Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Romney Offers Gingrich Deal

Middle Finger News Exclusive:
Drop out Now, I'll make you President of the Moon

In an apparent effort to mend the rift within their own party, a Romney spokesman told us that after the Super Tuesday primary results are in, they plan to offer that if he drops out of the presidential primary race, a Romney Presidency would gladly support Newt Gingrich as the first "President of the Moon" should the candidate's plan for a moon colony come to pass.

"Gov. Romney would be happy to take up the Speaker's idea of establishing a moon colony as a U.S. state, or whatever it was he proposed, as long as he drops out of the race now, and then, once it's established we can send Newt up to be president of that, hopefully sooner rather than later."
"There's nothing I'd like better than to see Speaker Gingrich on the moon," said Romney at a campaign stop Monday, drawing prompt agreement from the likes of Sen. Tom Coburn, former Sen. Bob Dole, CNN's John King, Gingrich's first wife and Gingrich's second wife.

TV talk show host Nancy Grace said today she also approved of the idea of a moon colony, so long as it contained no "sickos, perverts, psychos, criminals, kooks, killers or members of the Casey Anthony jury." As to whether she thought Speaker Gingrich fit into any of those categories, Grace thought for a moment and responded, "Well, I know he wasn't on the jury."

More and more, the GOP establishment has been rallying around Romney out of fear that Gingrich may gain some momentum and end up winning the nomination and prove unelectable against Barack Obama come November.

Gingrich, for his part, noted again at a campaign event yesterday that if the Obama administration had spent as much money on the space program as it had on food stamps and green fees, "We'd already be floating around a manned U.S. moon colony."

Gingrich said Obama was misguided in squandering this opportunity, and reiterated a point he'd made in his book To Renew America that moon colonization will be especially popular for couples, given the positive effects of weightlessness on sexual intercourse. "Personally I can't wait," he said.

When told of the comment, President Obama responded by throwing up a little bit in his mouth.