Showing posts with label Satire?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire?. Show all posts

Thursday, April 26, 2018

Diversity On Demand.

Diversity On Demand
Rent-A-Minority is a revolutionary new service designed for those oh-shit moments where you've realized your award show, corporate brochure, conference panel is entirely composed of white men. For, like, the fifth year in a row. Suddenly you're being called out on Twitter and you need to look not-racist and not-misogynist fast. Actually doing something meaningful to disrupt institutional inequality would be way too much work; so why not just Rent-A-Minority instead?

We have a minority for every occasion. 
Whether it’s a tech conference panel, an awards show, an advert, or a business meeting, we will collaborate to find the right minority for you. All of our minorities have been vetted to ensure they are not “too black” or “too Muslim” or “too much of a Feminist.” We know how awkward that can be. Each minority comes with bespoke pricing based on a proprietary algorithm that analyzes current states of supply/demand and the Degree of Diversity (TM) intrinsic to the potential hire.

H/T   Shamelessly Stolen from Gerard VanderLeun

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Robert Mueller Appoints Special Prosecutor To Investigate Robert Mueller's Conflicts Of Interest

Middle Finger News Service -  Among calls of foul by the president and some on the right of the Robert Mueller investigation's ties and shady practices, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has appointed himself Special Prosecutor to investigate Robert Muellar's suspected Conflicts Of Interest. This shocking news should put to rest all the rumors that Donald Trump would fire Mueller or that Mueller would be forced to resign.

By appointing himself to investigate himself, Robert Mueller has quelled with finality all the calls to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the high level corruption at the Department of Justice, F.I.B F.B.I., and the conflicts of interest by so many at the Special Counsel’s Office as well as questions of conflict swirling around the massive investigation of President Donald J. Trump, at public expense,  by Robert Mueller.

The nearly constant reports of Trump hating leadership at the DOJ/FBI blocking an indictment of Hillary Clinton thereby committing the crime of obstruction of justice due to their political preferences, Trump hating conspiracies at the highest levels of the Justice Department and F.I.B. F.B.I. with intent to frame and remove a duly elected president, evidence of text messages in furtherance of the coup plots among the coup plotters, questions of a vast army of prosecutors hired by Robert Mueller most of whom donated vast amounts of funds to Barack Obama and/or Hillary Clinton and/or the DNC/leftists, questions born of the facts that spouses of prosecutors received money from Hillary Clinton supporters during political campaigns of one spouse and yet another spouse who worked for Fusion GPS on dirt dossiers directed against President Trump, a dirty dossier comprised of Russian government disinformation bought and paid for by the Hillary Clinton campaign then suspected of being used to obtain FISA warrants with which to spy on the presidential campaign of Donald J. Trump, clear violations of Fourth Amendment protections during the transition period for a President-Elect team that used government servers to communicate among themselves when making appointments and legal decisions, are now a completely closed matter with the appointment by Robert Mueller of Robert Mueller to investigate Robert Mueller. 

The wise move by Special Counsel Robert Mueller to investigate Robert Mueller should put an end to all the conspiracy theories about any possible conflicts of interest by Robert Mueller. The investigation of Robert Mueller should end with a final report around 2024 or after the impeachment of President Michael Pence, whichever comes first.  

Thank You MJA for the Linkage!

Monday, June 5, 2017

Ineffective “COEXIST” Bumper Stickers Recalled

Tard Times - Washington DC: The National Highway Traffic Safety Board along with The Consumer Protection Agency have issued a product recall for over 500,000 units of the popular “COEXIST” bumper sticker due to an ineffective and unsustainable message of world peace, U.S. safety regulators said on Monday.

“After the immeasurable millions of incidents of human suffering and death due to war, muslim intolerance and genocide from the years of 623 AD through 2016, this sticker needs to be pulled from retail shelves and all automobiles immediately,” the NHTSB said in a statement online. “NHTSB likes the sticker,” the statement continued. “We believe it looks really cool in a tie-dye color scheme. In the current geopolitical climate, however, our in-house statisticians predict this trend in which people get shot, stabbed and have their heads forcefully removed will not slow down in the foreseeable future.”

The graphic, spelling “Coexist” through religious and political symbols, has garnered thousands of complaints from consumers for inefficacy, despite regular appearance on the rear bumpers of cars owned by progressive Americans. “I had a feeling something wasn’t working back there. I heard some rattling on NPR about crises in Europe, the Middle East, Africa… even America,” said Subaru Outback owner Wayne Darvy of Burlington, Vt. “How can sticker companies just sit back and profit from a clearly unattainable mantra? I feel duped.” 

“Unfortunately, with Donald Trump’s presidency, we foresee demand for left-leaning slogan products dropping considerably. We’re particularly worried about ‘Have A Nice Day’. Studies show nice days are highly unlikely,” spokesperson Amy Kane told reporters outside of their Detroit manufacturing plant. “Luckily, the forecast for "Truck Nutz" and "Make America Great Again" through Q3 2020 projects record profits.” 

“We encourage all owners to peel off their ‘COEXIST’ with soap and water and bring it to your local Spencer Gifts, where you will receive a " أنت مارس الجنس " bumper sticker free of charge,” she said.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Post Inaugural: MSNBC Panel Fawns Over Michelle Obama's.....Buttocks

MFNS-Washington DC.- In the final minutes of the MSNBC coverage of Donald Trump being sworn in as 45th President, in order to steer the subject away from Trump, Chris Matthews invited several of the network’s past and present commentators who covered the Obamas over the last 8 years to pay tribute to former First Lady Michelle Obama.

It was classic MSNBC lunacy.....

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  A couple of days ago the remarkable Michelle Obama celebrated her 53th birthday. I thought we would end tonight’s show by taking a few moments to reflect upon a sensational African American first lady. Ed Schultz, my good union friend, your thoughts on our gracious former first lady.

ED SCHULTZ: I know that she’s a beautiful lady, Chris. I can tell you that.

MATTHEWS: So you wouldn’t kick her out of bed for …

SCHULTZ: For eating crackers? Heck no. She can eat all the crackers she wants. Hell, she can eat a greasy double cheeseburger with a side order of cheesy fries and wipe her hands on the sheets.

AL SHARPTON: (smiling) What would a good lookin’ Black African American woman of color be doing in bed with a fat white boy like you, Ed?

SCHULTZ: (laughing) Hey, even fat white boys have fantasies.

SHARPTON: Are you frantasizing about Michelle Obama or the double cheeseburger?

MATTHEWS: What about you, Rachel. You’re a lesbian, would you kick the first lady out of bed?

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Local Lefty Business Man Extends Welcome To Refugees

Blinkie Carsdale - Owner Operator of Mystical Coffee Bar and Bong Emporium 

My Independent Coffee Shop Welcomes All Refugees That Can Afford a Six Dollar Latte

Op-ed by Blinkie Carsdale

The Mystical Coffee Bar is all about coffee and inclusion. That is why our new policy is that all refugees are always welcome in our café so long as they can afford a six dollar small latte (cash only).

Owning a small independent coffee shop is about more than just making money. It's about being a part of a community. A community that we would love to welcome you into, just as soon as you decide what drink you would like. I take my role as a community leader very seriously. I'm not just some uncaring businessman ripping people off. I am fueling the members of my neighborhood as they start their day so they can go out and make a difference in the world.

This would probably be a good time to mention each refugee needs to buy his or her own drink if they wish to stay in the café.

Now I know that our latté’s aren't cheap, especially on a refugee salary, but that's because we pay our workers a fair wage and only use cruelty-free beans in our coffee. We charge more because we are fighting back against a capitalistic system that marginalizes common people to enrich the powerful. Moments like these are why I started my own business. I truly look forward to you coming to the register with your six dollars (cash only) so I can show you how much The Mystical Coffee Bar supports the downtrodden of our society.  

But I do have to ask that you not beg our customers for money. It makes them feel uncomfortable.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Thursday, April 14, 2016

University of Alabama Forced to Except New Mascot

Tuscaloosa, AL - President Obama's use of his phone and pen to sign an order that the University of Alabama replace its racist elephant with a donkey caused a predictable outcry from some extremist obstructionist Republicans, including partisan and ungrounded accusations of abuses of power by the executive branch.
According to President Obama:
"University of Alabama lost their privilege when they did not share their football trophies with the less fortunate colleges and universities. Besides, some folks at the university thought they could get away with putting a Republican elephant next to a word that has 'bama' in it. That is a distasteful and disrespectful attack against me. And I want Americans to realize that personal attacks against me will not be tolerated. It's not who we are."
University of Alabama students became divided on the issue, with the best and the most progressive part of the student body organizing spontaneous marches in support of President Obama and his ruling. 
"Elephants are a symbol of oppression and Alabama has won too many trophies for their own good. The mascot change is progressive, and I hope Alabama will learn to share a bit more," said Melissa Click, former communications professor at the University of Missouri, who joined the march as a volunteer legal observer...."  

Friday, August 28, 2015

What's the Smallest Caliber You Trust for Self Defense?

Some say a .22 magnum is not powerful enough to defend thy self. I disagree.......

I remember once camping in Wyoming with a boyfriend and while hiking we ran headlong into a brown bear along the trail, and boy was she mad. Seems we were unknowingly close to one of her cubs, and she started to charge us. 

I pulled out my little Beretta and fired one round into my boyfriend's kneecap and briskly walked off in the opposite direction.  So who said you can't defend yourself with a .22.   I do love my little Beretta. 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Lordy Look Who's 40

Our little girl is all grown up!!
Today We Celebrate a Special Birthday.

Monica Lewinsky turns 40
  Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around the White House
on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

An oldie but goodie from The Woodsterman - (Updated)


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Cause I Got Nothing Today

A repost from last year......

Obama Rejected by Dancing With the Stars 
 Another Embarrassing Failure 

Middle Finger News Service - It was revealed to Diogenes today that President Obama failed a super secret audition for the the new season  of the popular television show 'Dancing with the Stars'. Officials with the highly rated program told us that the White House had requested the secret preliminary try-out as a way of boosting Obama's popularity rating with the American people. "Unfortunately, the guy can't dance either" a spokesperson for the show said, referring to Obama's handling of the economy.

For maximum viewer ratings, Obama was originally paired with 2008 election foe, the graceful Republican Sarah Palin. But Mrs.Palin later was said to say "This guy has three left feet! Go figure." She also told producers  "if they issued dancing licenses, his would be revoked for endangering the public safety!" The political friction showed in their first dance routine , a basic Foxtrot, in which Obama's moves were said by unnamed production staffers as "resembling a chicken on acid."

Obama was later paired with dancing star  Tameka McHughes, doing a classic disco number. "This guy was all over me." Ms. McHughes told us. "It was like prom night with Steve Urkel!"

At first, the White House initially denied the secret audition, but confronted with pictures, finally had to admit the embarrassing episode. No further comments were issued on the matter.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

George's Rejection Letter

Middle Finger News Service  -  During the dark days of the Monica Lewinsky Affair President Bill Clinton, fearing democrats losing womens votes in the next election, was rumored to have convinced  one of his senior advisers we will call "Lil' George" to submit a centerfold layout to PLAYGIRL MAGAZINE in an attempt to head off some of the damage from the fiasco.
Come to find out, despite it all Clinton remained popular and Al Gore just turned out to be a turkey. But in the long run the poor adviser Lil' George, wound up getting  the ultimate Middle Finger - a rejection letter.
Middle finger News believes we have uncovered that letter while perusing the dark recesses of the Clinton Presidential library archives.


Friday, May 18, 2012

On the Road with Joe Biden

Vice President Joe Biden was on the road Friday to tout one of the successes of the Obama administration's  economic recovery and job creation policies. He visited the scene of two newly created lawn maintenance jobs at one of Virginia's area most historic places.   

While speaking at Thomas Jefferson's historic home, Monticello,  Biden paid tribute to the founding father and nation's third President, telling an audience of supporters, “We must never forget the wisdom of Jefferson, and his wife, Wheezy.”

Biden said that “at a time of our history when the American people needed leadership, it was Jefferson who said the immortal words, ‘We’re movin’ on up.’  Proudly speaking of America's greatness he said Let us have the ingenuity of Benjamin Franklin, who invented the electric chair, let us have the honesty of George Washington who told his father that he chopped down a cherry tree because it was blocking his view of the Potomac , and let us also have Washington's perseverance which he demonstrated during that harsh winter at Valley's Gorge.”
And of American hero, Paul Revere he said, “In his famous cry, ‘One if by land, two if by row boat,’ Paul Revere proved that you don’t have to know how to count higher than two to be a great American.”

At the end of his speech in Monticello, the Vice President said that he was excited to be on his way to speak at Arsenio Hall in Philadelphia, “the home of the Taco Bell.”

 Biden leads supporters in a chorus of 'Movin' on Up'

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Rosie O'Donnell Barred from MLB Parks

Chicago  - Coming close on the heels of  her much ballyhooed television talk show being canceled on the Oprah Winfrey's Cable Network, today Rosie O'Donnell was ejected from the first game of a Chicago Cubs Double header.

Seven people were treated for minor injuries and nineteen others treated for severe nausea after Ms. O'Donnell stood up during the 7th inning stretch, turned and flashed the crowd seated behind her box seat.  A loud gasp, then screams came from behind the first base dugout as people enjoyed the break in action.

Bob Glob , a season ticket holder for the past 21 years said " in all my days I have never seen anything that hideous displayed at a ball park since Rosanne Barr grabbed her nuts after screeching the National Anthem. Shit man, there were people yelling and running in all directions....puke flying everywhere." Tammie  Trimmer of near by Watson City said "it was the grossest thing  you can imagine. I broke out in a cold sweat and thought I was going to pass out. My little boy was screaming "is it over mommy.. make it go away!" He's traumatized and may have to seek professional help when he grows up."

Most fans were still too sick to speak to us , but  Henry Tumanela of south side Chicago told us "I spent two tours in Nam and saw some pretty scary stuff..but never like today when she opened up her coat. I'm still shaking and my vision has been blurred every since I looked in her direction."

A Major League spokesman said it unfortunate we have to bar Ms. O'Donnell from MLB parks but people who come to the ballpark to enjoy America's Great Past Time don't expect to be visually assaulted and puke up their $160.00 of refreshments from our full service concession stands conveniently located around the park.

Visiting pitcher, Juan Greenberg of the Minnesota Twins told us " Hell, I was about to climb up in the stands and throw the bitch out myself for thumping peanuts at me in the dugout and screaming that Madonna can throw harder then I can!"

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Allegations Swirl Around Romney Campaign

Middle Finger News - The Romney campaign was dealt a serious blow tonight after his win in the Nevada Caucus. The former Governor and presumptive front runner found himself facing startling accusations of sexual impropriety going back to before his days as Massachusetts Chief Executive. Even more surprising than the actual allegations that were leaked to the press was the source of the information: Mitt Romney himself.

"I've had sex, like, five times," Romney said at a press conference to address the charges. "I mean, granted, I haven't had it since 1980 or '81, but still - that's a lot. I almost can't count that on one hand. And every single time I've had sex, it has resulted in a child. Every. Single. Time."  Romney fell short of defending his past indiscretions but was unapologetic when reporters pressed for details about the mothers of his children, saying he actually impregnated the same woman over and over and "would do it again in a heartbeat." Romney said that unlike an un-named  former competitor of his, he could remember every detail of each sexual fling, but he's now a changed man.

"My magic underpants have been firmly in place for over 30 years now," Romney told the press. "They may be a bit tattered, a bit worn, kind of like my campaign, but also like my campaign, they have a lot of support and cover my ass. This political season we need support from all areas and nothing gives you more of a lift than magic underpants. If we leave it to the Democrats, they will lead us down a path of big government, big taxes, and big skid marks."

Romney's wife Ann has yet to make any formal statement regarding the allegations, although she was overheard telling a friend, "Five times? Mitt? I assume he didn't mean all at once." Rommey family friends say Ann Romney plans to stand by her man. "You better believe Ann knows all about Mitt's sordid sexual past," said one family friend who asked not to be identified. "But she's not going to let some dirty old pair of magic underpants stand between her and the White House, that's for sure. "Ann's like the Latter Day Saints' Hillary Clinton," one friend noted.

Upcoming Presidential Candidate and major challenger to Rommey's candidacy,  Linden Borden, issued a statement on the whole torrid affair, but due  to the language we are unable to repeat it here.