Key Democrats met secretly to confer about the party’s future as America approached the one-year anniversary of their stunning and hilarious humiliation by Donald Trump. The key question they sought to answer: “How can we Democrats appeal to those Jesus-loving, racist idiots who hate science and don’t live on the coast like everyone we know?”
Sen Chuck Schumer opened the discussion:
"We’re here to freely exchange ideas in an atmosphere of openness and unlimited inquiry. With that in mind, your program has a list of the things you can’t say, like ‘illegal alien’ and ‘Christmas.’ It also has a handy cheat sheet of everyone’s preferred pronouns. Mine are ‘he’ and ‘him,’ while Senator Menendez’s are ‘convict’ and ‘Number 675973.’ Also, be sure to observe the rule about not mansplaining, which should not be a problem with this group.”He then turned it over to 105 year-old Nancy Pelosi, who asked, “Where am I?” After Schumer whispered in her ear, she began:
“With the economy booming, the stock market setting records, and America defeating ISIS, things have never been worse. That’s why we need to keep The Resistance going, because it’s been a huge success so far in my district in San Francisco and, I’m sure, in your districts in Manhattan, Chicago, and Havana. And we need to expand our party, which means we need to convince dirty, stupid, transphobic normal Americans to come to grips with their own failings and join us.”“We could tell them they’re stupid even more often,” suggested Al Franken.
“And racist,” suggested Maxine Waters.
“Also, Islamophobic,” said Keith Ellison.
“In my state, I can go potty with girls!” said California’s Gavin Newsom.
“Clearly, there’s something wrong with these people, so we need to consult with someone with a genuine connection with normal Americans. Sadly, Hillary Clinton isn’t here to help us. If anyone connects with Middle America, it’s her. Unfortunately, she’s fallen and she can’t get up.”Pelosi then made the “drinky drinky” gesture, and the crowd nodded.
“Now look,” Schumer said, frustrated. “We have to defend 22 Senate seats next year, many in red states. How the hell are we going to do that?”
“Move left,” said Bernie Sanders.
“I know!” came a shrill, grating voice from the back of the room. Hillary Clinton entered with a bandage around her head and limping from the broken toe she got when she “slipped” while wearing her trademark high heels. She took the mic and the room fell still.
“We can start treating normal Americans with respect. We can honor them for their hard work, patriotism, and devotion to family. We can stop insulting their religious beliefs and trying to shove our urban blue state values down their throats. When criminals murder fellow citizens, we can choose not to blame law-abiding gun owners, and instead of calling them ‘racists’ for voting for Trump, talk to them and learn why they felt he was offering them more than the Democratic Party.”The room was silent, and the crowd sat staring with jaws slack.
“And…and…,” she said, then steadied herself on the podium, looking around confused.
“Are you all right, Madame Should-Be-President?” asked Schumer, handing her a goblet of Chardonnay. She drank it in one gulp. “I don’t understand…what happened?” she asked.
“You were just mumbling random words, crazy talk,” Schumer said. “It didn’t make any sense at all.”