Great Britain Reclaims America

A Timely Re-post from July 2012

To the citizens of the United States of America

from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your current failure to financially manage yourselves and also, in recent years, your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents and therefore not properly govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

I, Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except New Jersey, which we do not wish to acquire.)

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron (dcameron@uk.gov), will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday,  enough of your foolish inebriation. 

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a concealed vegetable peeler.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get over it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup up but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American beer will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball and learn cricket.

13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)

14. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Somewhat Respectfully,

Elizabeth II, Queen of All England 

  

God Save the Queen!

 

________________________________

The Boy King Expounds

DNC Finances in Shambles

And these are the same people who say Republicans

are irresponsibly funding our government?

FORTUNE -- There's another budget crisis in Washington, and it's unfolding inside the Democratic party. The Democratic National Committee remains so deeply in the hole from spending in the last election that it is struggling to pay its own vendors.

It is a highly unusual state of affairs for a national party -- especially one that can deploy the President as its fundraiser-in-chief -- and it speaks to the quiet but serious organizational problems the party has yet to address since the last election, obscured in part by the much messier spectacle of GOP infighting.

The Democrats' numbers speak for themselves: Through August, 10 months after helping President Obama secure a second term, the DNC owed its various creditors a total of $18.1 million, compared to the $12.5 million cash cushion the Republican National Committee is holding.

Several executives at firms that contract to provide services to the party -- speaking anonymously to avoid antagonizing what remains an important if troubled client -- describe an organization playing for time as they raise alarms about past-due bills falling further behind...."

Don’t worry, America. Congress will still get paid.

Naked DC

"No matter what happens over the course of the next 72 hours, you can officially relax, America. Because while you might lose your social services and lesser government workers may end up having a few unpaid days off work, in the event of a government shutdown, Congress still gets their paychecks, so it’s all going to be just fine. 

'We are also hearing that Members are starting to ask increasing administrative questions about the well being of their staff…and privately, asking questions if they can use their own salaraies [sic] to pay staff if there is a shutdown. This is an interesting question…as Members ARE paid if there is a shutdown. That’s because the 27th Amendment to the Constitution prohibits a “varying” of pay for House and Senate members…without an intervening House election. During the ’95-’96 shutdowns, there was a voluntary suspension of pay for members...."

"Technically, most of them probably don’t deserve to be paid while Congress is in session, so paying them not to work when it’s out of session isn’t a vast difference. A government shutdown only affects things the government deems “non-essential” or “discretionary,” which includes most departments not immediately and explicitly authorized by the Constitution. While we might consider Congress non-essential, it’s highly unlikely that the current group of bipedal apes running the legislative branch will agree." 

A Good Monday Morning

70 Years of America's Democrat Statesmen : A Retrospect

....and the slope just keeps gettin' steeper.

Middle Finger Symphony Theater

* No Tuxedo Required*

Obama “Won’t Negotiate With People Who Have Bombs Strapped To Their Chests.”

Oh look, he’s bowing again.

____________

True Blue Liars

Paul Joseph Watson

"In a wide-ranging interview published today by the Guardian, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Seymour Hersh  savages the US media for failing to challenge the White House on a whole host of issues, from NSA spying, to drone attacks, to aggression against Syria. Hersh added that the Obama administration habitually lies but they continue to do so because the press allows them to get away with it....."

“It’s pathetic, they are more than obsequious, they are afraid to pick on this guy [Obama],” Hersh told the Guardian. During the rest of the Guardian interview, which is well worth reading in its entirety, Hersh lambastes the corporate press and particularly the New York Times, which he says spends “so much more time carrying water for Obama than I ever thought they would.”

“The republic’s in trouble, we lie about everything, lying has become the staple,” concluded Hersh."

Read the Complete Interview 

Israel TV: Iran will have enough uranium for bomb in 2 months

Talk Straight - Hours after an Israeli newspaper quoted a government security source saying that Iran already has at least one nuclear bomb, Israel’s leading Arab affairs analyst offered only a slightly less dramatic assessment, saying the regime in Tehran was no more than “one to two months away” from having sufficient 92% enriched uranium to build its first bomb.

Ehud Yaari, the veteran analyst of Israel’s top-rated Channel 2 TV News, added that Iran also had more sophisticated centrifuges becoming available soon that could cut that time down to just “two or three weeks.”

But I thought the Iranians promised Obama and Kerry that they only wanted nuclear power for electricity or some other peaceful, helping the little folks reason.

I mean, they wouldn’t be calculating and so sinister as to pretend to be nice and friendly just so they can be afforded the time, by a couple of gullible bafoons, to complete a nuclear bomb. Naw! That’s just silly.

Fishnet Friday

Abortion Diva Goes for Texas Governor's Seat

The Associated Press reports Davis, who is scheduled to announce her political plans Oct. 3, will jump into the race to succeed Republican Gov. Rick Perry. The AP story is based on two unnamed Democrats with knowledge of her decision.

Davis has become a Democratic Party sensation across the country for her marathon filibuster in June against a bill to restrict abortion. Though the Fort Worth lawmaker temporarily succeeded in blocking the bill, the measure eventually passed the Legislature and was signed into law by Perry.

Despite her near-celebrity status among Democrats, Davis would have an uphill fight in a campaign for governor. No Democrat has won a statewide Texas office since 1994.