that it need not look toward a ruling caste of elites to manage national affairs. You might expose the central divisions within conservatism by exacerbating internal disagreements over the execution of American foreign policy objectives. You might suggest that the value of Fortress America is not merely the preservation of American security, but of meting out a sort of cosmic justice for those born into poverty, authoritarianism, and savagery abroad. Maybe those poor souls deserve their Hobbesian lot, you’d imply strongly. And the crowds would cheer.  

From here, you’d target the contradictions within the conservative governing coalition. You could stoke class consciousness and persecution complexes among those who have been left behind as a result of unstoppable global economic forces. You would nurture in them the idea that their unhappy fates were not of their own making. You would show the world conclusively that the economic program offered by countless conservative scions is not all that popular – even among conservatives. The curious subset to whom you have appealed would demonstrate their antipathy for basic conservative programs like small government, a private health care system, a reduced tax burden on the most productive sectors of society, frugality, and the moral imperative of bequeathing unto the next generation a manageable debt burden. You would marry class and racial suspicion with a program that promises even more unsustainable benefits, for which children not yet born will pay.  

Having made virtues of consumption and extravagance, you would then seek to short-circuit the conservative movement’s moral compass. You might pay lip service to scruples, but you would also compel your followers to defend your own excesses. You would deemphasize the importance of private property rights, and, in doing so, reject among the most animating beliefs of the nation’s Founders. You would compel opportunistic faith leaders to join you, even as you demonstrate the hollowness of their allegedly principled belief in the sanctity of marriage or the incontestable idea of all God’s children deserve the the gift of life.

You would promote vanity. You would sow conflict and disunity. You would destigmatize crassness and vulgarity, and you would flirt with the notion that violence is an acceptable tool to achieve political ends.

You would never forgive. You would always harbor grudges, and you would threaten and seek vengeance for even the most minor of perceived slights. You would surround yourself with like-minds who place little value in the art of refined communication, and you would make hypocrites of the conservative movement’s heroes.  

Finally, you would destroy the conservative movement’s last pillars of unity: its common media. You would pit its intellectual leaders against its most captivating orators. “Nationalism and populism have overtaken conservatism in terms of appeal,” one of conservatism’s beloved communicators might say. You would succeed where the most divisive presidential administration in living memory failed and target the only bastion of true conservative thought on the cable dial. You and your supporters would make allies of those who do not have the conservative movement’s best wishes at heart, while turning your supporters against those who do.

When you were through, you would have rendered the conservatism a political orientation guided not by undying ideas but by one infinitely fallible man. Whether or not you win something as trite as an election, you would have succeeded where so many thousands had failed. You would have destroyed the American conservative movement.

But why would anyone want to go and do that?

[Commentary Magazine]

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Leonardo DiCaprio Offered Role As Vladimir Lenin in Russian Propaganda Movie

Russia's 'Lenfilm' film studio has responded to Leonardo DiCaprio's statement of interest in playing a Russian public figure by offering to collaborate with the actor in a film about everyone's favorite Commie, Vladimir Lenin.

Bernie Sanders supporters in Hollywood must be excited.

While Little Leo's Oscar snubs have become the butt of a long-standing joke, many predict that he'll finally take home a gold statue for his two and a half hour grunting session  in 'The Revenant '.  And his nominated performance hasn't gone unnoticed by our Russia friends, who  seemed to have liked watching Leo freeze his ass off trying to get noticed.

St. Petersburg based studio'Lenfilm' has offered Leonardo DiCaprio the chance to star as a young Vladimir Lenin in a film about the revolutionary, after the actor gave an interview where he expressed interest in portraying Lenin, Rasputin or Russian President Vladimir Putin. Leonardo DiCaprio is often compared to Lenin in his youth. We have enough scenery and props to recreate the era of the revolution," Lenfilm spokesman Valeriy Karlov  
The Lenfilm studio is the oldest in Russia, which traces its roots back to 1914 when a local military committee in St. Petersburg started making films. In 1918 the studio expanded to become the St. Petersburg Film Committee and opened 68 cinemas in the city; after two decades it was renamed 'Lenfilm.'

On Sunday DiCaprio, who has recently received his sixth Oscar nomination for his role in 'The Revenant,' told German newspaper Welt on Sonntag that he would like to play Vladimir Putin in a film someday. 
According to Leo, we’ll all be underwater in a few hundred years, but at least he’s making international relations less hostile for the short time humankind has left.

No word out of Hollywood if any of the famous show business lefties have expressed interest in playing any of the hundreds of thousands killed during the ruthless Lenin Regime......  

Monday, January 25, 2016

Can you believe that we’re both sitting in this Oval Office?

Some talentless rapper named Kendrick Lamar and Barack Obama shared a powerful moment at the White House 
“Can you believe that we’re both sitting in this Oval Office?”

The first black president and a prominent(?)rapper were recently pondering the power of their positions. To understand the significance of the moment, look no further than Lamar’s critically acclaimed sophomore album, “To Pimp A Butterfly.” Immediately notable is the subversive cover art featuring the Compton, California, rapper in front of the White House, surrounded by a bloc of young black men, pulsating a jubilant, defiant black energy. The group crowds around a dead white judge with a gavel in his hand, symbolizing the criminal justice system.

Enjoy it while you can you no-talent Scumbag. It will be a long time before there will be one who looks like you to sit in the Leaders Chair after what your America loathing boy Barack has done to help bring out the worst in your race, and done to the country. 

Creaming For Bernie

A Good Monday Morning

Saturday, January 23, 2016

ObamaCare to Rollout Auction Surgeries To Lowest Bidder

MFNS - With concerns over rising health care cost and outrageous insurance premium hikes, a new voluntary addition to the ObamaCare reform act to help keep cost manageable has been announced by HHS Secretary Sylvia Mathews Burwell and a White House committee on Health Care headed by Vice President Joe Biden. 

"Let Us Help Us" (LUHU) would create a health care auction house, where everything from simple dental procedures and mental health counseling to organ transplantation could be submitted and bid on. A person with a high deductible looking to lower the cost of a procedure like having their gall bladder removed, could fill out an online form and have any number of bids to sift through within a matter of minutes.

"We call it Let Us Help Us, and we think it will revolutionize the way we seek health care in this country," Rep. Billy Long (D-MO) one of the initiative's authors, told reporters at a press conference. "It embraces the essence of the free market system, without the oppressive hand of government regulation Republicans whine about so much.

"It's like eBay for sick folks. This is a real neighbor helping neighbor system we've developed, and it could be a real boon to veterinarians, and some non-health care professionals with special skills to help take up the slack and make a few bucks on the side," said Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Cal), another LUHU supporter.

"People looking to help the sick will be able to search the LUHU website by malady, region, even keyword," noted Sen. Boxer. "We envision neighbors teaming up with neighbors to create co-ops to heal the sick. How much good could a seamstress/wood carver/sausage stuffer co-op achieve helping America's growing trans-gender community by doing sex change operations?  With this addition to ObamaCare, we'll find out."

Reaction to the Democrat public option plan has been mixed, with 23% of those polled suggesting they'd take up arms to see it implemented. A less-vocal majority have expressed some concern over farming their health care out to the lowest  bidder.

"I bought a lamp on eBay last year, and that thing sucked," said one woman. "It looked great online, though. Do I really want to trust my hip replacement to a system like that?"

Others see benefits in the open market approach the Democrats have laid out.

"I'm hoping they let illegal Mexicans in the program. That only seems fair, to let them illegals in," said Dr. Shabang X,  personal physician to Leader of the Nation of Islam,  Louis Farrakhan . "I'd be low bid, man. Ever' time."

The first test for the Democrats public option plan will come later this week, when the plan's authors will meet with insurance company CEOs to try and shore up support among Blue Dog and other moderate democrats. With sufficient backing, the 'Let Us Help Us' marketplace could be instituted later this year.

Former NYC Mayor Bloomdouche Contemplates Presidential Run

Just What We Need, Another Wealthy Leftist Crackpot Who Wants to Be King 

NYT- Mr. Bloomberg, the billionaire former mayor of New York City, has in the past contemplated running for the White House on a third-party ticket, but always concluded he could not win. A confluence of unlikely events in the 2016 election, however, has given new impetus to his presidential aspirations.

Mr. Bloomberg, 73, has already taken concrete steps toward a possible campaign, and has indicated to friends and allies that he would be willing to spend at least $1 billion of his fortune on it, according to people briefed on his deliberations who spoke on the condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss his plans. He has set a deadline for making a final decision in early March, the latest point at which advisers believe Mr. Bloomberg could enter the race and still qualify to appear as an independent candidate on the ballot in all 50 states.

He has retained a consultant to help him explore getting his name on those ballots, and his aides have done a detailed study of past third-party bids. Mr. Bloomberg commissioned a poll in December to see how he might fare against Mr. Trump and Mrs. Clinton, and he intends to conduct another round of polling after the New Hampshire primary on Feb. 9 to gauge whether there is indeed an opening for him, according to two people familiar with his intentions.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Pentagon Unable to Explain How $800 Million Program in Afghanistan Failed

ACC- Nobody knows where all the money went. The guy running the program said he just approved projects without having any idea how much they were going to cost.

Nothing like having a pile of taxpayer money to play with I say. No need to be exact. Hell, no need to even be remotely competent apparently. Just write those checks and dump them into that giant hole in the Kandahar Desert.
“Founding director Paul Brinkley told SIGAR that as TFBSO director, he approved programs without knowing what they would cost… Since April 2015, DOD has stated that since Congress ended funding for TFBSO, the Department does not have the expertise, authority, or funding to respond to investigations related to TFBSO activities in Afghanistan,” reports Bronstein. “DOD’s responses to SIGAR requests since March 2015 raises a question whether TFBSO operated independent of any internal DOD management and oversight.”
“The stated failure of the Department to retain any institutional knowledge, and its apparent failure to seek input from what institutional knowledge remained at DOD, indicates a fundamental lack of planning that has resulted in adverse effects on oversight and accountability” he adds. “This failure inhibits oversight of the activities of a Task Force that obligated approximately $760 million.”  
Of the nearly $823 million that Congress had appropriated since 2009 for the program in Afghanistan as of September 30, 2015, nearly $760 million was obligated and about $640 million has been disbursed.

Fishnet Friday

Thursday, January 21, 2016

The Kookiest Idea Yet For Getting Guns Off the Streets

ACC - A new idea being pushed by gun control advocates hellbent in their beliefs that firearms, not the criminals who use them, are the real dangers to society has pushed the limits of absurdity to all new levels.

Officials in Tacoma, Washington want people to drop off guns the same way we drop of library books. By placing gun “drop boxes” into residential neighborhoods –specifically away from police presence– the city hopes that the lack of police oversight will encourage people turn in guns.

No, this is not a joke. The world of stupid ideas is stacked with notables, but its entirely possible this one may take home the All-Time Champion award.

Tacoma Police Chief Don Ramsdell defended the idea saying:
“The main intent and goal is just to get these weapons off the streets.”
Melissa Cordeiro, Gang Reduction Project Coordinator for Tacoma, also defended the idea stating: 
“It takes out the up-front interaction with law enforcement. They would just have to drop the gun off and later law enforcement would swing by and pick it up out of the drop box.” 
Commentary from the sane side of the isle has chimed in too. Tacoma Police Union President Sgt. Jim Barrett made (obvious) observations about the usefulness of the boxes:
“Are we really expecting these people to walk down the street to this drop box, with the gun tucked in their shorts, and drop it off?” he asked, “It doesn’t seem to me to be a well thought-out process as of right now.” 
The amount of lunacy and number of flaws surrounding this idea are too numerous to count, but here’s a few:

Expecting a criminal, someone who uses a gun for illegal activity, to simply turn theirs in thereby diminishing their own job performance prospects is ludicrous. It’s like asking an Uber driver to turn in their oil filter, yes you can still go to work but you just voluntarily made things a lot harder on yourself. Even if the idea were realistic the criminal could sell, pawn or find another way to get rid of the gun in exchange for money or something of value as opposed to just voluntarily giving it away.

Legal gun owners would also opt to sell their firearms instead of just throwing them away. For those convinced this idea would take off the streets — in what universe is placing a box full of guns somewhere away from police eyes a good idea? So here you’d have a box, no matter how secure, that criminals know:
a) Has guns in it
b) Has specifically been placed in an area void of police (to encourage people to use the box)
Talk about “lead me not into temptation". Ideas this bad don’t come around everyday but when they do you can bet your bottom dollar on this; they’re the brainchildren of liberal politicians and bureaucrats who are driven by their ideological notions of a utopian society.

Florida Caveman Wants to Be United States Senator

It’s Nice to Want Things

Floridian Troglodyte (homograycian)

Rep. Alan Grayson may be married to a bigamist. He’s compared the Tea Party to the KKK. He also wants to replace Marco Rubio in the Senate. Republicans couldn't be more thrilled.

Daily Beast
Alan Grayson is prone to making the type of outrageous comments on cable television that would make you squirm if they came from your drunk uncle at a family dinner. He is currently in the middle of a trial to determine if his wife is a bigamist and if they were ever even legally married. The trial is being delayed because her breast implants are leaking. And, besides all that, Grayson is a United States congressman considering a run for Senate.
 Grayson, who was just elected to his third term on Capitol Hill, has cast himself as a progressive champion. The Orlando-area Democrat has spent much of his second stint in Congress—he lost in the Tea Party wave of 2010 after his first election in 2008 and then won an open seat in 2012 after redistricting.
 he is best known for making bombastic, controversial remarks. He has compared the Tea Party to the KKK, alleged that Ted Cruz was ineligible to run for president, and claimed that the Republican alternative to Obamacare was encouraging the sick to die quickly. He also ran an ad in 2010 in which he compared his Republican opponent to the Taliban.  

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Your Tantrums Are Wearing Kinda Thin......

“We have to make up our minds. Either we want to have segregation or integration and if we don’t want segregation, then we need to get rid of channels like BET and the BET Awards and the Image Awards, where you’re only awarded if you’re black. If it were the other way around, we would be up in arms. It’s a double standard.” - Stacey Dash
She's right. The fact of the matter is that black actors claiming to fight for “fairness” don’t really want it. What they want is to win, and in their alleged pursuit of what THEY call equality, all they’re really doing is being complicit in this little thing known as racism. They just want to win; plain and simple. Since they haven’t recently, they are looking for someone to blame, rather than looking at their work and evaluating what may have kept them from an Academy Award nomination. 

Maybe someone should have nominated the real Best Black Actors performances of the year:

Obama's Lawlessness Fuels Civil Disobedience and Record Government Distrust

CFIF - If Barack Obama refuses to follow the rule of law, how can he expect others to do so? 

That's a disturbing but perfectly legitimate question to raise as each day witnesses another scheme by the Obama Administration to circumvent established laws and constitutional mandates, and as an increasing sense of lawless chaos prevails both domestically and abroad.

Just how bad has the situation become? Two new Gallup surveys cast a worrisome scene.

When asked to name the nation's greatest threat as we enter the 2016 presidential election year, Americans by a record margin overwhelmingly say "big government." Particularly notable is the fact that the percentage of respondents holding that position has skyrocketed from 53% when Barack Obama entered office to 69% today. Thus, the man who so desperately endeavored to reverse Ronald Reagan's legacy by convincing Americans to welcome governmental power over our lives has ironically accomplished the direct opposite effect through his actions.
"A staggering 75% of the American public believe corruption is 'widespread' in the U.S. government. Not incompetence, but corruption. This alarming figure has held steady since 2010, up from 66% in 2009... Protests are growing in cities and campuses all around the country. Students and citizens have generally lost faith in their national institutions - the biggest and most powerful of which is, of course, the federal government."
When Obama entered office, he possessed an overwhelming majority in the House of Representatives, and a filibuster-proof Senate majority. Accordingly, he could have introduced any among his litany of extremist proposals on whatever issues he wanted - climate change, labor unions, gun control, immigration, closing of Guantanamo, treaties with Iran or anything else. 

But he didn't.

Only when his own actions created a backlash and caused Americans to elect Republican House and Senate majorities not seen since the 1920s did Obama miraculously find it appropriate to begin imposing his agenda by extra-constitutional means. 

Obama has infamously behaved just as lawlessly in other areas, such as unilaterally declaring the Senate to be in "recess" when only it has the power to do so, the swap of hardened terrorists for deserter Bowe Bergdahl in violation of his explicit duty to inform Congress beforehand, arbitrarily suspending and imposing ObamaCare regulations for political purposes, job-killing and punitive environmental regulations, IRS persecution of conservative organizations and now a commitment to impose gun regulations that he could have introduced into Congress back when he possessed overwhelming Democratic majorities.

Throughout his presidency, Obama has simply chosen to disregard constitutional and political constraints in order to impose his agenda. It can therefore come as no surprise that increasing instances of reciprocal lawlessness and disrespect for his own authority pop up everywhere from domestically to the Middle East to Ukraine to the South China Sea. He cannot expect others to demonstrate a respect that he himself does not show.

This nation was founded by men far wiser than Obama in the philosophy of individual freedom, not government fiat. Candidates hoping to enter the White House in one year would do well to understand that reality, and Americans increasingly disgusted and alarmed by government overreach would do well to translate their sentiments into electoral action.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

The Democratic Party Problem:

We have a special problem in the United States, which is that the Democratic party is more of a crime syndicate than a political party, and it is deeply embedded in institutions ranging from the universities (where manufactured hate crimes and phony rape cases are used as political weapons) to the prosecutors' offices (which bully law-enforcement personnel and file specious felony charges against politicians for such ordinary actions as vetoing legislation) to the unions (see California) and the schools. It doesn't matter how many laws Hillary Rodham Clinton breaks, or how often she lies about it -- the attorney general is a Democrat, and that's that. Tom DeLay can be brought up on felony charges for allegedly having broken a law that wasn't even on the books at the time he was said to have broken it (the case was eventually laughed out of court, after it had ended his political career, which was the point) but IRS criminal conspirator Lois Lerner is going to spend the rest of her days enjoying a fat pension at your expense."Kevin D. Williamson, National Review 

Joe Biden: The High School Years

Li’l Donald

Mrs. Abernathy called the roomful of eleven-year-olds to order and told them to open their math books to page thirty-one. Her eyes scanned the class and came to rest on a stocky boy beneath a dome of golden hair, who was making grotesque faces at a girl.

“Donald! What is the square root of a hundred and forty-four?”

The boy turned his attention to the teacher with sleepy-eyed indifference. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“What is the square root of a hundred and forty-four?”

“Do I know the square root of a hundred and forty-four? Is that what you’re asking me? Of course I do. It’s absurd that you would even ask me that.”

“Please tell the class what it is.”

“You want ME to tell the class? Excuse me—aren’t you supposed to be the teacher? I think we can all agree that, if anyone around here is going to tell the class the square root of a hundred and forty-four, you should be the one to do it. If you even know the square root of a hundred and forty-four—which, frankly, I have my doubts.”

This last phrase was delivered to three boys sitting across the aisle from the blond boy. They giggled.

“Do you know the answer, Donald?”

“Do I know the answer? Lady, I am super-smart. My I.Q. is, like, many multiples of the square root of a hundred and forty-four. Beyond anything you have seen in this grammar school, believe me.”

“Then you can tell us the square root of a hundred and forty-four.”

“Listen, I know the square root of a hundred and forty-four. I have known it for YEARS.”

“What is it?”

Sunday, January 17, 2016

DMF Endorsement For President of the United States

The Board of Middle Finger News Service

As we look upon the coming primary season soon to begin, the prospects are not pleasant in our eyes. On one side, we see a corrupt lying Grandmother, with a lecherous spouse, who is running for the nations highest office while the specter of indictment for high crimes and misdemeanors hang over her head.  Pitted against her a mumbling wild haired communist hippie left behind by the 1960's. Neither are our cup of tea in any fashion.
And as the Republican side is for all intent and purpose down to two major candidates, one of which will soon be ruled ineligible because of birth, and the GOPe establishment's ongoing conspiracy to rig the game and deny the nomination to the second in favor of their own RINO stooge, we are forced to look for a viable candidate to support elsewhere.  

In the past few days, talk has been swirling in some political circles of a dark-horse candidate who has floated a trial balloon to see if there's a possibility of wide spread support. After much yelling and debate, we at DMF/ MFNS have, with further investigation and discussion decided to back this dark-horse: MFNS's Own Earl of Taint.

Earl is a simple man of integrity, not a political insider. He believes the government should get the Hell out of the way and leave us alone. His strong suit is his understanding of simple economics: You can't spend more than you take in and we need to stop the idiotic wasteful spending.   We see Earl as twisted enough to scare our enemies, and we know he will not have any empty sexual harassment allegations leveled at him as some candidates have in the past because as far as we know, no women have gone near him in years.

We at DMF / Middle Finger News Service firmly believe in an Earl of Taint candidacy, and wholeheartedly endorse his campaign for the Presidency.

It has come to us that he has visited with some potential advisers with impressive credentials, including the likes of the eccentric but knowledgeable Professor Marvin Butouski of the South Eastern Central State Junior College Ethnic Physics Department, and Snags Fitch, Grand Poobah of the Texas Masonic Elks Optimist Club.  His potential Cabinet appointees we find also impressive. Mentioned as a possible pick for Commerce Secretary is English born Harold Ashcott Hayes lll, the billionaire Texas Tampon Magnate, and for Transportation Secretary, Link Pilsner, former outlaw biker and expert on the nation's back roads and highway systems.

On Foreign Policy, we here at Middle Finger News Service unfortunately do not agree with Earl's long standing insistence on overthrowing the government of Paraguay in retaliation for his 1991 conviction (later overturned) for importing Toupees made from hair of endangered species. We do feel his world views would be tempered by his close friend and possible choice for Secretary of State, Klash Bazbo, who should be over the ugly head wound suffered in a recent bar confrontation political debate, and out of physical therapy in time to be confirmed.

The only possible problem we see with presently put forward Cabinet choices in Congressional Conformation Hearings could be the pick for Attorney General, Vincent “The Knee" Carbuzio. Mr.
Carbuzio is a Houston businessman and expert on Law and the Federal Correction System, having been through it many times.

The Editorial Board of Middle Finger News endorses Mr. Taint because we too believe it's time to cut the crap and get the government off our backs. We also believe this is the first and most important endorsement of The Earl of Taint for President Campaign, with many to follow in our steps.

( NOTE: If you have any suggestions for a Taint Campaign Slogan, please leave them in the comments.)

Saturday, January 16, 2016

The Tweeter-in-Chief: @POTUS Hosts a Twitter Q&A
President Obama took to Twitter to engage Americans on the real progress we've made to move our country forward and discuss how we can continue taking action to address the challenges and opportunities in the years ahead. After a town hall at McKinley High School in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, the President answered #AskPOTUS questions on a range of topics facing Americans right now.
The most asked question: 
Mr. President, where the hell is Baton Rouge and WTF are you doing there?

Friday, January 15, 2016

Brotherman Visits Baton Rouge

Obama swooped into the state capital in all his majesty yesterday to meet and have his ring kissed by our newly elected Governor. Later he ventured out for a taste of local cuisine, and afterward was quickly reminded he wasn't in Chicago....

Thursday, January 14, 2016

ISIS Premiers New Talk Show For Women


Raqqa Syria - ISIS today premiered their much anticipated Islamic version of the American television show "The View" on the Islamic state's official Syrian television channel. Geared towards the female adherence of  the 'Religion of Peace',  the hosts Wajhi, Daryri and Joy, cover such important topics as the latest in Burka fashions, Halal Food recipes, choosing the proper fitting suicide belt,  goat grooming, European travel tips as well as advice on proper etiquette for attending public executions.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

My Hopes of Becoming a World Leader Have Been Throughly Dashed!

With so many people on the republican side of the isle jumping on the runaway birther train, riding it all the way to CruzCan’tBePresidentVille, and gettin' all up in his stuff, Senator Ted Cruz fights an uphill battle. Donald Trump kicked it off of course, because Trump is that guy who will always go there. And Senator Grouch McCain gleefully joined in for the fun of kicking a man while he’s down Canadian. Carly Fiorina hasn't quite said he was a dirty foreigner yet, but did point out that Cruz only just recently started loving America instead of making love to Canada. I guess we shouldn’t be so surprised that even his Senate colleagues have declined to defend him on this front.

And then the Washington Post had to go and make everything worser by finding a constitutional law professor lady, one Mary Brigid McManamon of Widener University’s Delaware Law School, to write an entire op-ed  about how Senator Ted cannot be president on account of the fact that his mother pushed him out of her female lady parts while in the frozen socialist tundra of Canada rather than the USA. Now, because a lawyer who is also a professor lady wrote it, and because that lawyer who is also a professor lady is fighting with some other lawyers (probably chauvinist males types) who already wrote about how all-American Senator Ted is, the op-ed has one million lawyer words. We’ve helpfully skimmed over it and given myself a bad headache in order to find and bring you the money shot:
"The Constitution provides that “No person except a natural born citizen . . . shall be eligible to the office of President.” […] On this subject, the common law is clear and unambiguous. The 18th-century English jurist William Blackstone, the preeminent authority on it, declared natural-born citizens are “such as are born within the dominions of the crown of England,” while aliens are “such as are born out of it.” The key to this division is the assumption of allegiance to one’s country of birth."
She also apparently feels so strongly about Senator Ted not being eligible to be president that she went and wrote an entire law review article  about the Natural Born Citizen Clause last year, merrily name-checking Cruz throughout. She gets all deep down and dirty originalist and textualist about it, just the way we conservatives like, and she concludes:

"The introduction to this Article posed a question: “in the eyes of early Americans, would someone born in a foreign country of American parents be a ‘natural born citizen’ and therefore eligible to be President of the United States?” The pertinent historical materials lead to only one conclusion: aside from children born to U.S. ambassadors or soldiers in hostile armies, the answer is “no.”
So I guess she showed Senator Ted, and he should just pack it in and give it up. The Wapo's  Constitutional Lawyer Lady friend from Delaware has spoken. And I, sharing the same unfortunate and unconstitutional black mark on my being, having been launched from my American Mother's female lady parts while in a foreign country, my devious future plans of becoming the first Lady Dictator Leader of the American people are officially dashed. I'm utterly crushed and devastated.