My Independent Coffee Shop Welcomes All Refugees
That Can Afford a Seven Dollar Latte
A MFNS Op-ed by Blinkie Carsdale
The Mystical Coffee Bar is all about coffee and inclusion. That is why our new policy is that all illegal alien refugees are always welcome in our café so long as they can afford at least a seven dollar small latte (cash only).
Owning a small independent coffee shop is about more than just making money. It's about being a part of a community. A community that we would love to welcome you into, just as soon as you decide what drink you would like. I take my role as a community leader very seriously and I am using my abundant trust fund money wisely. I'm not just some uncaring businessman ripping people off. I am fueling the members of my neighborhood with nutritious, earth saving soy and goat cum ingrediencies as they start their day so they can go out and make a difference in the world.
This would probably be a good time to mention each refugee needs to buy his or her own drink if they wish to stay in the café or use the restrooms.
Now I know that our latté’s aren't cheap, especially on a refugee salary, but that's because we pay our workers a fair wage and only use cruelty-free beans in our coffee. We charge more because we are fighting back against an evil capitalistic system that marginalizes common people to enrich the powerful. Moments like these are why I started my own business.I truly look forward to you coming to the register with your seven dollars (cash only) so I can show you how much The Mystical Coffee Bar supports the downtrodden of our society.
But I do insist that you not beg our customers for money. It makes them feel uncomfortable.