Corrections: Jan 8, 2020(NYT) The New York Times would like to issue corrections for the wedding announcement of Mr. Adam Penview to Ms. Katie Jasper that ran in yesterday's Wedding Section.
We incorrectly identified in the announcement that Mr. Adam Penview and Ms. Katie Jasper were married at the Church of the Holy Trinity in Manhattan. They were married at St. Brigid’s. Additionally, we inaccurately wrote that the groom “attended Cornell University and double-majored in English and Humping Other English Majors’ Girlfriends.”
Mr. Penview, in fact, only majored in English. He did not major in “Humping Other English Majors’ Girlfriends,” as that is not currently an existing track of study at Cornell or any other accredited university.
In addition, we erroneously wrote yesterday that Mr. Penview was the “son of Dr. Ryan Penview, a third-generation ophthalmologist, and Mrs. Claire Penview, a Zuckerberg-ass beaver-bitch.” Mrs. Penview practiced law in New York State until 2004, and is considered by many to be a friendly and beautiful member of her community, bearing no resemblance whatsoever to Mark Zuckerberg or his rear end. “Beaver-bitch” is not a profession.
We also incorrectly noted yesterday that the couple met “while the bride was dating the totally devoted and now very successful New York Times Wedding Section Editor Dan Gould.
Dan guesses he just wasn’t good enough for you Katie, because you had to go hump that piece of shit Adam Penview that you met at the English major mixer while Dan left Ithaca for the weekend to go to his Nana’s 90th birthday in Needham, Mass. Dan even brought you back a hat from the birthday party that said ‘Ethel’s Doin’ It For One Night Only.’ FYI, Adam, it counts as incest if you sleep with another English major’s girlfriend, since English majors are BASICALLY BROTHERS. Nana will live forever!!!”
Though factually correct, the New York Times apologizes for the way in which Mr. Penview and Ms. Jasper’s first meeting and relationship history were portrayed. Additionally, the hat actually read “Ethel’s Not 90…She’s 89.95 Plus Tax.” She has since passed.
Yesterday, we printed that “God Katie sorry I’m writing all this I’ve taken a lot of Robitussin you are so beautiful. You look like a young Nancy Kerrigan. Oh God I love you.” In fact, Mr. Gould had only taken a moderate amount of Robitussin.
Yesterday, we wrote “Katie, I’m so sorry, oh God, please come back, I think you can get weddings annulled really easily, it’s like a five-second rule type thing. Also Adam, I’m really sorry, I actually think you’re a pretty good guy, I once had a dream that you saved me from Gwyneth Paltrow's steaming vagina. Granted, I had taken a lot of Robitussin that night, but when I woke up I did feel sincerely indebted to you.” I don’t know where to start. The New York Times is just so sorry for this entire paragraph.
Hey just kidding about all these things that we said we retracted, we’re just the New York Times, what do we know about anything but hard candy and old wrinkly balls!!!!!
We wrote in the paragraph above that says “Hey just kidding about all these things that we said we retracted, we’re just the New York Times what do we know about anything but hard candy and old wrinkly balls!!!!!” In actuality, Dan Gould just broke back into the Corrections Department and stole the computer that I’m writing this on. He has been promptly escorted from the building and arrested. In addition, The New York Times is an extremely current print newspaper that offers breaking unbiased news and fun crossword puzzles. Fuck Dan Gould.
We retract “Fuck Dan Gould.”
We apologize for these mistakes.