Late Night Musings From The Bathtub

I have reached the age where everything I think happen 2-3 years ago really happen in 2004.

Imagine Bob Ross and Gordon Ramsey had swapped professions.....

"The chicken is a little undercooked, but that's okay.We'll cook it a little more, it will be our secret little accident...."

"Does this fucking tree look happy to you?! DOES IT?!" 

Do rich people still ride around eating mustard in the back seat of their cars?

Buying a frozen pizza is such a lie. Oh I'll save this for when I don't feel like cooking.

Day one. I don't feel like cooking.

Every time I see a period piece set in old England I imagine the british having sex like "mmmm yes, splendid indeed...carry on...oh good heavens... I'm arriving!"

And I love how in Greek mythology they had legendary dudes with names like Zeus, Ares, Apollo, Hercules and Theseus, then they threw in some guy named Jason for some reason. 

I swear some people go to Starbucks just to say random words:

Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam, quad soy hexacon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice.

I love joining in on class action lawsuits I get emails about. Hell yeah I've been wronged. Justice needs to be served! A surprise check for $14.00 in 6 years will make things right!

I meet so many people these days that could be anything they wanted to be, but an asshole seems a strange choice.

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each little clove with it's own fucking paperwork.

Nothing drives me into absolute rage more than spending 30 minutes in a phone queue waiting to perform a task that cannot be completed on the website while a voice reminds me every 30 seconds that the website is convenient and fun.

I read that in the UK police found 44 diamonds up a man's anus during a routine traffic stop. " Uuh.. this guy looks suspicious. Let's look up his ass..."

I also read during my thirst for knowledge today that "female penguins exchange sex for nice rocks." So if you're having a hard day, remember that hooker penguins exist.

I have zero regrets naming my roomba "floor slut".

Geaux Tigahs!