Poor deeply depressed David Brooks. The New York Times columnist continues his embarrassing public display of utter despair at the decline of his beloved Republican Establishment, with this drunken rant from the GOP bar:
"It’s 2 a.m. The bar is closing. Republicans have had a series of strong and nasty Trump cocktails. Suddenly Ted Cruz is beginning to look kind of attractive. At least he’s sort of predictable, and he doesn’t talk about his sexual organs in presidential debates!
Well, Republicans, have your standards really fallen so low so fast? Are you really that desperate? Can you remember your 8 p.m. selves, and all the hope you had about entering a campaign with such a deep bench of talented candidates?"Oh, you thought we were kidding, didn't you? You could not have imagined Brooks was quite literally drowning his GOPe sorrows, trying to find some reason not to call it a night just yet. Silly you.
Brooks is knocking back shot after shot of 150-proof denial, and it isn’t pretty. He knows the dreadfully uncouth swaggering Donald Trump is ahead in the primary, with Ted Cruz and his “pagan brutalism” in second place. But if the party could just think back to an earlier time, when David Brooks’s boyfriend Marco Rubio was the obvious best choice, according to people named David Brooks and no one else really, perhaps Brooks won't have to go home alone:
"There is another path, one that doesn't leave you self-loathing in the morning. It's a long shot, but given the alternatives, it’s worth trying. First, hit the pause button on the rush to Cruz. Second, continue the Romneyesque assault on Trump. The results on Saturday, when late voters swung sharply against the Donald, suggest it may be working..."Oh yes he did say “Romneyesque assault.”
And, assuming the Romneyesque assault fails to turn things around, Brooks has some more fever dreams that just might work:
And if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a-hoppin’. But since Kasich is currently a few points behind in his own state, and Rubio is behind in his home state, let's live dangerously and imagine those precious ifs don't come to pass.Third, work for a Marco Rubio miracle in Florida on March 15. Fourth, clear the field for John Kasich in Ohio. If Rubio and Kasich win their home states, Trump will need to take nearly 70 percent of the remaining delegates to secure a majority. That would be unlikely; he’s only winning 44 percent of the delegates now.
"It would be bedlam for a few days, but a broadly acceptable new option might emerge. It would be better than going into the fall with Trump, which would be a moral error, or Cruz, who in November would manage to win several important counties in Mississippi."Ah, a new option could emerge from a brokered convention! Perhaps a Rubio-shaped one? Or a Romney-shaped one?
"The hour is late and the odds may be long. But there is still hope."No, David Brooks, there is no hope. The bar is closed, the lights are off, and all the pretty girls have paired off with The Donald or Ted. And while you, David Brooks, might be imagining some imaginary moderate Republican candidate with imaginary broad appeal who can save the GOP from itself at 2 a.m., look around, pal, because you’re the only one left here.