Biden: "The Can has been Unsealed but Yet to be Opened"

Update - U.S. Vows to Open Can of Whoop Ass at Sochi  

(MFNS) As promised, the U.S. team is doing well in Sochi, but the predicted ass whooping is coming along slowly. Behind in the gold, but doing well in the overall medal count.

A pumped and excited Vice President Joe biden,  who touts himself as the "Nations Largest Athletic Supporter", speaking before a convention of Deodorant Soap Manufactures said today "we're holding our own with those Russkis in medals and that's all that really counts...... but does anyone know where the hell these guys from Norway come from anyway?" Biden also told the group  he can't wait till the Sochi gymnastics start. "I'm a big fan of gymnastical matches and our guys and gals in tights".

A buffed and taut Joe Biden shows off his athletic physique
at a Deodorant Soap Manufactures event 

Biden dropped hints to reporters after the speech that he might challenge Vladimir Putin to an Olympic Arm Wrestling contest if the medal count winds up tied between the two countries.

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(MFNS) - The United States is a serious contender to top the medals count at the Winter Olympics in Sochi, but its prospects on Olympic snow and ice weren't always so promising.

Following a dismal performance at the 1988 Winter Games in Calgary, Canada, where the US team garnered just six medals, the US Olympic Committee launched an overhaul of it's system of training athletes that experts credit with helping vault American athletes to dominance. The rise of U.S. Winter Olympians since Calgary is evident not only in their medal haul, but in their intense training for new events added in this years games which should help in America's medal count. 

The U.S. goes into the games heavily favored in the new "Skateless Ice Dancing" competition, inspired by the world wide popularity of the American TV show 'Dancing with the Stars'.

U.S. Olympians Marie Carson and Mario Puci practice for
Skateless Ice Dance Pairs Competition 

Another event the U.S. is expected to do well in is one of the most anticipated events on the Sochi ice this Olympics,  the new "Free-for-all Singles Free Style Skating" competition with hockey type defense. 

Skaters take to the ice together and during their free-style skate performance are allowed to to make contact and neutralize an opponent in accordance with European Hockey rules.  

U.S. Team Coach, Bruno Bobnoski told MFNS  "You'd would think that a country that gave the world Dirty Harry and Rambo would be very, very good at this shit, and we plan on taking out those commie pussies and take at least the Gold and Silver medals, which would be pretty impressive stuff. As incentive, I told my skaters to think about that crappy hotel room the commies gave em. That should do it. 

When ask about the prediction of an epic defeat at the hands of the U.S. team, Russian Olympic Skating coach Boris Cramdoffski's only comment was "Едят дерьмо капиталистических свиней".