Have you ever noticed Robert De Niro always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally?
Just watched a few reruns of the TV show "House". What a really weird show. Patients would be rushed to the hospital with unexplained fevers and heart problems, and House would come in eating an apple and like "did you check his asshole for toothpicks? And they'd be like"Damn, you're right!"
Do you ever watch a film to the end of the credits, pick a name and think 'hey Clint Youngreen, assistant bear trainer #3, I bet you thought nobody would see you down here. Nice job pal.
Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with, but I'm willing to bet it was a printer.
I think the single most important thing a man can do to be an ally is give his lady friends permission to give persistent dudes at the bar his number so when they call he can angrily say that's not funny because she died 15 years ago that very night.
Nervous of flying? Don't be. As long as 2 million parts in a plane work perfectly while traveling at close to the speed of sound as sharp metal blades rotate at supersonic speeds in temperatures of -65 degrees 7 miles above the earth surface, you'll be just fine. Enjoy the in flight movie...
Microwaves have like 32 buttons but you only need about 4, including the number buttons. Look me in the eye and tell me you use the 7 key.
Someone told me yesterday that they don't eat tacos because they're bad for you, and I'm starting to realize what my parents meant when they said I should be careful who I surround myself with.
British Cooking Shows: tell us about this wee tart you've made, the crust is just lovely.... American Cooking Show: we've replace your knives with phillips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. The clock is set for 30 minutes, please bake us peace in the middle east.
Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their lives has clearly never had 2 snickers bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
Pro Tip: When a woman laughs during an argument, please know that the psycho part of the brain has been activated. Abort Mission.