The Harvard Crimson Head coach told us: "When we look at this young woman, who obviously takes after her mother rather then her father, we see in the coming year or two a 6ft. something, 190lb+ linebacker in the making. Just look a her mother, she's built like a Chicago Bears lineman! We don't get guys built like her at Harvard. So we're really hoping after Ms. Obama starts bulking up to her mother's size she will consider trying out for the team as a walk-on. Combine her fathers athletic prowess and deceiving moves with her mother's build, we're talkin' some real potential right there babe!"
"As we see it, with that kinda size and looks, and if she has even a fraction of her mother's angry black women in her, she'll scare the hell out of those Yale and Princeton white boys! And for Gawd sakes man, this is Harvard football, we need all the help can get!"
When we asked if he had any qualms of putting a female on a varsity football team he said: "You're kidding right? We're talking Ivy League football here! Our only concern as of now is maybe special equipment, like boobstical protection, and maybe a custom helmet. We're not sure if she has her father's ears or not."