Saturday, December 21, 2019

Retailers Hit Back at Annoying Shoppers

It's Payback Time Bitches!

By Middle Finger News Consumer Affairs Reporter Toylett Bole

Industry Launches Website 'RateThatCustomer'

MFNS - Following the growth in review sites where consumers can rate the services they use, retailers have welcomed the launch of the new website RateThatCustomer which allows them to rate and review their experiences with individual customers.

"It’s finally payback time," said Scarlet Greene, assistant manager of 'The Reefer Bookshop' in Chicago which has already joined the new site. "A recent customer left us negative feedback because we wouldn’t give him a 60% discount and one of our cashiers ‘has acne’. Now we can go to RateThatCustomer and let everyone know that he’s a tight ass cheap bastard who only needed 60 minutes a month on his phone contract because he hasn’t got any friends to call."

Frogmella Dees - Expert in
Peculation of Retail Merchandise
With a 5-star rating function and the ability to upload a photo of the customer being reviewed, RateThatCustomer already has over 5,000 businesses subscribing to the service. Customers are marked on their ‘browsing-to-buying ratio’, ‘politeness to staff’, ‘suggestibility’, and even their ‘looks and appearance’.

Gus Napolo, Owner of 'Gus' Lingerie Shop' told us he now has an outlet to not only give customer reviews, but also give problem customers a piece of his mine. "This customer always makes a point to tell me how much cheaper products are at other stores  'Here’s an idea. asshole. Go there and shop. You always smell like F**kin' disappointment anyway."

Peachy Keene - Infamous Serial
Merchandise Returner and
General All Around Pain in the Ass
And Candy Mann of 'Michele's Used Candles and Tire Repair' wrote "this regular customer was on their cell phone the entire time I am ringing them out. I’m sure that telling your bff about your super-hot date with the mega rich lawyer is way more important than taking four seconds to acknowledge there is an actual person standing in front of you and  put down the phone. If you don’t, next time I’m going to fart in your bag so there will be a death cloud hitting you in the face when you open it." 
Anyone in retail knows you can’t just lavish high-quality customer service on everyone who comes through the door,’ explained the site’s founder. RateThatCustomer helps retailers to avoid expending effort on the serial complainers and the timewasters who’ll never buy anything. In fact data from the site shows that the customer is always right only 0.3% of the time.

The Always Annoying Dirk Blinker 
and His Poo Flinging Monkey Hillary
Some customers have criticized the new service, however. After stumbling across her review by chance when Googling herself, Doreen McAllister was furious at receiving a 1-star rating from retailer 'Monsiers Dress Shop' for trying on four different sizes of the same underwear without buying any of them, and then ‘loudly announcing that the quality is better in Brickeners ’. 

"The review makes me look like some kind of snob", said Doreen. "They said I asked for assistance with absolutely everything and called me a ‘pestomer’ rather than a customer. But what they said about my appearance was just spiteful. It’s not at all the case that I was too fat for any of the dresses, and I certainly won’t be taking their advice and going to 'Academy Sports' to pick up a tent instead."

Toylett Bole is Middle Finger News Service Consumer Affairs Reporter. Ms. Bole is a expert on retail business, earning her Associate Degree in Retail Lost Prevention while attending the Mississippi State Correction Facility for Women. She Later earned her full Degree in Merchandising while attending the Caddo Correctional Center in Louisiana.

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