Toilet Paper for Everybody!

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
August 28, 2010


Well, the much touted “Summer of Recovery” is coming to an end.  And quite a summer it’s been.

I think this goes without saying, but because I can, I'll say it anyway; this government is fat, bloated, bureaucratic, clueless and out of touch, expensive, unresponsive, and packed to the gills with the worst kind of tax evading career politicians that probably couldn’t pass an entry-level Civil Service exam.

 We now have a government  that couldn’t  order toilet paper without 100 hours of Congressional debate (so that even the “I bought me a seat with daddy’s money”  back-benchers can get 30 seconds of face time on TV), a battle royale between the talking heads of each party, complete with a demonization of both sides by their opponents, six or so teleprompter speeches  by “The Chosen One” on how AIG wrecked the toilet paper market, and the New Department of Anal Cleansing Instruments Czar empowered to make up regulations that affect your  person hygiene without  Congressional debate or approval  and  defend you against Big Charmin.


I can see it now; Keith Olbermann having  an on-air aneurysm over the plight of those who can't afford the two-ply and have to make do with the thin single-sheet that very quickly disintegrates and become embarrassing and uncomfortable, and  is outraged it’s not  to be covered under ObamaCare.

And by the time it's all over, the Government will have worked out some new law that promises "free" TP to every filthy tushy in America...by 2021...and requires a tax on "The Rich", a class now defined as anyone who has at least 30-cents and a bottlecap in his pocket (Naturally, Congress will exempt itself from the TP tax). By the time the government actually purchases the TP from the mill in Congressman X's district, which happens to be the company in Which Senator Y Owns Substantial Stock, they will have underestimated the real need by at least half, and paid three times the going rate. And they would have stuff even worse than the One-Ply Wonder, and which probably scratched like sandpaper, and give half the people who used it tumors.

And don't be at all shocked when the government decides it has the right and responsibility to feed your children whatever it deems appropriate. You should know that the obvious reason why kids are fat is beyond the mental capacity of the typical government bureaucrat to comprehend; it is because they sit around all day playing video games and screwing around on Facebook and YouTube. Maybe if our government employees in the Education Dept. would stop meddling in the school systems, and schools would quit teaching them how to engage in sex, and hire a gym teacher, they wouldn't be so round, and we wouldn't need an expensive new tax payer funded "program" to feed kids rotten vegetables at gourmet prices.

So, it should come as no surprise that the people who brought you the Fannie and Freddie debacle, the Mortgage Bailout Program which Failed Spectacularly, who have recklessly spent billions of tax payer dollars ensuring that complete deadbeats can keep a house paid for by someone else's money long after they should have, and which devastated residential neighborhoods with an explosion of foreclosures, should suddenly decide that it knows everything about, and the money to spend, planning the healthy child and their brave new world.

So, when I read that the government can't count, and the people they hired to count for them are a bunch of crooks, I'm not surprised. And when we observe that the President of the United States is basically out of step with two thirds of the country, but still takes a victory lap for something he hasn't done, or worse, for something he's screwed up even more, I'm not surprised.

For me, November can't come soon enough!
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