Another Strange Image From NASA Mars Mission

My Favorite Tweet of 2024

I Thought This was Already Settled...

~ Thank You Larwyn's Linx@ Doug Ross Journal for the Linkage! ~

Your Body's Updated Terms of Service:

We are writing to inform you that Your Body (“you,” “yourself,” “your aging body”) has updated its terms of service, which apply to the use of all your Parts and Areas. These terms will apply only to Your Once-Useful Body and may differ from Other People’s Bodies, Which Are Still Normal.

We encourage you to review the updated Terms before you attempt any dangerous activity, such as playing with your dog or walking uphill. Our other legal policies are available in our Depressing Policy Center.

Addendum to Terms of Service

I. Food and Beverage

a. Alcohol may be consumed a maximum of three (3) nights per week, with two nights consisting of no more than one (1) beverage and one night consisting of no more than two (2) beverages. If you have one (1) beverage on a night you are supposed to have one (1) beverage, but the drink doesn’t “do anything” and you “don’t feel any different,” you are still not allowed to have a second beverage because the first one “clearly didn’t count.” If you do have two (2) beverages on a night you are supposed to only have one (1), you will have a hangover the next day. Yes, an actual hangover. Also, if you have one (1) beverage on a night you are supposed to have zero (0), you won’t get any sleep and will wake up hating the world. 

b. Caffeine is one of three good things that exist. The others are love and the Fleetwood Mac album Rumours. However, like the relationship between Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham, your body’s relationship to caffeine is a productive yet fraught dance. If you consume any caffeine after 1 p.m., you won’t get any sleep and will wake up hating the world. Other People’s Bodies can consume caffeine until 3 or 4 p.m. or even have an espresso after dinner. You aren’t them and never will be. Also, if you have more than two (2) cups in a day, you will become convinced that there must be some kind of “demon” inside your chest and you will never be normal again. 

c. Despite your many lobbying efforts, Pretzels are still not considered their own food group and should not be treated as such. A healthy diet consists of diverse foods from those food groups recognized by the scientific community. Capeesh?

II. Exercise

a. Your Body and Mind require 4–6 days of exercise per week, unless you want to go to sleep hating the world. Unfortunately, every kind of exercise that you enjoy causes Your Body’s back, knees, or ankles to enter “The Zone of Desolation.” 

b. If your physical pain ever starts to feel depressing, it could help to look on the bright side: if you were a hunter-gatherer, you’d probably be dead by now.

VII. Service

a. As you mature and move forward in life, you ought to give more of yourself to your community. Since you have nothing to offer in terms of physical abilities, wisdom, charm, or general usefulness, consider serving as a frightening cautionary tale. 

b. You aren’t old enough for people to feel like they should serve you by mowing your lawn or bringing you chicken pot pies that are easy to reheat, but if you keep making intensely mediocre decisions, those days will arrive very soon.

XI. Benefits

a. Your age has earned you the right to be cranky. You are allowed, whenever you wish, to say things like “All leaf blowers must die” and “As far as I’m concerned, any grocery store that forces you to use self-checkout machines should be considered a terrorist organization.” 

b. Once per week, you are allowed to shudder when thinking about what high school would have been like if social media had been around then. 

c. If you ever end up getting a serious brain injury, it probably wouldn’t change much.

Moving Forward

You need not take any action regarding this alarming notice. By continuing to utilize your Parts and Movements on or after today, you agree to the updated Terms. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to type “head difficult to hold upright?” into Reddit.

Just in Time For Election Campaign Season - Volume 1

Joe Biden to Release Volume 1 of 'JRB'- His 5 Volume Monumental Memoir: 

From his picturesque description of travel down the birth canal, to his selfless volunteering as a young boy to act as the canary in the coal mine in his hometown of Scranton PA. during the great canary shortage of '49,  Volume 1 'The Early Years 1942-52', and the volumes to follow promise never before told tales of adventure and accidental heroism, colorful characters and revealing peeks behind the scenes in the life of America's Beloved 46th President. - NPR

Volume 1 'The Early Years 1942-52'

Available now for preorder at Amazon Books, or for $10 out of the trunk of Hunter Biden's car. 

We're Number One...We're Number One!

~ Thank You Larwyn's Linx@ Doug Ross Journal for the Linkage! ~

Post-Dinner Interview with First-Timer at the Grownup's Table

REPORTER: I’m here live with Ted moments after completing his first start at Thanksgiving dinner at the Grown-Ups’ Table. At only 12 years and 109 days, you are officially the youngest family member to get this opportunity. Were you surprised when you got the news? 

TED: Well, I had a feeling it would happen eventually. Now that cousin Becky is gone off to prison I’ve been working hard at family dinners leading up to Thanksgiving, and I’ve just been trying to get better every day so I’d be ready if the opportunity presented itself. Tonight, I avoided childish mistakes like playing hide and seek with the little cousins. Instead, I watched the football games on TV and made a joke at the expense of the Dallas Cowboys’ playoff hopes, which was well received by the living room. Even Grandpa grunted in agreement, which is rare. At that point, I knew there was a strong possibility I’d be getting the call come dinner time.

 REPORTER: It’s no secret that, historically, you’ve been seen as a picky eater, and some of the family was concerned that Aunt Linda’s yams would throw you off your game. I believe Aunt Linda was quoted saying, “Ted’s gotta be able to handle yams if he wants to eat with the big boys. If you want dino nugs, then stay at the kids’ table.” Did that make you nervous?

TED: Well, Aunt Linda is one hell of a cook and I have nothing but respect for her and what she’s been able to accomplish over the years. With regard to the yams, it’s true that when I was just starting out in this family, I thought they were yucky, and I was very vocal about it at the time. However, I’ve grown a lot as an eater since then and I’ve worked to mature my underdeveloped palate to handle anything that Aunt Linda or anyone else throws my way. Tonight, when I got to the table and saw a lineup of yams, I was able to lean on that preparation and get the job done.

REPORTER: Grown-ups hate phones, especially at the dinner table. How’d you prepare to go without your phone during tonight’s meal?

TED: That’s a great question. I knew I couldn’t afford any phone-related slip-ups. That would immediately put me at a disadvantage, and I didn’t want to be digging myself out of a hole for the remainder of the meal. Before dinner started, I placed my phone on silent mode and powered it down. This helped me clear my head before the meal and eliminate the risk of my phone sounding with a notification that my cousin Bradley is going live on Instagram again.

REPORTER: Let’s talk about Bradley for a minute. Many people criticize this family for bringing kids to the Grown-Ups’ Table before they’re ready. Some say this family doesn’t invest the time to develop their young adults, and they aren’t able to adapt to the pace and rigor of adult conversation. Your cousin Bradley was twelve last year when he made the move to the Grown-Ups’ Table. However, he couldn’t handle the unregulated mashed potato portions or the elevated discussion of his peers. He fell asleep at the table and had to be pulled and escorted off to bed. He has yet to make a full recovery. Since then, he’s gotten detention four times at school, his parents have filed for divorce, he started wearing dresses and was not invited to Thanksgiving this year. Were you at all worried you’d have the some issues?

TED: I’ve heard that story, but I don’t fixate on it. Bradley paved the way for future twelve-year-olds to get called up to the Grown-Ups’ Table, so for that I am thankful. Without him, I wouldn’t be here today, but there’s no defending his behavior last year. Bradley and I are different people, and I wasn’t going to make those same mistakes.

REPORTER: We have to talk about what happened during dessert. To the surprise of many, you teased Grandma that she was cut off for the night. Others your age would just be focusing on making it through dinner without embarrassing themselves, but you had the foresight to exploit the family’s drinking habits for a laugh. Where did you find the courage to try something like that?

TED: This was an opportunity to show that I’m not afraid to make a risky play call when appropriate, and luckily it paid off.

REPORTER: I want to commend you on your maturity when dealing with Uncle Jimbo. About four beers deep, he asked, “So, do you have a girlfriend yet?” What was going through your mind at that moment, and were you at all embarrassed by the question?

TED: We all know that in this family, you’ve gotta be able to roll with the punches. Obviously, this is not the kind of behavior you expect from an adult, but Uncle Jimbo is unpredictable, and I had to show him that I don’t back down. I said, “Yes, I have a girlfriend, and I don’t even pay for Tinder Premium like you.” It got the job done and Uncle Jimbo was a non-factor the rest of the meal.

REPORTER: Well, congratulations, Ted, and thank you for your time. Who knows? Maybe next year you’ll be invited out on the porch for the after-dinner cigar.

TED: Thank you. I’ll give myself a couple minutes to try and enjoy this win, but I’ve gotta stay hungry and build on this momentum. I’ve got my work cut out for me with Christmas in a few weeks. That’ll take a lot of preparation, so that’s what I’ll be focused on moving forward.

REPORTER: That's all from here. Back to you Wolf. 

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

New Snapshots From The Biden White House Album

A DMF Exclusive. 

Photos Credits:

United States Secret Service Surveillance & 

Unofficial White House Photographer.

We Believe We've Pinpointed the Genesis Of Today's Chaotic 21st Century World.

~ Thank You Larwyn's Linx@ Doug Ross Journal for the Linkage! ~

Tired of Seeing the Same Thing on Every Site. You're Going to the Wrong Places!

Hey You. Mr.& Mrs. America. You tired of seeing the same crap over and over on almost every site you visit, like "Trumps a Crook" or "Biden Stops to Admire a Squirrel Turd" or "Lesbians Kick Around Balls For 90 Minutes - No Score" or excerpts from Rapper DJ Humpback's NYT Editorial on the Ukraine War and its Racist Effect on Climate Change and Future Sub-Saharan Africa NBA Players? That's because you read sites like Matt Drudge's "Sludge Report" or Clickbait Central 'CFP' (Consistently Fraudulent Promoter) who basically drags the Sludge Report for links. They all just copy each other. 

We don't do that. Not Here. Not at DMF/MFNS. No Sir! We try and dig deep and bring you news the other guys don't have the tits to report!

Like when we brought you the exclusive North Korea Spies on Obama's Martha's Vineyard Arrival . You see that on breitbart?  Hell no. Or what about the investigative report  "Health Conscience Bill Clinton Enjoys Yoga Classes" We talkin' the real water cooler discussion type news here. The kind that makes you almost appear handsome and sound more smarter.

Bet you no one in your office pool will be the first to mention this:

T-Rex World Championship Races 2023

Hundreds of runners took part in the T-Rex World Championship Races at Emerald Downs on Sunday in Auburn, Washington. In fact, so many showed up there had to be heat races to determine the Championship lineup.

Racers, including eventual winner Ocean Kim (5), leave the gates in the championship round 

One of the Exciting Photo-Finish Heat Races

[NY Daily News]

 

~ Thank You Larwyn's Linx@ Doug Ross Journal 

& MJA@IOTWReport for the Linkage! ~

 

Presidents Day - We Remember the Last Words of #16

Dear citizens, I know that I am not well. Amid this evening at Ford’s Theatre, my body has borne within it an abominable manifestation of political strife, and I feel my senses beginning to take leave. As the light departs my corporeal form, yearning to move on to destinations unknown, I have but one final request.

I beg of you, please commemorate my birthday with mattress sales. Downy, tufted, even memory foam: none shall be exempt from the wholesale slashing of prices. Reserve for this great endeavor a day—nay, an entire weekend, for only a weekend would suffice for the monumental scale of these savings. Throughout our fair land, postboxes spanning as far as the stately eagle soars shall be papered with announcements, each a herald to the approaching cavalry of discount mattresses.

When this grand republic was first conceived, our Founders proffered a unique conception: that every man, no matter his creed, race, or sleep number, would in equal terms be free in the pursuit of happiness. Though we have not often lived up to these ideals in practice, I implore one further leap toward them—with a bedroom blowout bonanza the likes of which no man has ever seen.

It is true that during my tenure war has tested our national resolve, pitting brother against brother in this trying time. But by the hand of providence, even the most quarrelsome of kin shall come together against our common enemy: nighttime sweating. Why merely lay down arms when there also exists occasion to lay down upon moisture-wicking fabric with pressure point relief?

Still, I do not deny the existence of deep, unresolved, and lingering divisions between our fellow citizens. For instance, some have a particular predilection for softness, and others, for firmness. My soul longs for a time when we proclaim the end of such calamity—a time when men of every stripe may finally exercise the fundamental liberties enshrined within our noble founding document, the Sixty-Day Slumber Money-Back Guarantee.

Now my breath begins to slow, and my mind returns to my love, my Mary Todd. Soon I will be reunited with our poor, sickly son Willie in the vast showroom of the heavens. Regrettably, he was not and will not be party to many glorious milestones in American history: the end of war, the ratification of the Thirteenth Amendment, the first rebate on a box spring.

As with many at death’s door, the legacies of my earthly affairs trouble me no longer. If the postwar reconstruction process were to falter? No matter. If the battle flag of the former Confederacy were to be adopted as a race-baiting symbol in an all-consuming culture war? I take no heed. All that concern me are deals, deals, deals!

I cannot help but be overcome by a deep comfort, even in my last moments, as I reflect upon the studied image of an entire nation finally united by a good night’s sleep, at an affordable price.

[He takes a final breath and dies.]

Great Britain Announces Reclamation of America

 

To the citizens of the United States of America

from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your current failure to financially and politically  manage yourselves and also, your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents and therefore not properly govern yourselves, The Crown hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

I, Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except New Jersey, which we do not wish to acquire.)

Your new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson (bojo@uk.gov), will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' and 'nigga' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday,  enough of your foolish inebriation. 

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a concealed vegetable peeler.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get over it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup up but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American beer will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball and learn cricket.

13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)

14. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

 

Somewhat Respectfully,

Elizabeth II, Queen of All England and Boss of You

God Save the Queen!

______________________________

A Dose of Smarterness. (A Public Service of DMF)

Blink Twice if You Need to be Rescued 🤣🤣

Hi. My name is David Gins. I work for Vice President Harris on behalf of the American people as Deputy Director for Operations and absolutely love my job.

Just thought some of you should know 😀 pic.twitter.com/VPuYv9bpbp

— David Gins (@davidmgins) December 5, 2021

White House press secretary Jen Psaki was asked about the tweet during today’s press briefing but said she had no info on if Gins or anyone else in the VP's office had been instructed to publicly express support for Harris.  

Headline of the Day Winner.

~~~~~~~~

 

Please Don’t Just Scroll Past This...

Scroll past it with gusto. Scroll past it with fire in your heart. For every post of the thousands of posts you scroll past, the good, the bad, the memes, the cats, the politics and the art you can reblog or ignore and scroll on by but not this post. This post you have to scroll by with style.

For all your time on this site you’ve moved your mouse or touched your touchpad looking forward to the next image or scrap of text and you’ve so rarely noticed the motion of your hand, the swish of your finger. Not this time. This time you’ll feel it and you’ll understand the simple beauty of scrolling and though you’ll rarely think of it again, for one moment you’ll have been aware, truly aware of the act of motion. So don’t just scroll past this. SCROLL past it!

Great Moments in History #783

Keith Richards Teaches a Young
Willie Nelson to Play Guitar

~ Thank You MJA@IOTWReport for the Linkage! ~

Amazen and the Claustrophobic Broom Closet of Despair

For years, one of the largest companies in the world has been criticized for the way they treat their workers. Yes, they did up the salaries of their warehouse workers to $15 an hour, but are still under constant video and audio surveillance, and there's the stories of the notorious pee bottles, etc., etc.  But Amazon is hoping to change all of that. No, not by paying people more or actually listening to workers about what would make things better for them. But by installing dystopian despair booths, about the size of a phone booth or old timey police box, at their warehouses where employees can go to scream their lungs out do "mindfulness exercises', and likely while being monitored by central scrutiny, as they always are.

And what could possibly be more calming than a small, windowless confined space?  Not to mention the fact that everyone can see you walk into it and will probably be going, "Oh guess who is losing their shit and needs to do some mindfulness exercises," and that would be literally all you could think of while in there, other than the possibility of the door getting stuck and you running out of air and dying of asphyxia. 

The original tweet featuring the 24 sec. video below was met with such horror and mockery on social media that the company deleted it after a day.

 

It's cute that they're "trying," but perhaps they could start instead with not requiring employees to pull 10 and a 1/2 hour shifts, allow them bathroom breaks so they don't have to pee in bottles and giving them breaks longer than 30 minutes when it takes some that long to walk to and from the break room.

And maybe, just maybe pay drivers a better wage so they aren't pissed and in a hurry all time and don't act like Tom Brady dropping a dime to his favorite receiver in the corner of the end zone when delivering my new coffee maker to my porch!!!!

Having 7 of my own employees, I can tell you those things would certainly be of more help to workers than shoving them into a claustrophobic broom closet of doom with sky and clouds painted on the ceiling where they can do "mindfulness exercises" as their supervisors watch the clock like a hawk.........

[Businesswire]

[Institute for the Study of Regressive Proglodytes]

Bubba & Shrub Return To Prominence in the WH

CNN's "Ms. Congeniality", Kaitlan Collins, reports the White House has confirmed 46* has returned two official Presidential portraits to the Grand Foyer after DJT moved them to a rarely used room, the Old Family Dining Room, a small space off the grand State Dining Room. He had them replaced with more popular Presidents William McKinley and Theodore Roosevelt.

The George W. Bush portrait has replaced that of William McKinley, the nation's 25th president, who was assassinated in 1901, and the Bill Clinton portrait replaced one of Theodore Roosevelt, who succeeded McKinley.

The official Barky Obama portrait, yet to be unveiled, was rumored to be slated by DJT to hang near the official visitor's restrooms.

Willie Jeff C.

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~