Dec 4, 2010
from Beautiful Letters
From the Desk of the Honorable
Speaker of the House of Representatives:
Dear American People,
Well, you went and did it, didn't you, you bunch of arrogant rednecks! Here I've been busting my cute little can for the last four years to undo all the damage that deranged cowboy Bush and his Republican cronies did to this country, and what do you do but take away my Speaker's gavel. As if you have any right! I worked hard all my life to get where I am, and you took it away just because you were mad at that amateur hour clown Obama!
Well, you're about to find out that two can play at that game. You may have stolen the Speaker's chair from me for now, but I'll get it back in two years. Oh, and get a load of this. I'm STILL speaker RIGHT NOW. So who's going to pay? You are, that's who, you ungrateful, inbred bunch of Palin worshiping troglodytes! You think you can rob me of what's mine and not pay a price? Have I got news for you, America. Right now you've stolen what's mine by right. You took my gavel.
Well you know what they say about payback, and here she comes on high heels and carrying an ice pick. You think it's funny that you took my job? Well I've got your middle-of-a-recession tax hike right here, you yokels. You think unemployment is bad now? By this time next year you'll be wishing it was just fifteen percent. I've got a lame duck session to work with, and I'm going to use it to put the screws to you like you didn't even know was possible. Your taxes are going up and your jobs are going away, and you've got nobody but yourselves to blame for it. You took my job and now I'm taking yours.
You people thought you were so clever and funny on election night, didn't you? Well who's laughing now? I can't wait to see the looks on your faces when you see those new withholding amounts on your pay stubs. I can't wait to see you crying in the street when all your precious small businesses shut down. Mom and Pop stores? They're popped. And it's your fault for taking what was mine.
So look at this America. I don't get mad, I get even. And right now this "lame duck" session is going to cripple this whole country on its way out. So laugh it up, you hick racists. Because she who laughs last laughs best. And while you're all in the unemployment line, I'll still be sitting pretty here in Congress, just waiting for 2012 to take back what's rightfully mine. And by then you'll be all too happy to give it to me, won't you? See you then, losers.
Once and future Speaker of the House San Fran Nan