Showing posts with label Great Moments in History. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Great Moments in History. Show all posts

Saturday, November 25, 2023

Post-Dinner Interview with First-Timer at the Grownup's Table

REPORTER: I’m here live with Ted moments after completing his first start at Thanksgiving dinner at the Grown-Ups’ Table. At only 12 years and 109 days, you are officially the youngest family member to get this opportunity. Were you surprised when you got the news? 
TED: Well, I had a feeling it would happen eventually. Now that cousin Becky is gone off to prison I’ve been working hard at family dinners leading up to Thanksgiving, and I’ve just been trying to get better every day so I’d be ready if the opportunity presented itself. Tonight, I avoided childish mistakes like playing hide and seek with the little cousins. Instead, I watched the football games on TV and made a joke at the expense of the Dallas Cowboys’ playoff hopes, which was well received by the living room. Even Grandpa grunted in agreement, which is rare. At that point, I knew there was a strong possibility I’d be getting the call come dinner time.
 REPORTER: It’s no secret that, historically, you’ve been seen as a picky eater, and some of the family was concerned that Aunt Linda’s yams would throw you off your game. I believe Aunt Linda was quoted saying, “Ted’s gotta be able to handle yams if he wants to eat with the big boys. If you want dino nugs, then stay at the kids’ table.” Did that make you nervous?
TED: Well, Aunt Linda is one hell of a cook and I have nothing but respect for her and what she’s been able to accomplish over the years. With regard to the yams, it’s true that when I was just starting out in this family, I thought they were yucky, and I was very vocal about it at the time. However, I’ve grown a lot as an eater since then and I’ve worked to mature my underdeveloped palate to handle anything that Aunt Linda or anyone else throws my way. Tonight, when I got to the table and saw a lineup of yams, I was able to lean on that preparation and get the job done.
REPORTER: Grown-ups hate phones, especially at the dinner table. How’d you prepare to go without your phone during tonight’s meal?
TED: That’s a great question. I knew I couldn’t afford any phone-related slip-ups. That would immediately put me at a disadvantage, and I didn’t want to be digging myself out of a hole for the remainder of the meal. Before dinner started, I placed my phone on silent mode and powered it down. This helped me clear my head before the meal and eliminate the risk of my phone sounding with a notification that my cousin Bradley is going live on Instagram again.
REPORTER: Let’s talk about Bradley for a minute. Many people criticize this family for bringing kids to the Grown-Ups’ Table before they’re ready. Some say this family doesn’t invest the time to develop their young adults, and they aren’t able to adapt to the pace and rigor of adult conversation. Your cousin Bradley was twelve last year when he made the move to the Grown-Ups’ Table. However, he couldn’t handle the unregulated mashed potato portions or the elevated discussion of his peers. He fell asleep at the table and had to be pulled and escorted off to bed. He has yet to make a full recovery. Since then, he’s gotten detention four times at school, his parents have filed for divorce, he started wearing dresses and was not invited to Thanksgiving this year. Were you at all worried you’d have the some issues?
TED: I’ve heard that story, but I don’t fixate on it. Bradley paved the way for future twelve-year-olds to get called up to the Grown-Ups’ Table, so for that I am thankful. Without him, I wouldn’t be here today, but there’s no defending his behavior last year. Bradley and I are different people, and I wasn’t going to make those same mistakes.
REPORTER: We have to talk about what happened during dessert. To the surprise of many, you teased Grandma that she was cut off for the night. Others your age would just be focusing on making it through dinner without embarrassing themselves, but you had the foresight to exploit the family’s drinking habits for a laugh. Where did you find the courage to try something like that?
TED: This was an opportunity to show that I’m not afraid to make a risky play call when appropriate, and luckily it paid off.
REPORTER: I want to commend you on your maturity when dealing with Uncle Jimbo. About four beers deep, he asked, “So, do you have a girlfriend yet?” What was going through your mind at that moment, and were you at all embarrassed by the question?
TED: We all know that in this family, you’ve gotta be able to roll with the punches. Obviously, this is not the kind of behavior you expect from an adult, but Uncle Jimbo is unpredictable, and I had to show him that I don’t back down. I said, “Yes, I have a girlfriend, and I don’t even pay for Tinder Premium like you.” It got the job done and Uncle Jimbo was a non-factor the rest of the meal.
REPORTER: Well, congratulations, Ted, and thank you for your time. Who knows? Maybe next year you’ll be invited out on the porch for the after-dinner cigar.
TED: Thank you. I’ll give myself a couple minutes to try and enjoy this win, but I’ve gotta stay hungry and build on this momentum. I’ve got my work cut out for me with Christmas in a few weeks. That’ll take a lot of preparation, so that’s what I’ll be focused on moving forward.

REPORTER: That's all from here. Back to you Wolf. 

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

New Snapshots From The Biden White House Album

A DMF Exclusive. 


Photos Credits:
United States Secret Service Surveillance & 
Unofficial White House Photographer.





Monday, February 21, 2022

Presidents Day - We Remember the Last Words of #16

Dear citizens, I know that I am not well. Amid this evening at Ford’s Theatre, my body has borne within it an abominable manifestation of political strife, and I feel my senses beginning to take leave. As the light departs my corporeal form, yearning to move on to destinations unknown, I have but one final request.

I beg of you, please commemorate my birthday with mattress sales. Downy, tufted, even memory foam: none shall be exempt from the wholesale slashing of prices. Reserve for this great endeavor a day—nay, an entire weekend, for only a weekend would suffice for the monumental scale of these savings. Throughout our fair land, postboxes spanning as far as the stately eagle soars shall be papered with announcements, each a herald to the approaching cavalry of discount mattresses.

When this grand republic was first conceived, our Founders proffered a unique conception: that every man, no matter his creed, race, or sleep number, would in equal terms be free in the pursuit of happiness. Though we have not often lived up to these ideals in practice, I implore one further leap toward them—with a bedroom blowout bonanza the likes of which no man has ever seen.

It is true that during my tenure war has tested our national resolve, pitting brother against brother in this trying time. But by the hand of providence, even the most quarrelsome of kin shall come together against our common enemy: nighttime sweating. Why merely lay down arms when there also exists occasion to lay down upon moisture-wicking fabric with pressure point relief?

Still, I do not deny the existence of deep, unresolved, and lingering divisions between our fellow citizens. For instance, some have a particular predilection for softness, and others, for firmness. My soul longs for a time when we proclaim the end of such calamity—a time when men of every stripe may finally exercise the fundamental liberties enshrined within our noble founding document, the Sixty-Day Slumber Money-Back Guarantee.

Now my breath begins to slow, and my mind returns to my love, my Mary Todd. Soon I will be reunited with our poor, sickly son Willie in the vast showroom of the heavens. Regrettably, he was not and will not be party to many glorious milestones in American history: the end of war, the ratification of the Thirteenth Amendment, the first rebate on a box spring.

As with many at death’s door, the legacies of my earthly affairs trouble me no longer. If the postwar reconstruction process were to falter? No matter. If the battle flag of the former Confederacy were to be adopted as a race-baiting symbol in an all-consuming culture war? I take no heed. All that concern me are deals, deals, deals!

I cannot help but be overcome by a deep comfort, even in my last moments, as I reflect upon the studied image of an entire nation finally united by a good night’s sleep, at an affordable price.

[He takes a final breath and dies.]

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Great Britain Announces Reclamation of America

 


To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your current failure to financially and politically  manage yourselves and also, your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents and therefore not properly govern yourselves, The Crown hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)


I, Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except New Jersey, which we do not wish to acquire.)

Your new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson (bojo@uk.gov), will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' and 'nigga' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday,  enough of your foolish inebriation. 
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a concealed vegetable peeler.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get over it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup up but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American beer will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball and learn cricket.
13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)
14. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

 

Somewhat Respectfully,
Elizabeth II, Queen of All England and Boss of You
God Save the Queen!

______________________________

Monday, December 6, 2021

Blink Twice if You Need to be Rescued 🤣🤣


White House press secretary Jen Psaki was asked about the tweet during today’s press briefing but said she had no info on if Gins or anyone else in the VP's office had been instructed to publicly express support for Harris.  


Friday, July 23, 2021

Please Don’t Just Scroll Past This...

Scroll past it with gusto. Scroll past it with fire in your heart. For every post of the thousands of posts you scroll past, the good, the bad, the memes, the cats, the politics and the art you can reblog or ignore and scroll on by but not this post. This post you have to scroll by with style.

For all your time on this site you’ve moved your mouse or touched your touchpad looking forward to the next image or scrap of text and you’ve so rarely noticed the motion of your hand, the swish of your finger. Not this time. This time you’ll feel it and you’ll understand the simple beauty of scrolling and though you’ll rarely think of it again, for one moment you’ll have been aware, truly aware of the act of motion. So don’t just scroll past this. SCROLL past it!

Saturday, July 10, 2021

Great Moments in History #783

Keith Richards Teaches a Young
Willie Nelson to Play Guitar

~ Thank You MJA@IOTWReport for the Linkage! ~

Sunday, May 30, 2021

Amazen and the Claustrophobic Broom Closet of Despair

For years, one of the largest companies in the world has been criticized for the way they treat their workers. Yes, they did up the salaries of their warehouse workers to $15 an hour, but are still under constant video and audio surveillance, and there's the stories of the notorious pee bottles, etc., etc.  But Amazon is hoping to change all of that. No, not by paying people more or actually listening to workers about what would make things better for them. But by installing dystopian despair booths, about the size of a phone booth or old timey police box, at their warehouses where employees can go to scream their lungs out do "mindfulness exercises', and likely while being monitored by central scrutiny, as they always are.

And what could possibly be more calming than a small, windowless confined space?  Not to mention the fact that everyone can see you walk into it and will probably be going, "Oh guess who is losing their shit and needs to do some mindfulness exercises," and that would be literally all you could think of while in there, other than the possibility of the door getting stuck and you running out of air and dying of asphyxia. 

The original tweet featuring the 24 sec. video below was met with such horror and mockery on social media that the company deleted it after a day.
 

It's cute that they're "trying," but perhaps they could start instead with not requiring employees to pull 10 and a 1/2 hour shifts, allow them bathroom breaks so they don't have to pee in bottles and giving them breaks longer than 30 minutes when it takes some that long to walk to and from the break room.

And maybe, just maybe pay drivers a better wage so they aren't pissed and in a hurry all time and don't act like Tom Brady dropping a dime to his favorite receiver in the corner of the end zone when delivering my new coffee maker to my porch!!!!

Having 7 of my own employees, I can tell you those things would certainly be of more help to workers than shoving them into a claustrophobic broom closet of doom with sky and clouds painted on the ceiling where they can do "mindfulness exercises" as their supervisors watch the clock like a hawk.........

Monday, March 8, 2021

Bubba & Shrub Return To Prominence in the WH

CNN's "Ms. Congeniality", Kaitlan Collins, reports the White House has confirmed 46* has returned two official Presidential portraits to the Grand Foyer after DJT moved them to a rarely used room, the Old Family Dining Room, a small space off the grand State Dining Room. He had them replaced with more popular Presidents William McKinley and Theodore Roosevelt.

The George W. Bush portrait has replaced that of William McKinley, the nation's 25th president, who was assassinated in 1901, and the Bill Clinton portrait replaced one of Theodore Roosevelt, who succeeded McKinley.

The official Barky Obama portrait, yet to be unveiled, was rumored to be slated by DJT to hang near the official visitor's restrooms.

Willie Jeff C.

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Friday, January 29, 2021

Maxine Would Like a Talk With You Wall Street Boys


Congresswoman Maxine Waters (D-CA), Chairwoman of the House Committee on Financial Services, issued the following statement regarding recent market instability:

Thursday, December 3, 2020

Obama Reminds Us He's Still a Prick


Like I reported to you way back about '16, Barky Obama would remain in DC and remind us he's a Prick.  And no surprise, the 44th president of America is still around and can't stop talking about how he wrote another "book", this time about his years in the "White House," like anyone really cares now.

But at least he's finally going on an apology tour for some of his biggest f*ckups, like that time he forgot to gave Dolly Parton the Presidential Medal of Freedom.  Barky made his stunning declaration of guilt on live TV to Stephen Colbert, probably because he's too embarrassed to say it to anyone intelligent

The segment was called "Questions We're Pretty Sure Barack Obama Has Never Been Asked Before." OBAMA: That's was a mistake.....uh... I think I assumed that she had already got one, and...uh....that was incorrect.....I'll...uh.... call Biden.

You hear that, Joe?  President O is going to call you because you're no longer the court jester and going to HEREBY ORDER you to give the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Dolly Parton.  You know, in case you were thinking about giving it to "Corvette" or "your dog" or "Hunter Biden."

It makes sense, after all, since Dolly pretty much bought us that nice Moderna COVID-19 vaccine what is coming out,(She didn't even know her donation had even funded that and was thrilled to find out.)

As for Barky's other answers/confessions in his Stephen Colbert segment, he picked "car" as the best Monopoly piece (wrong!) it's the shoe.  "Frosty" as better than "Blizzard". Personally, I’m a root-beer-float-served-roadside-at-an-A&W-stand-on-a-hot-summer-day-in-the-south kind of girl, but I won’t judge you if you like those other inferior ice cream beverages.  "Stephen Colbert's wife" as better than "Stephen Colbert," because she doesn't scream as loud as Stephen in bed; and "toast" as what goes in "toaster" (WRONG), as Colbert pointed out, BREAD goes in toaster, toast comes OUT. Idiot. 

NOW APOLOGIZE FOR DOING WIRE TAPPS TO DJT.
FOR PUTTING KIDS IN CAGES.
AND FOR THE TAN SUIT.
AND A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF WE DIDN'T THINK OF YET.

Tuesday, June 16, 2020

Dear Professor - Field Report From CHAZ

Unrolled Tweeter Thread from @MattsIdeaShop:

Autonomous Zone Day 1
Dear Professor Whoake, Well, we did it. I can’t believe we are actually dismantling the system! We got the cops out and set up a few co-ops food stands like you suggested. People are very happy. Everyone has really positive status updates. Talk soon.

A.Z. Day 2
Hey Professor Whoake,  So minor set back. A roaming band of homeless steampunks stole the co-ops supplies. We have a few sketchy pieces of fruit and enough water to last until tomorrow when we can resupply. The stores closed tho so I’m not sure where to go? Ttyl

A.Z. Day 2 [dusk]
they took the fruit and water. I don’t understand the steampunk genre. There’s rumors of a rapper warlord wandering around with an ak47. Your classes never taught us how to deal with that. Starting to think need a group of people to enforce our laws...

Day 3
U know what? F*** you “Professor” Yeah. I slept in a hut made from a torn down street sign & a CVS shopping cart. Pretty sure someone used me as a toilet. I have to pay armed guys to charge my device now. paid $13 just to be sure I could text u this 🖕🏼 I’m changing majors.

Day 4 
no escape. a gypsy bartered me to the s/e sector warlord in exchange for the bagel store's wifi password. my warlord's name is Indigo Peaceblade. I recognize him from the Starbucks on Clark Ave. i think his real name is bryce. my job's to collect feces for farm soil.

day 5
the farm has been lost. A meth head took it over and challenged everyone to mortal combat for the farm. Yes, it’s basically just a small pile of soil on top of some cardboard but it’s our small pile of soil on top of cardboard. At least it was. He had two bamboo spears.

day 6
camp was raided by a quartet of unicyclers. i fled during the fracas. While roaming a neutral zone i was confronted by a man known as Big Juice. He controls a very large supply of batteries. He has deals with many warlords. No one touches Big Juice. i'm under his wing.


~ Thank You MJA@IOTWReport for the Linkage! ~

Monday, June 15, 2020

Unicorns and The Summer of Love. CHAZ/CHOP Creates Conflict Resolution Council


A post appeared on Reddit yesterday that lays out the new Conflict Resolution Council at the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ) in Seattle, where anarchists and antifa types have blocked off an area of city streets because you're a racist and mom had to air out the basement. The mayor thinks it’s the 'Summer of Love', and City Council allowed them to take over the police precinct building, so they must have some purpose. It’s a leaderless movement, of course, but nonetheless a purpose does exist. Allegedly.

In this Summer of Love utopia, apparently conflicts have arisen. Is there a “warlord,” or is he simply a fellow traveler who wants the best for humanity? Luckily, one of the folks living in the street commune took to Reddit to provide us the answers:
"Basically, Fox News has been saying Raz Simone (a resident artist) is our “leader” or “war lord” and he’s designating himself as the police force. This is all nonsense. Raz Simone is a peaceful supporter of the movement and a powerful shepherd, however he’s no more of a leader than you or me. The Zone has no leadership. We have a decentralized local governance structure, and we oppose all hierarchical structures."
Well, that clears that up. Except that conflicts have still continued, which means that a Conflict Resolution Council sprung up. Mind you, this is no hierarchical structure (the leaderless leaders oppose those). Here’s how it will work:
"We will form a unique system called the Conflict Resolution Advisory Council. We hold a community democratic vote to appoint three people to the Council. 
To eliminate prejudice, we elect one Black man, one Black woman, and one white woman. Each person should undergo at least one 45 minute sensitivity and political training session which we can help organize. Whenever there is an internal conflict in the Zone, it will be put to the Council. Both people will have an opportunity to present their side of the story to the Council to review. The Council members will decide on a fair resolution and provide it as advice. 
Initially the Council will be advisory only. In the future the system could evolve to become more mature with binding resolutions, impositions, retribution, enforcement, and imprisonment. 
The appointed people will hear out and settle any internal disputes within the Zone. We’re not suggesting that this Council members become leaders or judges, only referees in case of internal conflicts."
Some of the comments led the Redditor, moeys91, to find their process a bit unfair, so they had some fun and helped them to be more PC by adding some edits to the Council explanation. These are gold.....
Edit 1: After receiving feedback about inclusiveness we shall include in the council one Black man, one Black woman, one trans Black person, one non-binary Black person, and one white woman (5 4 people). 
Edit 2: On more feedback we will add to the Council 1 Asian non-male, 1 Native American non-male, and 1 Latinx non-male, and then 4 additional Black men and women to balance it out. In total there are 3 + 4 + 4 = 11 members. 
Edit 3: We’ve received some feedback about including disabledpersons (mental and physical) and homelesspersons on the Council. 20% or 40% of the Council should be persons with lived experience of disability. At least 10% should be experiencing involuntary homelessness. 
Edit 4: We realize LGBTQIA communities are being under-represented in the Council so far and are working on proposals to rectify this. The final composition of the balanced Council will likely include 10-50% people who identify as LGBTQIA. 
Edit 5: We have agreed to add 3 more seats, two of which are to give a voice to the disadvantaged LGBTQIA community, and one to give children equal representation and fairness. The new seats include one for a LGBTQI-identifying Black disabledperson, one for a LGBTQI-identifying Black homelessperson, and one for a non-white or mixed race child between the ages of 8 and 15.
These edits perfectly illustrate how tied up in knots these people could get when they try to fill out their intersectionality bingo cards..... 


READ MUCH MUCH MORE @PJMedia

Sunday, April 5, 2020

Hideous Horned Insect With Strange Genitals Officially Named After Strange Celebrity


Enigmatic pop star Lady Gaga seems as if she’s horny and has strange sexual proclivities. Now, joining other femmes fatale such as Beyoncé and Kate Winslet, she enjoys the rare and possibly dubious honor of having an insect named after her.

The Kaikai gaga is an absolutely hideous beastie who was named by the has-to-be-gay entomologist Brendan Morris of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, who describes his decision to name a repulsive rare treehopper from Nicaragua after the mysterious and possibly autistic pop performer:
If there is going to be a Lady Gaga bug, it’s going to be a treehopper, because they have these crazy horns and a wacky fashion sense about them. They are unlike anything you’ve seen before. The frontoclypeus, which is like the face, was shaped totally different. The genitalia also looked more like treehoppers from the Caribbean. 
When you pause for a moment that this is a guy who studies equatorial insect genitalia, you don’t know who should be more insulted: Lady Gaga or the bug that was just named after her?  I would have thought naming a reptile species after her would be more appropriate.
But Yeah, I kinda See a Resemblance.....

[Daily Mail]
H/T Konan The Bar Barron