for immediate release:
"I have recently been declared Empress of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let's all simply accept the fact that we are better off as a result; and hence, my first decree:
"Empress Decree No. 1a - The Empress calls for an end to the improper use of the word “Hero.” A hero is a person who performs a heroic act (The Empress New Collegiate Dictionary, pg.332). While many people should, for instance, be deeply praised for choosing selfless and noble careers (firemen, for example) or for exemplifying great courage (surviving cancer, for instance) we will, henceforth, reserve the use of the word “hero” for those who have performed heroic acts. The fireman doesn't become a hero when he gets a position in the department; he becomes a hero when he saves a life. The cancer survivor doesn't become a hero for surviving cancer; they becomes a hero when they dedicate their life to raising money for cancer research."
"Nor does a soldier become a hero for simply donning a uniform, they become heroes for placing themselves in harms way for our freedom. And henceforth, no make-believe comic book fantasy characters shall be used to denigrate the true meaning of Hero by being referred to as such by anyone over the age of 12 years old.
"There are many wonderful, important and praiseworthy people out there who are not heroes, and never shall be except in their own minds (insert any politician's name here) Heroes are a special category of wonderful people — unless, of course, we continue to call all wonderful people heroes."
"The Punishment: Those who continue to misuse this word will be required to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants, in public, and in addition shall be forced to attend Barack Obama rallies.
Now, go forth and obey.
< end message >