Sunday, January 1, 2023

Diogenes' Infrequently Annual Golden Turd Awards

The Soon Coveted DMF Golden Turd Award

Long time readers will remember from years past the DMF "Golden Turd Awards". We haven't honored anyone with a GT Award for a number of years now because of Climate Change.  But after the past year or two we find this semi-distinguish honor long over due and ripe for the times.

This is by no means a complete list. Worthy nominees fall out of the trees every time the wind blows. The field is very fertile.

So with a little help of a few choice excerpts from the WFB, we present our picks of some of those we really wish would be swept away to a far away galaxy and used for alien medical experiments - 2022's obnoxious leftist/social justice vermin and recipients of the soon again to be the coveted DMF Golden Turd Award.  

The “It Looked Better on Paper” Award:
Mayor Pete Buttgig

While only 14th in the line of succession, depressingly just below HUD Secretary Marcia Fudge, Mayor Pete (He/Him) receives more campaign surrogate requests than Vice President Kamala Harris. (for obvious reasons I think we can all agree) Lil' Pete, known for nothing other than overseeing the filling of potholes and is the hip midwestern millennial with the cute hubby that liberal media types were swooning over, he has now joined the pack in rear ending our democracy.

But some in the media are now reluctant to play Dutch Rudder with Mayor Pete, seeing the hierarchy of victimhood is a complicated thing these days.  Mayor Pete's major accomplishments so far are declaring highways as racist and preaching climate change. But, in his defense, he's a master at breaking down complex issues, like highways for fishes, and his enthusiasm for this remarkable feat of engineering is infectious.

These days Pete sends strongly worded letters and wags his finger at people who know much more than he does. 

The Dan Rather Award for “Excellence” in Media:
Jeffrey Toobin

How could we not mention former CNN Chief Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin, who is very good at being not good at legal analysis. Toobin has over the years acquired a love of publicly stepping on rakes.  Paid “analysts” for the network, all of whom have a very inflated sense of self-worth, are always firing away with some of their best material. In Tobbins latest case, it was during the infamous Zoom discussion segment on CNN.  Let's just say he took things in hand and gave it his all, and leave right there. 

The Helen Thomas Crazyass Anti-Semite Award:
Kanye West or What Ever His Name

Every since the Kardashian Girls took over their famous father's vocation of getting black men off, many a negro has fallen from grace and ruined a career in their hands. The latest is Kanye West, who's cheese has obviously slide off his cracker after getting kicked to the curb by Kim. Not known if that brought on the anti-Semite crap he spews, but now he just comes off as an idiot savant, but all idiot.

The Amy Winehouse Lifetime Achievement Award:
Liz Cheney

9pm - Liz walks in........flicks the light switch........which sends an echoing click through her empty room. The silence is so loud, her heels on the floor send ripples out across the hardwood, bouncing off the far wall and colliding back on themselves. She opens the fridge and pours a large tumbler of wine and sits down kicking her shoes off........then guzzles the whole glass. She gets up and sulks toward the shower, carrying the bottle with her....stopping to kick the wall and mumble something about Lincoln.

Democrat and the sycophant media admiration for her is directly proportional to her disdain for DJT. Otherwise, to them, she's no better than your average hillbilly from Bugtussle.  
The 500 Pound Gorilla in the Room Award:
The Twitter Files
Please, tell me again who the real threat to Democracy is??

 Outstanding Over Achievement in Illegal Alien Human Interest Journalism Award

Alfonzo worked his tail off to get to the United States. He left his native Venezuela in the heat of summer, and through a series of long bus rides and onerous walks, he made it to Texas. But Alfonzo never really set foot in Texas. The second he arrived, the Texans threw him on a bus, and three days later he was in New York City’s Port Authority. He had just $130 in his pocket, nowhere to go, and nothing to do. Surrounded by filth and homelessness, you have to imagine he was wondering whether it was all worth it. But he was in the land of opportunity now, and opportunity immediately presented itself. Alfonzo was approached by a woman who wanted to spend the day with him.

That’s right. Merely five minutes after Alfonzo touched ground, a woman was asking him out on a date—and better yet, she was paying! Now sure, she was a reporter and was only taking Alfonzo out to interview him.  But she was also really nice to him. So when the reporter messaged Alfonzo to see whether he found a place to stay that night, our hero saw an opening. He responded in the most American way possible. With a picture of his penis.

Alfonzo’s X-Rated Hail Mary didn’t work. The reporter, a former Washington Free Beacon intern did write about her day with Alfonzo, ensuring that his ballsy move would live forever.

The Free Beacon exclusively obtained the image, but have opted to redact it for the safety of readers. 

Being an American is about taking risks and shooting your shot, even when the odds are stacked against you. The reporter says Alfonzo’s still trying, sending her pictures on a regular basis. See WFB for further developments. 

The 14:59 Award:
Jan 6th committee

Step right this way to see Chairman 'Primetime Bennie' and his select committee's professionally produced Kabuki Theater company, complete with very very select choice tasty tidbits of only narrative supporting witness testimony, with video and still images projected on the big screen for your Inquisition viewing pleasure, they said.

Nuke you a TV dinner & grab a beer and join Bennie, Liz, Pencil Neck, Zoe, Cryin' Adam, lil' Jamie and the rest of the pips at their nasty best as they go all out with their Hollywood produced dramatic performance worthy of an Emmy.  

But early on the committee had a tough enough time competing for an audience with "The Days of Our Lives" and reruns of 'Jeopardy' before preempting the cackling hens of "THE VIEW' which threw many wine-soaked suburban housewife Biden voters into a tizzy, or absolute orgasm depending on their consumption.

But later, Bless their Hearts, their main audience dwindled down to  mainly liberal 'blue check' pundits, over excitable soft skull MSNBC conspiracy freaks, and late night comedy writers. Their 15 minutes are over now.

We all know this was not about a riot, but about the total destruction of one man. 

The Beta Male of the Year Award:
Keith Olbermann*

We chose to recognize Beta Male Keith for speaking his truth after years of suffering in silence. Olbermann was understandably disgusted after watching his sort of attractive ex-lover, MSNBC anchor Katy Tur, bully her husband into getting a vasectomy and turning it into a feminist publicity stunt. He had to speak out.

He went on to describe how Tur, his live-in girlfriend from 2006 to 2009, exploited his professional success to advance her own career. Female sociopaths often behave this way toward their victims. It is commonly known as "reverse grooming," "ambition grinding," "C-suite slopjousting," or simply "pulling a Kamala."

Olbermann explained how Tur continued to exert coercive control over him long after the relationship ended. He paid her rent for a year after she moved out so she could stay in New York. He paid off her student loans. He introduced her to all the right people. He got her booked on shows. He edited "nearly every one" of her scripts for MSNBC, sometimes rewriting them from scratch. He contributed intellectual research for her book about Donald Trump.

At long last, Olbermann stood up for himself. She asked him to write the entire book for her, and he refused.

And few would argue that Keith's courage in that moment was commensurate to that of the American boys who stormed the beaches on D-Day.  We already knew Katy Tur was a unattractive talentless dimwit. MSNBC wouldn't have hired her otherwise. We applaud his staggering bravery, his willingness to face down his demon.

Keith now lives in obscurity, yelling at people about Trump on the tweeter and scaring his cats.   

The Turdapalooza of the Year Award:
Martha's Vineyard Border Defense Forces*

In the wee hours of  September 14, the residents of Martha's Vineyard—home to former president Barky Obama's $18 million waterfront mansion were confronted with invasion, an illegal immigration crisis of a magnitude never dreamed by the island elite.  Approximately 50 illegal aliens arrived by bus on the island at the behest of Gov. Ron DeSantis, who was simply trying to help bring diversity to the island while helping the illegals pursue the American Dream in one of the country's wealthiest enclaves.

The residents responded with Trumpian aplomb, calling in the National Guard to prevent the illegals from looting celebrity beach houses and defecating in their heated pools. They enlisted media allies to denounce DeSantis as "inhumane."

We're inclined to agree. One of the primary benefits of being rich enough to own property on Martha's Vineyard is never having to interact with a poor person who isn't on staff. Forcing the Obamas and other left-wing oligarchs to coexist with third-world peasants is an affront to humanity.

Within 48 hours, the illegals were evicted from the island and the crisis resolved. Inhabitants congratulated themselves for promptly expelling the intruders and ensuring their island paradise would remain unsullied by riffraff.  Well done, libs. Well done!

(*choice excerpts lifted from WFB)

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