Sunday, December 22, 2019

Lizzy Warren - Jedi Princess??

Def-Con - She’s trying so hard to be relatable. Wealthy out-of-touch Elizabeth Warren has tried to convince people she’s “regular folk” by drinking beer, dancing like a goober, and using a fake hillbilly accent when she talks to the peasants. Now she’s hoping to grab support from Star Wars fans by acting all Jedi and shit. She doesn’t have a great track record for claiming ancestry, so chances are if she does, she is only 1/1024th Jedi.  

You can hear her story now: Her grandpappy was a Jedi knight who had to elope with her Indian grandmammy because a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, mixed marriages were not tolerated by the Empire. Thankfully the Death Star got blowed up a couple of times and eventually they were able to settle down in Tattooine, the Oklahoma of Star Wars planets, and start a family.

The beauty of Warren claiming Jedi ancestry is that unlike that Indian thing, no one could prove her wrong. There is no DNA test that can check for Midi-chlorians, which are intelligent microscopic life forms that live symbiotically inside the cells of all living things. Another advantage is that at this point there’s only one Jedi left. It’s not like there are tribes of Jedis who can call her out for lying about her ancestry.

If Lizzy wants to find a Star Wars character to believably associate with, she needn’t look farther than Jar Jar Binks. He’s a goofball with bad ideas, who makes jerky unsettling motions and speaks in mostly gibberish. She’s comically awkward, wants to destroy America, shakes her head like a chicken eating corn, and expresses her opinions with gobbledygook. They are one in the same.

[Brian Anderson @Def-Con News]
[Team Lizzy]
~ Thank You Larwyn's Linx@ Doug Ross Journal for the Linkage! ~

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