An Absolutely Priceless Performance

H/T Mad Jack

The U.N. Convenes for Annual International Circle Jerk

It’s late September, so that means the United Nations has convened its annual General Assembly and International Circle Jerk / Political Masturbation conference in New York this week. Right now world statesmen are gathering together to make speeches, eat expensive food, and enjoy New York's finest Ladies of the Evening and gay night clubs. They certainly won’t be solving any problems, because as everybody knows the UN isn’t for that. It’s for, … talking and paying transnational bureaucrats extravagant salaries, bashing Israel and occasionally endorsing wars.

Is that overly cynical? Maybe. I don’t know. Probably not. It’s hard to care as the UN is, officially, totally rubbish as the Brits would say. I believe General Secretary Ban Ki-moon said as much himself the last time a bunch of blue helmets returned from a rape expedition in Africa, Although he didn't actually say it that way, of course.

At the opening of the General Assembly in Manhattan on Tuesday he made the following declaration in his opening address:

“This is an era of wondrous opportunity. Ours is the first generation that can wipe poverty from the face of the Earth.”

Given that Mr. Ban is 69 and is statistically likely to pop a tube within the next 8 years (the average male life expectancy in South Korea is 77.4) this can only mean that he has secret knowledge about a cure for the endemic inequality that has beset our species since time immemorial. If he really does know how to end poverty I’d like him to call me, and urgently, because I want to buy a new car but can't afford the one really want.

Alas I fear he was talking rubbish.

The rest of Mr. Ban’s speech meanwhile consisted of worthy platitudes about empowering women, the environment, the horrors of war, etc, all of which are things he and the UN are powerless to do anything about. Why he insists on talking about them, year after year, I am not sure.  Oh wait: It’s his job.

A few years ago, the UN was at least a source of mildly amusing headlines. I remember well that in 2009 batshit crazy Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinerjacket showed up and started waffling on about the Islamic messiah, the Mahdi. Last year he also rambled on about the End Times, inviting mankind to prepare the way for the “Hidden Imam.”  This year his replacement Hassan Rouhani is in town and lots of journalists and politicians are pretending that this signifies an important change. There’s lots of pointless blather about why Obama will not meet with him, and why we should'nt all be really concerned because of course Obama’s “strategies” for the Middle East have all been staggeringly successful so far, haven't they?

Then there was the year Gadhafi talked for 90 minutes in an astonishing stream of consciousness. That was amusing too, so long as you weren’t one of his subjects. But of course Gadhafi’s gone now, lynched by angry Libyans, with a little help from US bombers of. The mention of Gadhafi brings to mind one of the other things the UN does, which is to vote to decide which of America’s wars are officially awesome and which are un-awesome. Actually, only the handful of countries on the Security Council gets to decide on the awesomeness of each war, but you get my gist. The logic governing UN decisions as to what makes a war awesome or not is very mysterious. Or maybe there’s simply no logic to it whatsoever.

Well, at least the General Assembly is not about making war. Rather, a bunch of people talking. Apparently the UN has 193 members and each one of them gets a chance to ramble on the main stage about… you know… Israel, American imperialism… whatever.

North Korea, Norway, Canada, Saudi Arabia: free or un-free, groovy Social Democratic paradise or woman-oppressing theocratic nightmare zone, all are equal in the eyes of the UN and each statesmen will get at least 15 minutes to sound off. And sound off they will, until next Tuesday, when the last of the speakers will finish waffling and everybody will go home again.

Well, let’s look on the bright side. At least it’s a year until the next one.

"Come on America....... Love Me!”

MFNS - So how does America top the electing of the nations first black president....twice? Why of course, naturally it's time to put a woman in the oval office now! Only one women is evident.  Performing brilliantly as First lady for two successful terms and as Secretary of State, single handedly bringing peace to the Middle East when no man could, the choice is clear.

Hillary Clinton is the strong favorite in the 2016 race, leading in polls against all potential democratic and republican rivals by sizable margins. But Clinton herself isn't so sure it's her time to take the Oval Office, repeatedly telling reporters that she's struggling with the decision. Today, MFNS uncovered in a brief phone interview with Hillary herself precisely what that struggle is all about... attention and praise.

“I feel like I want to run, and I'd do a great job as president if I were to win, but I don't know if I'm running yet or not,” Hillary began. “I'm still not sure if the American people would get behind me if I ran. There needs to be a little more evidence to support that. I need a little more praise and attention before I make up my mind.”

“I'm leading in every poll, even the right-leaning ones,” Clinton continued. “There are a bunch of TV miniseries', documentaries, and feature films being made about me. I'm on the cover of magazines and newspapers in every one of the fifty states, and I nearly won in 2008, and would have if I didn't cry on television. Political groups I'm not even personally affiliated with are raising millions of dollars for me before I've even announced if I'm running. Heck, even `Pantsuit Aficionado Magazine' named me their `person of the year' like, twelve times, mostly consecutively! That's about as high an honor as a person can get, shy of winning the presidency of course.”

But none of that seems to be enough praise for the former First Lady. “I need more love and affection hurled at me from the media, my fellow political figures, and the public at large. I won't make a final decision until I'm 100% confident that I'm the most beloved lady in America, shy of Oprah of course. I mean, come on, being more popular or famous than Oprah is just flat-out crazy talk. But I can get a little closer to that than I am now. And once I do, that's when I'll make my final decision. So come on America... love me!”  

Obama's Answer to Debt Reduction: New Taxes and Supermodel Nipples

MFNS - With the impending government shutdown, growing debt and a rebellious House of Representatives on his tail, the president announced today that while his administrative White House staff works feverishly to bring about new a jobs bill, he'll be single-handedly working like a laser beam on fiscal responsibility, penning his own debt reduction plan. The President says that the new bill could have our national debt completely obliterated within three years.

“When President Eisenhower occupied my office, the tax rate for the top bracket was 90%,” Obama explained. “We can't raise taxes these days without those right wingers throwing a conniption fit, but I think we can probably find ways of taxing those @&*%#s without them actually realizing it.”

The President's plan, which is still in its early draft phases, will create a special 60% sales tax on golf equipment, luxury vehicles (including cars, aircraft, and yachts), fillet mignon, cigars, homes costing seven figures or more, maid services, and administrative costs for anyone naming their newborn child `something that ends with III.'”

But the real ingenuity in the President's plan comes in the form of his income tax system. “I spend a lot of time around wealthy people,” President Obama said. “They may not always realize it, but they're always willing to pay more for something if they think it's special, or higher-class. So we're going to raise the income taxes for everyone earning $1 million per year or more to 70%, but tell them we're lowering their taxes to 10%.”

The President watched the confused press pool scratch their heads for a moment before continuing.

“Here's where it gets clever, are you ready for it? The other 60%? We'll tell them they're special, higher-quality taxes on very special tax forms. These special taxes forms are made in the Swiss Alps by hand from endangered Rafflesia flowers from the Amazon by the US Women's Olympic Swim Team, in the buff, with ink heated in a special diamond-encrusted gold oven, fueled by humpback whale oil, before it's thinned with rare Taiwanese squirrel monkey liver oil. The final result is ink that coke-laden supermodels use to dip their nipples in, and with that, all of the letters on the tax forms are inked.”

"These rich bastards are willing to pay $8,000 for a cigar from Mexico that's labeled as being from Cuba, then screw it, they'll over-pay for just about anything they think is uppercrust. While we're at it, maybe we'll lie and tell them that this money won't be going toward building schools, or feeding the hungry, or giving health care to poor children and senior citizens. Let's just say the added taxes go to building new golf courses. I'll bet they won't mind paying their fair share if that's the case!” 

Dozens Sickened, Hospitalised At Navy Yard Memorial Service

by MFNS correspondent Earl of Taint

A mysterious gas released during today’s memorial service for the Navy Yard victims has hospitalized dozens of people exposed to the noxious substance. Witnesses on the scene reported a stench so foul that it was difficult to breathe before it dispersed, approximately 12 minutes after it was first emitted. Police have yet to identify the source of the gas, stating they cannot rule out terrorism at this point.

Read the Complete Report Here 

Hillary Pays a Visit......

Fishnet Friday

A Chance to Put on the Feedbag With Moochelle Obama

this via WZ

"This DCCC email just came in:

Drew –

We wanted you to be the first to know:

Michelle Obama is joining us for brunch — and you could be there! Here’s the deal: if you win, we’ll send you and a friend to San Francisco to meet Michelle, grab brunch, and get a picture. We’ll even cover your hotel and airfare!

Seriously, you don’t want to miss this chance. A brunch and picture with Michelle Obama is a once-in-a-lifetime moment that you’ll be showing your kids and grandkids for years!"

[SNIP]

If I won the invite to the brunch, these guys are who I'd send in my place.....

The Amazing Statue of Genghis Khan

Amusing Planet

To the outside world, Genghis Khan, the fearsome Mongolian warrior who conquered half the known world in the 13th century, is remembered for his brutalities and destruction that he brought upon the conquered regions resulting in the death of forty million people. But to Mongolians, he is a national hero, a larger-than-life figure and the symbol of Mongolian culture, and for good reasons. Genghis Khan founded the Mongol Empire, which became the largest contiguous empire in history, revived the Silk Road, uniting warring tribes and was responsible for cementing the position of Mongols in the world’s map.

After Mongolia overthrew communist rule more than 20 years ago, there appeared a slew of monuments and products celebrating the famous personage known locally as Chinggis Khaan.

Photos and story Here 

How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore

Middle Finger News Service

STUDENTS DEMAND WARS IN EASIER-TO-FIND COUNTRIES

Washington, D.C. - A delegation of American high school students today demanded in front of   the Senate Armed Services Committee that  the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Syria, and instead attack places they've actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.

"Shouldn't we, as Americans, get to decide where all wars are fought?" asked sophomore Kate Shermansky. “People claim we don’t know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it’s so not our fault,” Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told  Committee. “Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we’re supposed to know about places like Somalia and Syracuse.”

“Syria,” corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.

“See?” said Beldoni.

Beldoni’s frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.

“I  like totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to,” said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. “Can’t we fight in, like, Italy? It’s boot-shaped.”

Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.

“OK, what about Arulco?” interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. “That’s a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I’m totally familiar with that place. She’s a major threat.”

“Jagged…?” said Levin.

“Alliance. It’s a computer game.”

“Well, no,” Levin answered. “We can’t attack a fictional country.”

“Yeah right,” Boone mumbled.  

The students’ testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for America’s young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.

“Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan and Iraq on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don’t know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio,” said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Doodywood High School in Atlanta. “I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it.”

“I’ve always wanted to stick it to those bastards in Connecticut,” said Sen. John McCain. “Oh shit, is my microphone on?”

The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation’s capital, but forgot which city it was in.