Sunday, March 29, 2020

Dispatches From the Frontline of a Local Chinese Wuhan Coronavirus Self Quarantine

From the desk of Scooter Van Neuter

The reason I haven't written anything for a while is because our home has become ground zero for the coronavirus, and the situation is dire.
It all started when my girlfriend Sissy and I had dinner at a Chinese restaurant close to Disneyland last month. At that point, the coronavirus was barely in the news, so we were oblivious to the danger.

Anyway, while using the restroom, my genitals inadvertently made contact with the toilet handle, hand dryer button, and soap dispenser (how is not important). I thought little about it at the time.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks later when I started showing symptoms of a bad cold. Sissy was watching a news report on the Wuhan virus and suddenly came to the startling realization that we had recently eaten at Hung-Lo while in California. My blood turned to ice water as I remembered the bathroom incident and I told Sissy about the accidental contact.

I regret a lot of things I've done in my life - the thong incident, the lobster dare, the drunken, inappropriate comments to that cage fighter's slutty 10-year-old daughter, urinating on the police dog, etc., but none more than telling Sissy about the Chinese bathroom. The result is now Sissy won't come near me unless we're both wearing surgical masks - me wearing two - one on my face and one on my genitals. In order to not accidentally touch her face, Sissy also wears oven mitts and secondary face protection (Halloween mask), which makes her look retarded.

As if our normal life isn't compromised enough by this hideous disease, even date night has turned into a farce, with Sissy Skyping me from the bedroom in that meter maid outfit I like so much, while I rub up against the lawnmower in the backyard shed. To make matters worse, I'm now suffering from a festering rash which I fear may be agricultural, and thus untreatable.  After all this, you would think I'd be bitter, but nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, I'm upset with the Chinese for ruining date night and likely killing me with an infectious disease, but my religion (Reformed Appliantology) dictates that I forgive them.

Scooter Van

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