An Undecided Diogenes Reader Attempts a Decision on Voting

Undecided Lars Abdul Mendoza III

Like many Americans, I have had a difficult time deciding which candidate to support in the  Presidential election. In my view, both candidates bring little to the table and are members of political parties that have contributed to the country’s current sad state of affairs.

Some thought Obama the Jesus we never asked for, even if he was a Kenyan, socialist, abortion loving Baptist Muslim communist. Hell, Jesus was a liberal anyway. And Romney strapped a horse to the roof of his dog’s tax returns. Who does that? 


At face value, I simply can’t distinguish between the two. With this in mind, I have instead come up with a formula to help aid in my decision, and hopefully yours. Using complex mathematic algorithms and advanced scientific theories, it is possible for a voter to make an informed, confident choice when deciding who to support for president by simply applying a point system to each candidate. Following are an example of my system:

Has experience running various businesses: +1 Romney
Liquidated many of those businesses: -1 Romney

Looks athletic enough to run a marathon +1 Obama
…but smokes: -1 Obama

Mormons believe some weird-ass stuff: – 1 Romney
The Broadway show “Book of Mormon” won nine Tony awards: +1 Romney

Is a big fan of Chicago sports: +1 Obama
…but his favorite team is the White Sox: -1 Obama

Appreciates a good beer: +1 Obama
Doesn’t drink…ever: -2 Romney

The last four years: -1 Obama
The eight years before that: -1 Romney

His presidency broke through long-standing racial barriers: +1 Obama

Has endorsements of Hugo Chavez, Vladimir Putin, Cher 
and most of the mainstream media: -3 Obama

 Endorsed by Donald Trump: -2 Romney

Joe Biden: -3 Obama

So, tallying up the up the points leaves us at:

-5 Romney, -5 Obama…a tie. DAMN!

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