Saturday, January 18, 2014

Kerry Seals Historic Non-Aggression Pact with Canada

"Peace in Our Time"

Despite the prospect of escalating war in the Middle East, the free world can breathe a little easily today with the signing of the North American Non-Aggression Pact between Canada and the U.S. in Ottawa Last Night.

(MFNS) Ottawa - "Peace in our time" declared U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry as he held a puppy tightly while standing next to a befuddled Canadian Minister of National Defense, Rob Nicholson and a small contingent of reporters outside the Royal Canadian Hall in Ottawa last night. 

"At last the specter of death and destruction that have held the people of our two great nations in the grip of fear and uncertainty has be exorcised" Kerry told the crowd. 

Later, the Canadian Ministry told MFNS  that Kerry's plane radioed he was on a secret mission and requested landing rights at a Royal Canadian Airbase. Kerry rushed to the Ministers side and began babbling  incoherently about an agreement between the two nations. 

"At first I though I was being punked, as you Americans call it, by some ridiculous late night program.  But it soon became apparent The Secretary was serious."

Nicholson told us Kerry "looked scary, haggard and somewhat out of his mind", ranting about conservative bloggers in the U.S. making fun of him, and that he "needed an earth shaking international agreement to show those bastards!"

"Just between us", Nicholson told us, "I suspected Secretary Kerry was still a bit ill from his recent butt fat injections or had been dipping into his wife's ant-psychotic medications, so we just played along with the whole thing for his benefit."

There has been no word from the White House, but when told of the agreement, Vice President Joe Biden said " this just proves John Kerry and former Secretary of State Hillary Swank made us a formidable team of diplomats  that understand the difficult workings of international affairs almost as much as I do, and with this agreement have brought peace to the Canadian Continent ."     


  1. What a guy! That's one worry that will never plague our two countries again.

  2. I think the word is spelled "piece" as in POS.

  3. What was surprising was that Alan Alda declared war on Canada to begin with.

    (think Canadian Bacon)