Great Britain Announces Reclamation of America

 

To the citizens of the United States of America

from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your current failure to financially and politically  manage yourselves and also, your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents and therefore not properly govern yourselves, The Crown hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

I, Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except New Jersey, which we do not wish to acquire.)

Your new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson (bojo@uk.gov), will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' and 'nigga' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday,  enough of your foolish inebriation. 

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a concealed vegetable peeler.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get over it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup up but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American beer will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball and learn cricket.

13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)

14. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

 

Somewhat Respectfully,

Elizabeth II, Queen of All England and Boss of You

God Save the Queen!

______________________________

Oscar Mayer's Bologna Moisturizing Face Mask Quickly Sells Out. We Ask Why??

This is Not Satire, But Ironically From Meatheads at CNN.

New York (CNN Business) If the thought of using a slice of bologna as a moisturizing face mask was tempting, you're out of luck — for now. Oscar Mayer's bologna-inspired face mask sold out less than a day after its release on Amazon. Kraft Heinz blamed the shortage on "unexpected incredibly high demand" and said in a statement that the product would be restocked "over the coming days." 

It's the number one new release in Amazon's beauty and personal care section. 

The new product isn't actually a slimy piece of meat.  Kraft Heinz (KHC) partnered with Seoul Mamas, a Korean skin care company, to create a "hydrating and restoring hydrogel" mask that promotes skin elasticity, improves hydration and moisture retention. (Oddly, those are not among the typical side benefits associated with ingesting the sodium-filled deli meat.) 

The $5 skin care product was created as a "playful spin on the often serious 'New Year, New You' trope with its meaty take on the self-care space.  It's also an homage to those oddball kids in school who would bite out eyes and a mouth on a bologna slice and put it on their face.

Oscar Mayer did have the forethought to provide the shallow end of the liberal gene pool, that is probably their target consumer, with a large warning label on the packaging that says "do not eat bologna masks."

It puts the meat on its face... right after it puts the lotion on its skin...

 

Middle Finger Symphony Theater

 ~ NO TUXEDOS REQUIRED ~

Brought To You By BLUESJUNKY: Middle Finger Symphony Music Chair of Music

Squinty Scarborough: Give Biden 2 Hours and He'll Be Talking About 7-11 Stores. 🤣🤣🤣

Clean Up on Aisle 46

They [Obama-Biden] sent the wrong signals in 2014. They're sending the wrong signals now....."

~ Thank You MJA@IOTWReport for the Linkage! ~

Your Official Semi-World Famous Irredeemable Mid-Week Open Thread

Your Beloved Blog Editrix Turns Things Over to You, the Readers.

Got Something to Say? Well, Here's Your Chance!

 ____________________________________________ 

This Week Your Hump Day Open Thread Is Sponsored By: 

 The Democrat National Committee 

 "FJB"- Jules Winnfield

He's Only Been in Office a Year, But Seems Like Forever

Dr. Jill - I didn’t expect ‘healing role’ as first lady. 🙃

Well neither did we sister! But according to the AP, while sitting in the sunshine near the swimming pool at a lavish Casino Hotel in Las Vegas, the first lady told the Associated Press she saw herself as a key member of President Joe Biden’s team; that she found herself taking on a role that "I didn’t kind of expect, which was like a healing role."

“I would want to know that my president and first lady cared about me. I think that’s an important part of what I do. I mean, just helping people through the tough times.”

She's obviously trapped up in her own imaginary bubble of DC royalty. Someone needs to tell Dr. Jill that shuttling her husband back and forth between DC and Delaware every weekend doesn't really qualify as healing a nation. And dragging your husband to the site of a disaster 10 days after the event is not healing either, doc. It's a photo op. We know the difference. 

We all know she watched with envy a drooling media shower an undignified & unattractive Michell Obama with glowing comments of her intelligence and monthly fashion magazine covers wearing clownish outfits, and she wants some of that. She wants it really bad. 

Truth be told, Dr. Jill should just be glad that the media is having mercy on her and not giving her the Melania Trump treatment because her husband is a senile doofus who's run the country into the ditch.  

A Good Monday Morning

Many Americans Are Having a Ralphie-Ovaltine Moment, and I Don't Feel for Them.

In many homes across the country the classic movie "A Christmas Story" is a holiday staple.  In this perfect little movie, Ralphie has several loss-of-youthful-innocence moments. One of the most poignant is his effort to decode a message to save radio heroine Little Orphan Annie. Ralphie eagerly awaited his special decoder rings arrival in the mail. This is important stuff!  He finally receives the decoder package and rushes off to sit in privacy and decode.  The narrator recounts the tension building as he deciphers. That’s until the whole message is clear.  A stunned Ralphie realizes he’s been duped. It’s another bittersweet moment where he is yanked into the sphere of mature knowledge.

For some Americans, their Ralphie-Ovaltine moment is coming.*   I don’t think it’s funny. I don’t envy them.  At some point, these Ralphies will be engaged, perhaps feverishly, with recollecting a lingering aspect of the chaos of the years of this present presidency, one they voted for in the belief he was their legally elected savior, and it’ll hit them.

Perhaps it will be when one of the many inside stories of the senile man they voted for was really a dupe.  A place holder.  One who did the left's bidding by appointments chosen for him by others that opened wide the doors and allowed the Marxist to march right into the seats of government.

Perhaps they’ll read a book about autocratic or Marxist propaganda. Or maybe they’ll read–or re-read–1984. They will see that a long and unfortunately reliable way to fool people is with what they now project onto many truths they oppose as "The Big Lie." They will come to know that if you tell a monster lie, a preposterous untruth, and repeat it enough, people will come to believe it.  Perhaps they will finally come to realize the Main Stream Media are just useful idiots, mouthpieces gleefully doing the left's bidding for a good ratings payoff, and not the real news after all.

Or perhaps it will be when they realize their freedoms have been eroded. That they too cannot buy books not approved of.  That they too cannot speak freely, or they too cannot go buy what they want, when they want.  Or perhaps it will be when they have no way to protect themselves and their families from a certain criminal element they for long so coddled as unjustly persecuted because of skin color.

Perhaps they will not have their moment for many years. Perhaps it will come when their kids or even grandkids will read about this era of the New Progressive America.  Perhaps it will be them that sees through the government approved lies about the integrity of the U.S. elections, and how many enablers went along with them to get votes. And perhaps a young face will look up to them asking, "You certainly didn’t believe that, did you?"  Faced with that question, what will our Ralphies do when they think back on the unpatriotic and undemocratic actions they approved of at the time, just to remove a president they were told they disliked because (fill in the blank). Or, even with so much time having passed, will they follow dutifully from the wreckage of integrity of the past year and simply lie themselves?

Regardless, I will not feel for these future Ralphies, as many will have a moment when their belief in a utopian progressive movement they went along with because it was cool, will be abruptly shattered, splintered by the searing shock of knowledge that the recent years had been largely a sham: a bloated, unamerican Marxist commercial.

No, I will not feel for them when they do.....

Half the respondents in a new CBS News poll released on Sunday said they were frustrated with Joe Biden's presidency, just a few days before he marks his first full year in office.

*Inspired by a comment during a recent dinner conversation.

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Middle Finger Symphony Theater

 ~ NO TUXEDOS REQUIRED ~

Brought To You By BLUESJUNKY: Middle Finger Symphony Music Chair of Music

The Life and Times Of A Lyin’ Dog-faced Pony Soldier

"The Autobiography of Joe Biden by Joe Biden" - Joe Biden

"I graduated from Syracuse, in two years with three degrees under my belt, and got married. I wanted to join the Army and fly PT Boats in ‘Nam, but every time I tried to join, I was got a deferment. The recruiters all said the same thing. “Man, you saved all those black kids at the pool. You deserve a medal and five deferments. ‘Cause Joe, you’re gonna be president some day.......” 

READ THE  Abridge Version Here

Your Official Semi-World Famous Irredeemable Mid-Week Open Thread

Your Beloved Blog Editrix Turns Things Over to You, the Readers.

Got Something to Say? Well You Better Say It Now Dammit! 

_____________________________

This Week Your Hump Day Open Thread Is Sponsored By: 

 The Indiana Nut Company™ 

"You've Never Busted a Nut Like This Before" - Jules Winnfield