Sunday, August 31, 2014

Walmart to Greatly Expand Services to Walmartians

Following weeks of intense consumer profiling and sophisticated demographic trending, Walmart customers can soon expect to get far more from their local Supercenter than just a pedicure, a tire change and a greasy bag of chicken gizzards.  According to sources familiar with jelly shoes and baby-daddies, over the next several months the mega-retailer is expected to unveil countless new services to its empire.

Image Swiped from the Woodsterman

 In addition to Walmart's already highly successful lineup of pseudo-salons, vision centers, and banks you've never heard of, customers can soon expect to have the added conveniences of bail bondsmen, tattoo parlors and paternity testing kiosks, just to name a few. 

"We also cash government checks and offer convenient money transfers to Mexico,"  said customer service clerk, DJ Chunky as he refunded money for a rancid melon. According to Mr. Chunky , these latest product advancements are largely attributed to consumer reports the company purchased from survey-taking giant, Whorzpuck International, who pay people to fill out surveys. 

In tough economic times, retailers are clamoring for even marginally good ideas, relying heavily upon companies like Whorzpuck and valuing the opinions of people like Maynard Perkins. "The economicals of good surveyin' is widely misunderstanded," explained Perkins,  "and, 'cause I'm real good at fillin' out surveys, that's how come I get paid for the kinds of things I think about." Perkins, a self-proclaimed UFO expert and permanent resident of Sweaty Meadows RV Camp, earns between $2 and $5 per survey, depending on length and eligibility.   

MFNS met up with Buzz Hopper, Walmart's Director of Quasi-Accurate Information, who noted that while a dentist office wouldn't perform well in a Walmart, there does appear to be a high demand for herpes clinics. Hopper further explained that Whorzpuck reports can vary from city to city. 

"For example, in Los Angeles," said Hopper, "Whorzpuck data suggests that Walmart should offer liposuction, ankle lifts and two-for-one mole removal, while, in places like Miami, that demand shifts toward workshops identifying the differences between bath salt and crack cocaine." 

"Rest assured, we remain committed to helping people save money and live better," said Hopper. "And, if that means avoiding incarceration, disproving paternity or testing for herpes, then that's what we'll help them with."  


  1. I find his article offensive and unfair.

    I am going to re move you from my reading list.

    1. It's Satire.
      But if you are easily offended, you probably should come here anyway.

  2. Offensive and Unfair...Great title for a new blog! Thanks, Larry! I personally was thinkin the bondsman and tattoo parlor would be a moneymaker. And what woman could resist a twofer mole removal kiosk on aisle 31?

    Color me surprised and amused. (askin for a friend, if I did want to bitch and complain, would he/she get a complete refund, Jan?)

  3. Good stuff. Walmart is paradise for a gullible, pea-brained populace. (Much like people who can't tell Satire from, well "real news." If there is such a thing? Keep up the good work!

  4. For those who are demonstrably too stupid to see the difference, a couple of clarifications:

    I am fully capable of telling the difference between real news and satire (It is actually pretty easy to accomplish--since there is no meaningful amount of real news available.)

    Real news is what it is and I would never for a second describe it as "unfair" or "offensive". It is what it is. Its existence may be offensive (for example, the idiots that responded here to my comment). And while it seems so to the pudding headed, "unfair" is a human construct, not a component of reality.

    We do the bulk of our shopping at Walmart (but not everything--the well known bank branch there doesn't happen to be the bank we use, but the optician shop just beat out the one we have dealt with for years--on quality, service, price and choice of products).

    I've been to hundreds (I think--maybe not quite) of Walmart stores (I used to drive a big truck) and I have never seen any of the stuff you extreme leftist bigots love to imagine.

    1. Larry, Larry, Larry - Now you have offended me, once again, by your unfair characterization of me as an extreme leftist idiot bigot. I am no longer so certain of my ability to tell the difference between satire and real events but when I do I am an extreme right wing idiot bigot.