Saturday, June 8, 2013

President Issues Statement to Verzion Users

WASHINGTON - Today, President Obama issued the following letter to all Verizon customers:

 Dear Verizon Customers,

Recently it came to light that the National Security Agency has been collecting, without my knowledge,  millions of phone records from you each and every day. Since that news was released, many of you have called the White House with questions and concerns about this new program. To save my time and yours, here are answers to three of the F.A.Q.s (Frequently Asked Questions) we’ve been hearing from you:

1. Will I be charged extra for this service?
I’m happy to say that the answer is no. While the harvesting and surveillance of your domestic phone calls were not a part of your original Verizon service contract, the National Security Agency is providing this service entirely free of charge.
2. If I add a phone to my account, will those calls also be monitored? 
 Once again, the answer is good news. If you want to add a child or any other family member to your Verizon account, their phone calls—whom they called, when, and the duration of the call—will all be monitored by the United States government, at no additional cost.
3. Can the National Security Agency help me understand my Verizon bill? 
 Unfortunately, no. The entire National Security apparatus  has tried, but failed, to understand Verizon’s bills. Please call Verizon customer service and follow the series of electronic prompts.
 I hope I’ve helped clear up some of the confusion about this exciting new program. But if you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to call the White House. Joe Biden is standing by to answer all your questions. 
 God bless America,
 President Barack Obama

Borowitz 

6 comments:

  1. OMG, this is fantastic! So hilarious that I'm still giggling . . . can NSA help me understand my bill. hee!!!

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  2. That is absolutely perfect. It not only catches the words but that actual feel of one of his speeches. I could hear him in my head. Wonderful!

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  3. Thank you Mr. President for your thoughtful answers to our questions.

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  4. You do know Jan that you are on Emperor Obama's bad girl list doncha? :-) I've got a backed up toilet do ya think the NSA can help me with that? I mean it is their specialty. Fulla shit.

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    1. Jack, I'm probably in pretty good company on that list.
      I also made Santa's "Bad Girl" list last year also. ;)

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