Complied by Middle Finger News Entertainment Reporter, Roach Clip Johnson, During a Series of Recent Lucid Moments
The Doors: You have been bitten by an animal while trying to get it stoned.
Jimi Hendrix: You are under 20 or over 65.
Black Sabbath: Your greatest joy is painting in unventilated rooms.
The Grateful Dead: Your stories about the ‘70s make your daughter’s roommates at Tufts very uncomfortable.
T-Rex: No matter how much you clean, there will always be trace amounts of glitter on your stove and blender.
Pink Floyd: Your garage is full of failed versions of your stereo/barbecue hybrid.
ZZ Top: Your favorite Hank Williams is Hank Williams, Jr.
Chicago: You are incapable of talking about Chicago without mentioning their horn section.
Crosby, Stills & Nash: You own an oversized hat.
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young: You own three or more oversized hats.
Jefferson Airplane: You make your living buying and selling oversized hats.
Bad Company: You have sustained several alcohol-related injuries involving sheetrock.
Lynyrd Skynyrd: You somehow have both long hair and a sunburned scalp.
Steely Dan: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of Remembrance of Things Past.
Yes: Your ideal partner would be into both tantric sex and fat guys.
Creedence Clearwater Revival: You are frequently missing part of an eyebrow.
Van Halen: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Ford F100.
Bachman-Turner Overdrive: You have an actual urine stain on your Ford F100.
AC/DC: You are the cause of the urine stain.
Santana: You have had an hours-long conversation with someone before realizing it was just a pile of clothes.
The Band: You have misspelled your name while carving it into a picnic table.
The Doobie Brothers: You have swallowed exactly two spiders—one accidentally, one on purpose.
Bob Seger: You lost your virginity in a Chevette with a spoiler.
Alice Cooper: You have burned yourself while urinating on a campfire.
Tangerine Dream: You have spent over 30 minutes petting a tennis ball.
Traffic: You have several incense scars.
Emerson, Lake and Palmer: You have several self-inflicted incense scars.
Blind Faith: You constantly misuse the word “penultimate.”
Joni Mitchell: You have accidentally eaten more than half of a scented candle.
Steppenwolf: You have three or more cigarette burns in hard-to-reach places.
Joe Walsh: You have fired a gun while in your underwear.
Ozzy Osbourne: You have barbecued a frozen pizza at 3 a.m.
King Crimson: You have spent an entire afternoon watching a screensaver.
Stevie Nicks: You have thrown a mood ring in anger.
Bruce Springsteen: You have tasted more than one color of crayon.