Middle Finger News Service
Washington, D.C. - A delegation of American high school students today demanded in front of the Senate Armed Services Committee that the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Syria, and instead attack places they've actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.
"Shouldn't we, as Americans, get to decide where all wars are fought?" asked sophomore Kate Shermansky. “People claim we don’t know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it’s so not our fault,” Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told Committee. “Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we’re supposed to know about places like Somalia and Syracuse.”
“Syria,” corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.
“See?” said Beldoni.
Beldoni’s frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.
“I like totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to,” said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. “Can’t we fight in, like, Italy? It’s boot-shaped.”
Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.
“OK, what about Arulco?” interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. “That’s a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I’m totally familiar with that place. She’s a major threat.”
“Jagged…?” said Levin.
“Alliance. It’s a computer game.”
“Well, no,” Levin answered. “We can’t attack a fictional country.”
“Yeah right,” Boone mumbled.
The students’ testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for America’s young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.
“Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan and Iraq on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don’t know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio,” said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Doodywood High School in Atlanta. “I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it.”
“I’ve always wanted to stick it to those bastards in Connecticut,” said Sen. John McCain. “Oh shit, is my microphone on?”
The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation’s capital, but forgot which city it was in.