NSA Warns of Being Overwhelmed by 'Birthing Person Day' Messages

 General Paul M. Nakasone - Director, National Security Agency / Chief Central Scrutinizer

MFNS - Washington, DC-- The NSA announced Friday in a closed door meeting with the House Homeland Security Committee that the agency once again expects to be overwhelmed by the email, text and telephone traffic on 'Birthing Person Day' this Weekend.

Taking time out of the Homeland Security Committee's Jan 6th Kabuki Theater, N.S.A. director General Paul Nakasone told the committee that tracking of over 110 million text messages and emails will tax our limits of capacity for information gathering on Americans, adding to the agencies normal heavy load of domestic taps".

While General Nakasone added "while the amount of traffic intercepted may fall short of the 130 million 'Birthing Persons Sexual Partner's Day' messages collected by the N.S.A. last June during the pandemic, the NSA still has a backlog of unread messages to be read." 

He added "we also collected in the neighborhood of two to three million such e-mails from angry Birthing Persons last year who failed to hear from their children."

The director stated while the agency had not foiled any terror plots in their info gathering lately, they did uncover between twenty and thirty thousand extramarital relationships.