Monday, July 13, 2015

Memo From Jade Helm 15 H.Q.:

For Immediate Release:
Operation Soiled Trousers 15 Is Here 

Congratulations, comrades!  The Week of Operations is here.
In the wake of our successful False Flag attack in Charleston, our Politically Correct allies have destroyed the last symbol of resistance to tyranny, and while the nation is distracted by the insane ramblings of a crazy man with a squirrel on his head, the hour has come for Our Commander of Chief to declare martial law across the southwest, and to start rounding up the guns and the patriots! Jade Helm 15 is finally here!

And remember to say a friendly “Ni hao!” to our Chinese comrades as they come flooding out of the subterranean tunnels dug to China in the closed Wal-mart operational centers.  Even if our Glorious Leader doesn't announce his plan to bend America to his will this time, there will no doubt be some hilarious videos of idiots yelling at Army personel.

But beware -the patriots are watching!  The Houston Chronicle warns that the Army’s “training exercise” (hah! That one never gets old) will be monitoring our operations on the internet, which will somehow remain functioning even when the shit hits the fan. A website called “Counter Jade Helm” has been slapped together so that patriots can keep track of our troop movements, and it’s got all sorts of cool resources, like a place for citizens to report all the suspicious stuff they see us do in their area.  It’s not often that you see such a smooth integration of wingnut jargon and forward-looking design sense.

Eric Johnston of Kerrville, Texas, explained to the Houston Chronicle how the Counter Jade Helm patriots will provide situation reps on military's maneuvers:

“If a team member sees two Humvees full of soldiers driving through town, they’re going to follow them,” Johnston said. “And they’re going to radio back their ultimate location.”

Not that the Texan watchers are paranoid or anything — they don’t really think martial law is going to be declared, probably, but they do “feel like they can’t trust us, and want to make sure the Military isn’t under orders to pull anything funny. The group is under strict voluntary orders not to wear camouflage, so they won’t look like paranoid crazies.

We feel so much more confident knowing that only sober, professional paranoids will be monitoring our operations. The Chronicle reports that Johnston figures the military is “up to something,” even though they’re not sure what.

"even though I doubt Obama will seize power in the coming weeks, I've got a gut feeling that something big is going down.  Two and two doesn’t add up.” 
Carry On!