Sunday, September 30, 2012

CNN to Release Entire On-Air Staff

Middle Finger News Service

Atlanta - It was announced in a hastily called news conference Saturday night that Cable News Giant CNN is to fire the entire prime-time on-air news reporting staff effective October 1. CNN President of Media relation, Jim "Pinky" Cogburn and Founder of the Cable News Network, Ted Turner spoke to reporters in a crowded room near CNN headquarters to make the announce that they could "no longer hide the obvious bias in their news organization. "

"That freakin rat bastard Pat Caddell spilled the beans on the media and now we feel as if we should just be open about it" said Turner "We are going full Tilt Obama, 24/7"

"To  facilitate the truthfulness of our agenda," said Cogburn "we will release all current CNN talking heads to seek employment at a less bias media organ such as PBS."  

The New Lineup for the network promises to be straight forward Pro-Obama and leftist to the bone.

Left to Right- Martino, Krass, Schwartz, Leggman, Berkowitz, Dubue'

The new Prime Time line-up will consist of Prime Anchor Hairy Leggman , formerly of San Francisco bay area television news fame, former professor of journalism and the media at NYU and a expert on the leftist political scene. The Business News Team will be taken over by Gary "Kneecap" Schwartz, former SEUI treasurer and retirement consultant, known for his no nonsense approach to business, and Tess Berkowitz, Berkley O.W.S. organizer and former NYSE receptionist. Reporting on the National Weather, underground and above, will be popular weather babe, Randy Martino of Key West Florida's Gay Island Radio News. 

Senior Political correspondent for the network is to be Lillian Krass, former senior adviser to Senator John Edwards and right hand man to NY Representative Anthony Weiner. Her savvy inside backroom knowledge of Washington puts the network well ahead of it competitors on the issues of the day. Entertainment news brings Christopher "Chrissie" Dubue' to the team. Christopher is a Toni Award winner for his leading role in the Off-Broadway production of "Mame". Dubue' is personal friends with entertainers such as Madonna, Cher, Joy Behar, Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon and many others, and was appointed national co-chairperson of the Samuel L. Jackson "Wake the F**k up" campaign.

The only holdover from the previous lineup are to be Anderson Cooper, who will be the war correspondent for the Republican War on Women and the Middle Class, and Candy Crowley who, after the debates will be doing regular features on Health and Fitness.

CNN awaits a new day at the network, one of not hiding behind a phony shield, of pretending of being non- partisan. 

"Our Mission" said Cogburn, "is to get Barack Obama's ass reelected and do it with all the integrity we can muster here at the nation's leading news source."


  1. Sounds like they may be going into direct competition with MSNBC. The line up looks pretty close. Their combined audiences of 5 viewers should be desperate trying to decide between them.

  2. Hopefully they are releasing them into the wild where they belong.

  3. One of the anchors must have been caught "butt-chugging" a CNN anchor's boy? Perhaps that's why they dumped everyone (har har)?

  4. Well, at least they get rid of Piers Moron. That's gotta be a plus, right?