Saturday, September 29, 2012

America's Newest Trend:

by Matthew N.
from The Lunatic Asylum

Alcoholic Enemas...

"Thank God we have 'experts' to constantly remind us not to do that which seems obviously stupid. I'll bet the guy who came up with that self-evident little piece of handy advice was paid at least high six-figures.

It's a good thing we're sending our children off to college in record numbers, huh? This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what some of you have saved for all of your lives. It is what you have sacrificed or deferred vacations, dental fillings, the occasional steak, knee-replacement surgery and new cars for. It is why you have indebted yourself for the rest of your natural life with second mortgages and school loans.

 All so your kids can go off to college, get a Master's Degree in Holistic Basketweaving (in only 7 years, too!), and in the meantime, discover new, exciting -- and dangerous -- things to stick up their backsides, or to do with alcohol, and preferably do both simultaneously. This is what most of you are paying nearly $60,000 a year for in the vain hope that your child will emerge from the college experience just slightly smarter than when they went in...."

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  1. SO now its "Bum and Coke?" It kind of makes smoking weed seem a bit more classy.

  2. After all this time I find out I've doing it all wrong. I've been drinking my beer the old fashioned way. My only question is, How do they get the glass in there?

  3. Why do they need to imitate Barney Frank and the Fruitcakes? Is life so bad to the point that they need to "butt-chug" some Jim Beam and Johnny Walker?

  4. @Odie:

    No joke, but I used to date an ER nurse, and she once told me that it was fairly common for people to come into the ER with (often strange) objects lodged in their posteriors. Including shot glasses.

    Funniest story: man comes in with an old-fashioned, green-glass Coke bottle firmly ensconced within his rectum. They can't pull it out, because the empty bottle had formed a vacuum inside the anus. The doc decided to get a bone drill with a fine bit and drill a small hole at the bottle's base to allow air inside and break the vacuum, only to have the damned thing shatter due to vibration.

    Let this (and AIDS) be a warning to you all: there's a damned good reason why your anus is Exit-Only.