From Somewhere inside the Witness Protection Program:
Hey everyone, I just wanted to apologize about inadvertently providing the FBI with new evidence for the investigation into Hillary Clinton and her private server. Director Comey obviously has a personal agenda, but still, I hope that nothing bad results from all this, like someone who just last week was being crowned winner of the presidential race actually losing. I just feel really, really awful about this. Can you imagine if I’m forever known as the dolt who unwittingly got Donald Trump elected? The shame will literally destroy me. I’ll have nothing left to live for, except the off chance that some young coed who’s never heard of Weinergate will send me a Whatsapp message asking for a photo of my package.
Yikes! Pardon me, seriously. I’m under a lot of stress. You know, it’s just that the whole country, no, the whole world, really sees me as some sort of huge doofus, the type of monumental klutz who single-handedly brings down a billion-dollar presidential campaign. I’m sure everyone is really pissed off at me. And they’re right to be angry. You know, in times like these we have to take a moment to step back and smile. Want to see something cute? It’s a picture of a baby elephant trunk. Look, I’ve got it right here on my phone.
Doh! Please forgive me. It’s not my fault. Contrary to what’s been said in the media, I don’t enjoy this, all these articles and news reports characterizing me as some kind of incurable exhibitionist. Honestly, I don’t like being the focus of so much attention. I don’t want everyone looking at me. Just one special NYU poli sci major with whom I’ve been chatting. Are you reading this, Amanda Zamarra? Check your inbox for a message with a huge attachment.
Seriously, I didn’t grow up thinking one day I’d marry the top aide to the first female presidential candidate for a major party, then screw it all up by sexting with an underaged teen and getting caught. No, believe it or not, I had other things on my mind when I was young. Sports, for example. Just look at this picture in my high school yearbook, there I am with the swim team. Can you see the ol’ wiener through my speedos?
Oh man, there I go again. Would someone please kindly give me some more medication? And if you don’t mind, just tell me how good I look in these jockey shorts?