"Nay, faith, let me not play a woman;
I have a beard coming" - Bill Shakespeare
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I have a beard coming" - Bill Shakespeare
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Thursday, July 26, 2012
A Message from the Empress
< Message forwarded to Diogenes >
for immediate release:
"I have recently been declared Empress of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let's all simply accept the fact that we are better off as a result; and hence, my first decree:
"Empress Decree No. 1a - The Empress calls for an end to the improper use of the word “Hero.” A hero is a person who performs a heroic act (The Empress New Collegiate Dictionary, pg.332). While many people should, for instance, be deeply praised for choosing selfless and noble careers (firemen, for example) or for exemplifying great courage (surviving cancer, for instance) we will, henceforth, reserve the use of the word “hero” for those who have performed heroic acts. The fireman doesn't become a hero when he gets a position in the department; he becomes a hero when he saves a life. The cancer survivor doesn't become a hero for surviving cancer; they becomes a hero when they dedicate their life to raising money for cancer research."
"Nor does a soldier become a hero for simply donning a uniform, they become heroes for placing themselves in harms way for our freedom. And henceforth, no make-believe comic book fantasy characters shall be used to denigrate the true meaning of Hero by being referred to as such by anyone over the age of 12 years old.
"There are many wonderful, important and praiseworthy people out there who are not heroes, and never shall be except in their own minds (insert any politician's name here) Heroes are a special category of wonderful people — unless, of course, we continue to call all wonderful people heroes."
"The Punishment: Those who continue to misuse this word will be required to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants, in public, and in addition shall be forced to attend Barack Obama rallies.
Now, go forth and obey.
< end message >
for immediate release:
"I have recently been declared Empress of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let's all simply accept the fact that we are better off as a result; and hence, my first decree:
"Empress Decree No. 1a - The Empress calls for an end to the improper use of the word “Hero.” A hero is a person who performs a heroic act (The Empress New Collegiate Dictionary, pg.332). While many people should, for instance, be deeply praised for choosing selfless and noble careers (firemen, for example) or for exemplifying great courage (surviving cancer, for instance) we will, henceforth, reserve the use of the word “hero” for those who have performed heroic acts. The fireman doesn't become a hero when he gets a position in the department; he becomes a hero when he saves a life. The cancer survivor doesn't become a hero for surviving cancer; they becomes a hero when they dedicate their life to raising money for cancer research."
"Nor does a soldier become a hero for simply donning a uniform, they become heroes for placing themselves in harms way for our freedom. And henceforth, no make-believe comic book fantasy characters shall be used to denigrate the true meaning of Hero by being referred to as such by anyone over the age of 12 years old.
"There are many wonderful, important and praiseworthy people out there who are not heroes, and never shall be except in their own minds (insert any politician's name here) Heroes are a special category of wonderful people — unless, of course, we continue to call all wonderful people heroes."
"The Punishment: Those who continue to misuse this word will be required to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants, in public, and in addition shall be forced to attend Barack Obama rallies.
Now, go forth and obey.
< end message >
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Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Things aren't going well at Obama For America 2012 Headquarters these days.....
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No More Real Time Biden
Naked DC
The press is being told that they are no longer allowed to Tweet Joe Biden’s commentary in real time. Remarks can be reprinted in their entirety later (even 20 minutes later), but on-the-scene reporting will be discouraged, according to White House sources.
The implication here is that Joe Biden does not deliver pre-written speeches as they are pre-written, as pre-written speeches could easily be sent to reporters ahead of time. Obviously, this means that you will no longer be able to experience real-time Joe Biden, which is a shame, particularly if you’re interested in such intriguing topics as Joe Biden’s parents’ sex lives, the unique characteristics of certain ethnic backgrounds, and complete reports on what Joe Biden had for lunch.
I think We're Talking Damage Control Here
The implication here is that Joe Biden does not deliver pre-written speeches as they are pre-written, as pre-written speeches could easily be sent to reporters ahead of time. Obviously, this means that you will no longer be able to experience real-time Joe Biden, which is a shame, particularly if you’re interested in such intriguing topics as Joe Biden’s parents’ sex lives, the unique characteristics of certain ethnic backgrounds, and complete reports on what Joe Biden had for lunch.
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Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Cause I Got Nothing Today
A repost from last year......
Obama Rejected by Dancing With the Stars
Exclusive:
Obama Rejected by Dancing With the Stars
Exclusive:
Another Embarrassing Failure
Middle Finger News Service - It was revealed to Diogenes today that President Obama failed a super secret audition for the the new season of the popular television show 'Dancing with the Stars'. Officials with the highly rated program told us that the White House had requested the secret preliminary try-out as a way of boosting Obama's popularity rating with the American people. "Unfortunately, the guy can't dance either" a spokesperson for the show said, referring to Obama's handling of the economy.
For maximum viewer ratings, Obama was originally paired with 2008 election foe, the graceful Republican Sarah Palin. But Mrs.Palin later was said to say "This guy has three left feet! Go figure." She also told producers "if they issued dancing licenses, his would be revoked for endangering the public safety!" The political friction showed in their first dance routine , a basic Foxtrot, in which Obama's moves were said by unnamed production staffers as "resembling a chicken on acid."
Obama was later paired with dancing star Tameka McHughes, doing a classic disco number. "This guy was all over me." Ms. McHughes told us. "It was like prom night with Steve Urkel!"
At first, the White House initially denied the secret audition, but confronted with pictures, finally had to admit the embarrassing episode. No further comments were issued on the matter.
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Monday, July 23, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Puttin' Her Up On The Rack
Diogenes
As you can see, I've been busy this weekend making some major changes to DMF. I decided to go to a cleaner, less cluttered look to be easier on the eyes and render better on wide screen laptops and mobile devices most people use today. The page is a combination of a WordPress CSS and a standard Google Blogger page with a set of custom fonts, which I was told was impossible to do. I proved them wrong, but not without a few headaches. Only after an all-nighter, a bottle of Cabernet and a lot of hair pulling did I succeeded.
Some minor tweaks are left to be done, but after testing it renders fine in all the major browsers - Firefox, Chrome, Safari and the only one I use, the Opera browser ( if you're still using IE you are on your own there, I don't go near it ). The formatting is 16pt. font for easy viewing ( I despise manufacturer's default 10pt. font ) so all I can say is it works fine and looks good from this end.
If you encounter anything about this page that is not right in looks or operation other than the sidebar loading after the main page, please email me and let me know.
No animals were harmed and no government assistance was required in this undertaking.
I made it happen Obama!
Some minor tweaks are left to be done, but after testing it renders fine in all the major browsers - Firefox, Chrome, Safari and the only one I use, the Opera browser ( if you're still using IE you are on your own there, I don't go near it ). The formatting is 16pt. font for easy viewing ( I despise manufacturer's default 10pt. font ) so all I can say is it works fine and looks good from this end.
If you encounter anything about this page that is not right in looks or operation other than the sidebar loading after the main page, please email me and let me know.
No animals were harmed and no government assistance was required in this undertaking.
I made it happen Obama!
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Friday, July 20, 2012
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