Some Tips on How to Survive the Revolution

In our interweb travels we have from time to time strayed off the beaten path and found ourselves accidentally in the stupefying land of Reddit, and it's many retarded children call 'subreddits', where one can find themselves marvelling at its inhabitants and improbable woes. Where all is not well and the natives are restless

"Trans men are getting their posts deleted for saying “guys. It’s insane." 

But other bedlamite communities are also available - like Rejecting Capitalism with some helpful info for the budding rookie anarchists and revolutionaries out there.

"Has anyone here ever lived without money? Like, just decided to quit their job and purely lived off either the kindness of strangers or not so legal methods?"

Now there’s a lot to unpack here, what with the implications of crime and the assumption of some inexhaustible human kindness. But let’s press on, for some revolution deep and radical knowledge may await: 

"I did, for a little while. My partner would go out and dumpster dive, and I would forage and garden, that was our “grocery shopping.” I knew where to find fruit and wild vegetables. It took about a year to learn what was edible in the area. We started viewing people’s garbage as an inventory to draw whatever we needed from. Our dwelling place looked abysmal, but functioned. 

Living free brings out a wild, animalistic side of the human brain that most people aren’t accustomed to. It got hard to get along with the rest of the world around us. I still worked a job as a fry cook....."

So not entirely liberated from those evil capitalist shackles. Eh?

".....and my partner got into a fight with one of my coworkers." 

I’m sure it wasn’t due to any maladjustment. 

"We also fought with our neighbours who were my friends. I truly miss the experience, but I believe it was too much for my ex to handle and it accelerated their mental health issues." 

Okay then. 

 

And then there’s this guru of the revolution: 

"I spent several years trying to live in rejection of capitalism; I squatted, I hustled, I did commercial burglaries and retail thefts, dumpster dove, lived on the kindness of others, but money usually reared its ugly head one way or another." 

Other revolutionists offer their hard-won wisdom:

"My record (for a year) is around $600. Squatting, dumpster/Papa Murphy’s at closing time. I had a company phone from my old job so no bill. They found out eventually but I had free service for a few years. Pigs!" 

Then there's Margot, a “nutrition counsellor.” She is “root-cause and system focussed.” What do we eat during the revolution? Turns out you can’t smash capitalism and agitate the proletariat without a solid meal plan. 

"I wanna discuss and explore with you what, er, how we divest from capitalism while balancing, and, er, while getting adequate nutritional needs. We’re not gonna burn out this time. We’re not gonna let the resistance break us."

Tiktok commies are doing revolution meal prep, I am dying 💀😂

You cannot make this up. pic.twitter.com/2OYFD6A2NP

— Bugman Hegel (@FedPoasting) November 15, 2023

Apparently, the revolution will be fuelled by cashew milk and vegan pseudo-cheese. Because as capitalism is toppled, and amid the riots and burning cars, there will, it seems, be space for neurotic niche cuisine. And so, while her comrades “break capitalism” and “abolish” prison, and as violent criminals roam the streets unmolested, Margot will be instructing the little people on how to dry pepper seeds and how to wash foraged bin scraps in vinegar to remove any trace of those nasty pesticides. 

Margot and her peers, these psychologically precarious young women – all of a remarkably narrow social class – are they tell us, the ones who will be “moving the world forward.” And they’ll bestow this gift, this glorious transformation on us for our own good.